maleficent

"Competitive Salary" - We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"Join Our Fast Paced Company" - We have no time to train you.

"Casual Work Atmosphere" - We don't pay enough to expect that you will dress up.

"Must be Deadline Oriented" - You will be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"Some Overtime Required" - Some time each night, some time each weekend.

"Duties will Vary" - Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"Must have an Eye for Detail" - We have no quality control.

"Seeking Candidates with a Wide Variety of Experience" - You will need to replace three people who just left.

"Problem Solving Skills a Must" - You are walking into a company in perpetual chaos. Haven't heard a word from anyone out there. Your first task is to find out what is going on.

"Requires Team Leadership Skills" - You will have the responsibilities of a manager without the pay or respect.

"Good Communication Skills" - Management communicates poorly, so you have to figure out what they want and do it.

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cj2112

omg, are you applying for a position where I work?

maleficent

actually, it's perfect definitions for my current company which is flushing itself down the toilet (I'm doing all I can to find humor...

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TwoToTango

I always thought "Good communications skills" meant: every time we screw you, we'll thank you to keep your mouth closed about it.

Lwang9276

ahahah this is good stuff!

Poppinjay

There's the always popular:

"Fluency With Brand X Software Essential" - We bought the crappiest, cheapest program available because management believed everything the supplier said. We want you to figure out how to make it work like the best program available.

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I think the Apocalypse is happening all around us. We go on eating desserts and watching TV. I know I do. I wish we were more capable of sustained passion and sustained resistance. We should be screaming and what we do is gossip. -Lydia Millet