#46652 +(188)- [X]

<C4> I overclocked my mousepad.
<tminos> thats nothing, I have my waterbed OC'ed, now I only have to sleep for two hours a night

#46867 +(225)- [X]

<Freaky> y'know what i don't get...
<ButtMcFloyd> laid?

#71139 +(256)- [X]

<edeity> DDoS attack on a nightclub bar, get all your friends to keep asking for water.

<Barracuda_Sanchez> i have a pubic hair on my moniter
<Barracuda_Sanchez> i thought it was a comma

<mikeD> ya i got into a fight im so pissed....
<abrutii> well... did you win?
<mikeD> no but i got a good hit in
<abrutii> ya? thats good, where did you hit him?
<mikeD> i hit his hand with my eye
<abrutii> lmfao

#177886 +(1478)- [X]

<@Gandalf> Recent scientific study found that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
<@Gandalf> For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
<@Gandalf> And if she is menstruating, she is likely to prefer a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors shoved deep into his temple and a cricket stump jammed up his arse

#488268 +(1208)- [X]

<khamosis> oh man... i had typed "hey! anyone awake?" in another channel about 20 minutes ago
<khamosis> and just now i saw it and typed "yes!" not realizing it was me

#98 +(4411)- [X]

<ikkenai> i don't have hard drives. i just keep 30 chinese teenagers in my basement and force them to memorize numbers

#2222 +(403)- [X]

<Turing_> this is going to sound very gay, but we were watching the discovery channel today at work where there were these sort of african olympics in a tribe when a male reaches mating age
<Turing_> anyways...the guy had to be nude and do this relay on a balance beem to appease some god
<kunio> HAW
<Turing_> it was strange because even flacid he had a penis the size of the empire state building
<orestes--> gah
<dab[afk]> ugh
<Turing_> it was mesmorizing, my secretary kept in rythym to its bobbing
<Turing_> lol
<Turing_> I felt terribly inadequate
<Turing_> I hate the discovery channel

#49769 +(149)- [X]

<@Beesta> damn
<@Beesta> I really need a sewing machine.
<@Pandaemon> Beesta, of course, is very secure in his masculinity

#62400 +(161)- [X]

(+Cougem) msns telling me to make sure im on the internet
(+Cougem) how do i check

#76964 +(172)- [X]

<DJ_Phatiguez> there is a way you can actually do a jedi mind trick?
<cow> of course there is
<@tolikin-skywalk> DJ_Phatiguez: rohypnol
<Githzerai> Why does he wave his hand then?
<cow> misdirection
<DJ_Phatiguez> ahahah i got ejected from a pub for trying to do a jedi mind trick when they ID'd me
<DJ_Phatiguez> 'you dont need to see any identification.'

<BloodFromStone> "You wouldn't think incest was wrong if you had cousins as hot as mine."

#105504 +(79)- [X]

<`Iago> how much is a million yen in canadian?
<teklord^> like one dollar
<`Iago> yeah... cause i figured that the japanese version of who wants to be a millioniare must really suck

#255630 +(814)- [X]

<bullava> I was watching Conan one night and there was a scottish guy on and he was saying that the original kilts where used as a sleeping bag as well as clothing .... and that since the kilt was so heavy scottish warriors would take it off and run into battle butt naked
<BraveFencer> Makes sense. Exit the world the samre way you entered. Naked and screaming.
<bullava> and plus whats more scarier seeing a man painted blue and butt naked running at you
<BraveFencer> The above, only with an erection and a bottle of lube in one hand.

#447663 +(459)- [X]

<WarrioR> The Weakest Link) is fascinating program. They ask a bunch of people questions and they keep getting rid of the dumbest person, so just the smartest person is left. It is kind of the opposite way we elect a president.

#454094 +(347)- [X]

<LoY|Steam> fucks sake
<LoY|Steam> i tell you what is embarassing
<LoY|Steam> when you go on a date with a lass
<LoY|Steam> who is rather plump
<LoY|Steam> and you try to pick her up as a bit of fun
<LoY|Steam> but physically
<LoY|Steam> you cant fucking lift her
<LoY|Steam> worse fucking date ever, got no sex and put my fucking back out

#586894 +(1502)- [X]

<DB> Oh god - what the fuck do they put in absinthe? i only had a couple and I feel like I've been raped by a camel..
<Rust_Bunny> It's meant to be taken orally ..

#6229 +(365)- [X]

<aXo> What an amazing weekend I had! I ate thirteen TV dinners, jacked off sixteen times and consumed one alcoholic beverage all without moving from this chair. I'm about to watch Godfather Part 3, then eat a bag of Doritos and pass out in a pool of my own saliva.

#12080 +(307)- [X]

<@charlie_x> i have a command line program on my pc called dont.com
<@charlie_x> if you type dont format c:\
<@charlie_x> it says
<@charlie_x> "ok i wont"

#46794 +(154)- [X]

Dr SpaZZo: Simpsons isnt that good anymore
TwilightKnight00: its still good!
Dr SpaZZo: Its just a little sucky, its still good, its still good

#53984 +(161)- [X]

<[Smoke]> "Every gay club in the world owns one and only one CD, a disc entitled "TRANCE-A-HOLIC TECHNO BEAT CLUB HAPPYCORE TRANCE NATION DRUMSTEP BIG BEAT DISCO REMIX FEVER." This CD has three tracks, all of which have the same four-on-the-floor rhythm that loops for roughly 100 minutes and is accompanied by a woman moaning, "ooohhhh ahhhh oowwweeeeee!" at random intervals while a $199 Roland "DJ In a Box" synth plays up to three different minor chords"
<NrgSpoon> ph33r the Real Folk Blues chiptune
<[Smoke]> "Homosexuals love this CD; it's like turning on a porch light and watching the waves of June Bugs and moths fly in and and start making out with each other."
<NrgSpoon> damn. i think my comment got sandwiched into gay sex
<NrgSpoon> it was so young, too.

#58846 +(361)- [X]

<TheThree> your special?
<Mj> you're
<TheThree> sorry my grammer sucks
<Mj> grammar
<TheThree> as dose my spelling
<Mj> does
<TheThree> i give up

#60103 +(168)- [X]

<xNichG> 'when nuclear weapons... attack.'
<xNichG> next on fox
<Darwin> seriously?
<xNichG> no

#409151 +(588)- [X]

<rolo> alright, someone pls explain to me what the fuck "it" is in the phrase "keep it real"
<draco> yeah, and how/why does it become fake?
<thrgy> and why the fuck is everyone its keeper?!?!?!
* traxor has quit IRC (Quit: it has failed to be kept real in here)

#433012 +(367)- [X]

Myung LeshBurton: in drivers ed yesterday, the teacher said something about how he used to always look up to superman
Myung LeshBurton: and how he wished everybody was indestructable like he was
Myung LeshBurton: so i just had to yell out "But it didnt take kryptonite to kill Superman, just a horse!"
Myung LeshBurton: the entire class fell silent, 3 people holding back laughter and everybody else horrified at what i said
RACaira326: hahahahahahahahahaha
RACaira326: you are a TERRIBLE person
RACaira326: you should be proud
Myung LeshBurton: wait, i made it worse
RACaira326: I cant believe you can make that worse
Myung LeshBurton: i said "Unless somebody hid kryptonite in the horses ass"

#446931 +(1878)- [X]

<tHiSiSbOb> I just lost a friend... He got into a car accident... Young people can die too. I just played starcraft with him the other day....
<black_mage_s> Well, there is always the single player campaign.

#453250 +(726)- [X]

Explosions: why didnt' you come?
FlakGuitar: food poisoning
Explosions: what did you have
FlakGuitar: alcohol

#362 +(317)- [X]

<inof> God used fork() to create Eve.

#910 +(848)- [X]

<Kury^> the other day i found out that my Uni's fire evacuation policy for ppl with wheelchairs is to 'push them into a room, close the door, escape and then give the room number to the firemen'

#15482 +(23)- [X]

<ZioB> I hate clipping my nails, its hard to pick my nos

#16527 +(549)- [X]

<CraNKGod> YOU KNOW WHAT'LL BE NEAT ABOUT LIVING ON MY OWN
<Funk> Being able to run up and down the hallway naked but for a sock on your erect penis?
<CraNKGod> BEING ABLE TO DRINK STRAIGHT OUT OF THE MILK JUG
<Funk> Oh.
<Funk> Man, you need a better imagination.

#32816 +(403)- [X]

<mogismog> I hate people who come onto IRC and whine

#34035 +(142)- [X]

<CYwolf> damnit.
<CYwolf> I forgot to ask malis how big the fed-ex guy's package was.

#36744 +(52)- [X]

<Enfilade> Being gay would be kind of cool. Maybe then I wouldn't feel so guilty when looking at shemale porn

#49052 +(288)- [X]

<Potatocake> The goatse guy would be good at shoplifting

#185361 +(5404)- [X]

<Fenris> My mom found me perusing bash.org and looking up quotes about incest, and was like OMG!
<Fenris> Now she actually goes there regularly to make sure there aren't any new text words that have been searched for
<Fenris> I saw her looking at the site yesterday, and was like, "WTF??"
<Fenris> And she said she was just checking to see what kind of stuff I look at online.
<Fenris> I swear, someday I'm just going to rape that bitch.
<ctone> ...
<ctone> now theres a quote for bash.org
<Fenris> Don't you fucking dare.

#349567 +(8062)- [X]

Rabidplaybunny87: Okay, so my neighbors officially hate me
GarbageStan23: why?
Rabidplaybunny87: Well, me, david and andrew were having a bonfire in the backyard, and we were making s'mores and all... and suddenly we here sirens, and see a firetruck turn into the street in front of us.
Rabidplaybunny87: So we all went running to see what was up, and our neigbor's house was on fire!
GarbageStan23: oh shit!
Rabidplaybunny87: Yeah, and when we got there, the wife was crying into her husbands arms, and we were just kinda standing there, and then she saw us, and then like for 10 seconds, gave us the dirtiest look ever
Rabidplaybunny87: Turns out, we were still holding our sticks with marshmallows on it, watching the fire....
Rabidplaybunny87: talk about bad timing...

#616894 +(1099)- [X]

<inspin> so just as I cutting into my pizza, the bell rang
<inspin> It was the little girl from nextdoor, asking where my sister was
<inspin> so I hold up the knife covered in tomatosauce and say in an evil voice "she's not here right now"
<3ll3> LOL
<inspin> so she screams and runs away
<inspin> I felt guitly so I start chasing her saying "I'm sorry"
<inspin> Then her father sees me chasing after his little girl with, what he must have thougt, a bloody knife
<3ll3> I hope he called the cops on you :p
<inspin> well no, but I don't think I'm getting my knife back anytime soon :(

#948 +(753)- [X]

(jesdynf) I want an emulator that, every time you try to load a game, there's a 6% chance it pops up a dialog that says "It's not loading! Tap the A button to blow the dust out."