Atheist in the Woods - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Infinite_Loser · 08-15-2007, 06:00 AM

An atheist was walking through the woods.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes
behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards
him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder
& saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the
atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"

Time Stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

"You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't
exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to
help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of
me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps You
could make the BEAR a Christian"?

"Very well!" said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear
dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head &
spoke: "Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty
through Christ our Lord, Amen."

DaveOrion · 08-15-2007, 09:53 AM

Good One

What do you get when you cross an Atheist with a Jehovah's Witness???

Some one who knocks on your door for no apparent reason.

pig · 08-15-2007, 10:35 AM

ha! that's actually pretty funny il...

BBtB · 08-15-2007, 12:57 PM

ahah, good one. The bear joke was cute too.

Willravel · 08-15-2007, 12:59 PM

You know gay jokes were the genesis of the gay rights movement gaining popularity in mainstream media. Keep the atheist jokes coming!

If we can't laugh at ourselves, who can we laugh at?

DaveOrion · 08-15-2007, 01:23 PM

There are jokes about every race, creed, and religion. Nothing new about that. I posted these before, but they're still funny.

How many charismatics does it take to change a light bulb? One, since his/her hands are in the air anyway.

How many Calvinists does it take to change a lightbulb? None. God has predestined when the lights will be on.

How many Brethren does it take to change a light bulb? CHANGE?!!!

How many Pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb? 10, one to change it and 9 others to pray against the spirit of darkness.

How many tv evangelists does it take to change a lightbulb? One. But for the message of hope to continue to go forth, send in your donation today.

How many Roman Catholics does it take to change a lightbulb? None: Candles only.

How many Amish does it take to change a lightbulb? What's a light bulb?

How many Polygamous Mormons does it take to change a lightbulb? Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

How many Jehovah's Witnesses does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to knock on your door and ask you if you've seen the light!

How many Unitarians does it take to change a lightbulb? We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

What do you get when you cross an atheist with a Jehovahs Witness?.... Someone who knocks at your door for no apparent reason.

A poster read: "God is dead" - Nietzche. The graffiti underneath read: "Nietzche is dead" - God.

What did the Zen Buddhist Monk say to the Hotdog Vender?...Make me One with everything.

The story is told of the Atheist who accosted a preacher. "Do you believe in eternal life?" The preacher has no time to reply. "Well its a load of rubbish!" shouted the Atheist. "I believe in science, evolution, survival of the fittest, and when we die, that's it! No eternal life, no great judgement, and no God!" The Atheist continues his assault against the preacher repetitiously and tirelessly. "Eternal life! Eternal life! Ha! "Its all pie in the sky when you die." When I die that's it, the end, no eternal life, no nothing. He continues, until he reaches his climax, "I will be buried six feet under when I die and that's it! Nothing! Caput! When I die I am utterly convinced that that will be the end of me!" "Well thank God for that" replies the preacher!

08-15-2007, 06:00 AM	#1 (permalink)
Infinite_Loser Junkie Location: Lake Mary, FL	Atheist in the Woods An atheist was walking through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the atheist cried out, "Oh my God!" Time Stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?" The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps You could make the BEAR a Christian"? "Very well!" said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke: "Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen." __________________ I believe in equality; Everyone is equally inferior to me.

08-15-2007, 09:53 AM	#2 (permalink)
DaveOrion Playing With Fire Location: Disaster Area	Good One What do you get when you cross an Atheist with a Jehovah's Witness??? Some one who knocks on your door for no apparent reason. __________________ *Syriana*...have you ever tried liquid MDMA?....Liquid MDMA? No....Arash, when you wanna do this?.....After prayer...

08-15-2007, 10:35 AM	#3 (permalink)
pig pigglet pigglet Location: Locash	ha! that's actually pretty funny il... __________________ You don't love me, you just love my piggy style

08-15-2007, 12:57 PM	#4 (permalink)
BBtB ClerkMan! Location: Tulsa, Ok.	ahah, good one. The bear joke was cute too. __________________ Meridae'n once played "death" at a game of chess that lasted for over two years. He finally beat death in a best 34 out of 67 match. At that time he could ask for any one thing and he could wish for the hope of all mankind... he looked death right in the eye and said ... "I would like about three fiddy"

08-15-2007, 01:23 PM	#6 (permalink)
DaveOrion Playing With Fire Location: Disaster Area	There are jokes about every race, creed, and religion. Nothing new about that. I posted these before, but they're still funny. How many charismatics does it take to change a light bulb? One, since his/her hands are in the air anyway. How many Calvinists does it take to change a lightbulb? None. God has predestined when the lights will be on. How many Brethren does it take to change a light bulb? CHANGE?!!! How many Pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb? 10, one to change it and 9 others to pray against the spirit of darkness. How many tv evangelists does it take to change a lightbulb? One. But for the message of hope to continue to go forth, send in your donation today. How many Roman Catholics does it take to change a lightbulb? None: Candles only. How many Amish does it take to change a lightbulb? What's a light bulb? How many Polygamous Mormons does it take to change a lightbulb? Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it. How many Jehovah's Witnesses does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to knock on your door and ask you if you've seen the light! How many Unitarians does it take to change a lightbulb? We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence. What do you get when you cross an atheist with a Jehovahs Witness?.... Someone who knocks at your door for no apparent reason. A poster read: "God is dead" - Nietzche. The graffiti underneath read: "Nietzche is dead" - God. What did the Zen Buddhist Monk say to the Hotdog Vender?...Make me One with everything. The story is told of the Atheist who accosted a preacher. "Do you believe in eternal life?" The preacher has no time to reply. "Well its a load of rubbish!" shouted the Atheist. "I believe in science, evolution, survival of the fittest, and when we die, that's it! No eternal life, no great judgement, and no God!" The Atheist continues his assault against the preacher repetitiously and tirelessly. "Eternal life! Eternal life! Ha! "Its all pie in the sky when you die." When I die that's it, the end, no eternal life, no nothing. He continues, until he reaches his climax, "I will be buried six feet under when I die and that's it! Nothing! Caput! When I die I am utterly convinced that that will be the end of me!" "Well thank God for that" replies the preacher! __________________ *Syriana*...have you ever tried liquid MDMA?....Liquid MDMA? No....Arash, when you wanna do this?.....After prayer...

08-15-2007, 12:59 PM	#5 (permalink)
Willravel ... a sort of licensed troubleshooter.	You know gay jokes were the genesis of the gay rights movement gaining popularity in mainstream media. Keep the atheist jokes coming! If we can't laugh at ourselves, who can we laugh at?