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Bakers Lament

I am sorry to be the one to break this news to you.

I could not call every one of you in person. I am truly saddened and the world has definitely lost a most influential and dearly loved member of our society. It is with a very heavy heart that I must pass on the following news.

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community, the Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday. He failed to rise from a yeast infection and complications from blunt finger trauma to the belly. He was 71 years old.

Mr. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions.

Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, Sara Lee, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.

The gravesite was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Pillsbury as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Mr. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.

Pillsbury Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.