Dear Lara Croft - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Plan9 · 06-09-2007, 07:52 PM

I posted this in "nonsense", only to realize that it probably should go here instead. I was bored earlier today and saw some ad for Tomb Raider... got to thinking:

Dear Lara Croft,

I'm writing to you out of genuine concern for your personal safety. I, too, have been in many dangerous situations involving automatic weapons, cave diving in less clothes than a stripper, and slaying carnivorous dinosaurs. I'm just worried: You look like a pole dancer with pistols. Not only is it hard to take your discoveries in the ancient world seriously, I just can't get my eyes out of the grand canyon between your nipples. Call it my male limitation, but we both know that I'm not the first victim. I think you should redefine your imagine to something more practical and tactical, and less like that "Bang Bus" website.

With those short-shorts, girl... you're so asking to get a wicked case of poison ivy right on your muffin. This is not a condition want to attempt to treat while you're blasting bats and velociraptors with a pair of pocket Uzis. Don't let me catch you scratching at it with those extended 9mm magazines, either. Your combat "fuck me" boots are commendable; good ankle support and traction, but you should really try some BDU pants. And some quality knee pads for those rocks. Your double thigh holster setup appears to be well made and fits the vast gauntlet of your single-handed weapons, but I might suggest a heavy duty dual shoulder holster rig instead? This will keep the guns closer to your substantial center of gravity... my next topic.

A breast reduction. I know, I know, you get it all the time from all your younger male fans. Your chin rests are commendable, but not conducive to your current occupation of nerdy-archaeologist-gone-badass-ninja and the related lifestyle. Plus, just imagine all the extra ammunition you could carry for your ludicrous weapons assortment in a military-style ammunition rig if you didn't have those watermelon sized, gravity-defying man-getters mounted to your torso. I am also disinclined to think that any manufacturer makes body armor plates shaped like mixing bowls to accommodate your unearthly feminine figure. Oh, I don't even have to tell you how much your back hurts after doing repeated flips with the basketball milkwagons.

Take care of yourself. You've got more sequels than "Debbie Does Dallas" for a reason. You go, girl!

Willravel · 06-09-2007, 09:17 PM

Hahahahaha.....not bad at all. She could learn a thing or two.

Sion · 06-12-2007, 04:44 PM

I was with him until this part: "A breast reduction"

then it all turned to nonsense

Plan9 · 06-12-2007, 06:14 PM

(gets crushed by giant adventure-boobs)

06-09-2007, 07:52 PM	#1 (permalink)
Plan9 I Confess a Shiver	Dear Lara Croft I posted this in "nonsense", only to realize that it probably should go here instead. I was bored earlier today and saw some ad for Tomb Raider... got to thinking: Dear Lara Croft, I'm writing to you out of genuine concern for your personal safety. I, too, have been in many dangerous situations involving automatic weapons, cave diving in less clothes than a stripper, and slaying carnivorous dinosaurs. I'm just worried: You look like a pole dancer with pistols. Not only is it hard to take your discoveries in the ancient world seriously, I just can't get my eyes out of the grand canyon between your nipples. Call it my male limitation, but we both know that I'm not the first victim. I think you should redefine your imagine to something more practical and tactical, and less like that "Bang Bus" website. With those short-shorts, girl... you're so asking to get a wicked case of poison ivy right on your muffin. This is not a condition want to attempt to treat while you're blasting bats and velociraptors with a pair of pocket Uzis. Don't let me catch you scratching at it with those extended 9mm magazines, either. Your combat "fuck me" boots are commendable; good ankle support and traction, but you should really try some BDU pants. And some quality knee pads for those rocks. Your double thigh holster setup appears to be well made and fits the vast gauntlet of your single-handed weapons, but I might suggest a heavy duty dual shoulder holster rig instead? This will keep the guns closer to your substantial center of gravity... my next topic. A breast reduction. I know, I know, you get it all the time from all your younger male fans. Your chin rests are commendable, but not conducive to your current occupation of nerdy-archaeologist-gone-badass-ninja and the related lifestyle. Plus, just imagine all the extra ammunition you could carry for your ludicrous weapons assortment in a military-style ammunition rig if you didn't have those watermelon sized, gravity-defying man-getters mounted to your torso. I am also disinclined to think that any manufacturer makes body armor plates shaped like mixing bowls to accommodate your unearthly feminine figure. Oh, I don't even have to tell you how much your back hurts after doing repeated flips with the basketball milkwagons. Take care of yourself. You've got more sequels than "Debbie Does Dallas" for a reason. You go, girl! __________________ *Whatever you can carry.* "You should not drink... and bake."

06-12-2007, 04:44 PM	#3 (permalink)
Sion Dumb all over...a little ugly on the side Location: In the room where the giant fire puffer works, and the torture never stops.	I was with him until this part: "A breast reduction" then it all turned to nonsense __________________ He's the best, of course, of all the worst. Some wrong been done, he done it first. -fz I jus' want ta thank you...falettinme...be mice elf...agin...

06-12-2007, 06:14 PM	#4 (permalink)
Plan9 I Confess a Shiver	(gets crushed by giant adventure-boobs) __________________ *Whatever you can carry.* "You should not drink... and bake."

06-09-2007, 09:17 PM	#2 (permalink)
Willravel ... a sort of licensed troubleshooter.	Hahahahaha.....not bad at all. She could learn a thing or two.