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View Poll Results: Surefire ways to get a job
Stay drunk until the offers come rolling in 7 25.00%
Call and curse endlessly at places that reject me 6 21.43%
Watch Lord of the Rings endlessly while sending resumes 5 17.86%
Scratch balls for luck..... at the interview 8 28.57%
Ask interviewer to also scratch 7 25.00%
Speak with an Irish brogue. People love a good brogue 9 32.14%
Multiple Choice Poll. Voters: 28. You may not vote on this poll

 
 
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Old 11-08-2005, 08:08 AM   #1 (permalink)
You had me at hello
 
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Location: DC/Coastal VA
Surefire ways to get a job

Now that I'm an unemployed bum, tell me the best tricks for finding a job (not!).
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Old 11-08-2005, 08:18 AM   #2 (permalink)
Devoted
 
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If there's a photo of the interviewer's family on the desk, be sure to mention how hot they are, and how you'd "hit it". Especially the little dog. This shows "out of the box" thinking, which bosses love.
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Old 11-08-2005, 09:13 AM   #3 (permalink)
Rawr!
 
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Are you asking the interviewer to scratch your balls or his? The fate of the entire planet depends on your answer.
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Old 11-08-2005, 09:14 AM   #4 (permalink)
You had me at hello
 
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Location: DC/Coastal VA
Mine. I thought that was obvious!

As for the Lord of the Rings answer, I actually did that yesterday. First on Encore East, then on Encore West.
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I think the Apocalypse is happening all around us. We go on eating desserts and watching TV. I know I do. I wish we were more capable of sustained passion and sustained resistance. We should be screaming and what we do is gossip. -Lydia Millet
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Old 11-08-2005, 09:15 AM   #5 (permalink)
Comedian
 
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Remember to wax poetic about your appreciation of the finer things in life;

And ask if Medicinal Marijuana is covered under the companies drug plan...
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Old 11-08-2005, 09:25 AM   #6 (permalink)
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oooh a brogue is sexy... combine that with drunkenness and you're in like flynn.... do ya have red hair? BOR thinks redheads are really hot!!
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Old 11-08-2005, 09:30 AM   #7 (permalink)
Pickles
 
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Always sport your finest erection to your interview. It will demonstrate that you are a confident individual, and a "hard" worker.
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Old 11-08-2005, 09:57 AM   #8 (permalink)
will always be an Alyson Hanniganite
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by maleficent
BOR thinks redheads are really hot!!
Wrong! I don't...think. I know.
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Old 11-08-2005, 10:01 AM   #9 (permalink)
Adequate
 
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Location: In my angry-dome.
Scour fuckedcompany.com for dirt on the company. Ask them to confirm or deny everything.

Ask if they have a fast net, and if it's okay to bring friends in after-hours.

In group interviews, nod or wink to any minorities while espousing your views on equal opportunity employment.

Should your leisure interests come up, use it as a chance to mention fishing, which is also something enjoyed by your uncle the Labor Attorney.
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Old 11-08-2005, 10:13 AM   #10 (permalink)
Fly
see the links to my music?
 
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Location: Beautiful British Columbia
dude.........i figure if you start out w/ the wobbly pops,then slowly progress through this amazing list you have,you're bound to have at least something come up.


good luck man.


*opens wobbly pop for poppinjays good fortune*
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Old 11-08-2005, 11:02 AM   #11 (permalink)
through charlatans phone
 
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I've always enjoyed cursing endlessly at people whether they've rejected me or not. Ya fuckin bastard!
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Old 11-08-2005, 11:03 AM   #12 (permalink)
through charlatans phone
 
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Location: Northcoast
Oh yeah, I forgot to add that being drunk does helps an awful lot with the cursing. Prick.
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Old 11-08-2005, 11:07 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Location: Chicago
Quote:
Originally Posted by paddyjoe
I've always enjoyed cursing endlessly at people whether they've rejected me or not. Ya fuckin bastard!
No No No No No..

You have a disability -- you have tourettes syndrome ... you can't help yourself.. (least that's my excuse in the airport when i feel the need to go off on the red jackets
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Old 11-08-2005, 11:24 AM   #14 (permalink)
will always be an Alyson Hanniganite
 
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Location: In the dust of the archives
Quote:
Originally Posted by maleficent
No No No No No..

You have a disability -- you have tourettes syndrome ... you can't help yourself..
That's brilliant!! Now...you fall under the Americans with Disabilities Act. They have to hire you...or face legal action. And, you get to curse out the "boss" any damn time you feel like it. Win win.
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Old 11-08-2005, 11:26 AM   #15 (permalink)
Junkie
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bill O'Rights
That's brilliant!! Now...you fall under the Americans with Disabilities Act. They have to hire you...or face legal action. And, you get to curse out the "boss" any damn time you feel like it. Win win.
I've let all you fuckers in on my master plan... fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckity fuck fuck.. andfuck
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Old 11-08-2005, 11:29 AM   #16 (permalink)
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I love it when girls talk dirty to me....
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Old 11-08-2005, 11:33 AM   #17 (permalink)
With a mustache, the cool factor would be too much
 
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Location: left side of my couch, East Texas
Quote:
Originally Posted by maleficent
I've let all you fuckers in on my master plan... fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckity fuck fuck.. andfuck
And we wonder why mal isn't in the 'fuck' thread.
She expends it all in other threads!
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Old 11-08-2005, 11:44 AM   #18 (permalink)
Junkie
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Fremen
And we wonder why mal isn't in the 'fuck' thread.
She expends it all in other threads!
ya mean that thread's not about the actual act - just the word? I figggered if I went in there i'd be depressed...

Oh yeah - -on to this topic...

Pick a tagent and just start talking about whatever pops into your head -- topic? we don't need no stinkin' topic... talk about what YOU want to talk about - it's all about you remember? and this company would be damn lucky tohave you - -make sure you tell them that... tell 'em I told you --everyone knows me..
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Old 11-08-2005, 12:47 PM   #19 (permalink)
through charlatans phone
 
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Location: Northcoast
Oh man, listen to yourselves. And you're calling ME disabled. Fuckers!
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Old 11-08-2005, 12:54 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Location: Chicago
you could use TFP as a reference.. when they ask for who in particular.. tell 'em to just start a thread - -people will respond to anything -
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Old 11-08-2005, 01:53 PM   #21 (permalink)
Fly
see the links to my music?
 
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Location: Beautiful British Columbia
Quote:
Originally Posted by paddyjoe
Oh man, listen to yourselves. And you're calling ME disabled. Fuckers!

yeah poppinjay...........tell'em how disabled of a guy joe is.......they won't fuck with him,and you'll be dialed in.
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Old 11-08-2005, 05:41 PM   #22 (permalink)
comfortably numb...
 
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Location: upstate
Quote:
Originally Posted by paddyjoe
Oh man, listen to yourselves. And you're calling ME disabled. Fuckers!
we got 'em, pj...
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Old 11-10-2005, 11:24 AM   #23 (permalink)
You had me at hello
 
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Location: DC/Coastal VA
I have two back to back job interviews next week. And they called and asked before I even had a chance to get drunk.

Now I'll have to practice the brogue and the off topic discssion. "I was a wee lad from down the lanes of Limerick, but they all said I had the odd manner of my pa, from county Toome. I like floury white potatas and worshippin' our Lard."

scratch scratch
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Old 11-10-2005, 12:35 PM   #24 (permalink)
alpaca lunch for the trip
 
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Actually, if you speak only in limerick, that would benefit you as well.

"I'm here to learn of your job,
because the previous git was a slob,
he'd kick and he'd scream,
at every machine,
and then would play with his corn cob."

If they ask you about your relevant experience:

"I have no experience like that,
except that I did it to my cat,
she bent over one day,
to get out of the way,
and felt my John Thomas so fat."

I think this is working pretty well......
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Old 11-10-2005, 12:58 PM   #25 (permalink)
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Don't read nonsense at work.
Don't read nonsense at work.
Don't read nonsense at work.
Don't read nonsense at work.
Don't read nonsense at work.


People think you are an idiot when you look at your computer screen when you are writing code and laugh out loud, especially when you don't have a particularly quiet giggle. The code just isn't that funny.

you could laugh for no good reason...
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Old 11-11-2005, 10:05 AM   #26 (permalink)
Indifferent to anti-matter
 
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Location: Tucson, AZ
Bring a gun to the interview and make the interviewer "an offer he can't refuse". Just saw The Godfather last night for about the 15th time. Worked for them.
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Old 11-11-2005, 10:35 AM   #27 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vermin
Bring a gun to the interview and make the interviewer "an offer he can't refuse". Just saw The Godfather last night for about the 15th time. Worked for them.
Or do an al pacino in scarface and introduce them to your little friend
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Old 11-11-2005, 10:59 AM   #28 (permalink)
Falling Angel
 
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Location: L.A. L.A. land
Quote:
Originally Posted by jujueye
Actually, if you speak only in limerick, that would benefit you as well.

"I'm here to learn of your job,
because the previous git was a slob,
he'd kick and he'd scream,
at every machine,
and then would play with his corn cob."

If they ask you about your relevant experience:

"I have no experience like that,
except that I did it to my cat,
she bent over one day,
to get out of the way,
and felt my John Thomas so fat."

I think this is working pretty well......
This is So F-in funny! Particularly because I've recently requested my co-workers to communicate to me only in haiku...and that's how I've started communicating with them.

Server lights flash bright
Networks crash and burn like leaves
Free time to clean desks
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