skier

This is a transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation between a US navel ship and the Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.

Canadians: "Please divert your course by 15 degrees south to avoid a collision".

Americans: "Recommend that you divert your course by 15 degrees north to avoid a collision"

Canadians: "Negative. You have to divert your course by 15 degrees south to avoid a collision"

Americans: "This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course".

Canadians: "No. I say again divert YOUR course".

Americans: "THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE BY 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP".

Canadians: "This is a lighthouse. Your Call"


Figured we should start a little multinational joke thread. If any Americans happen to pop in here, you're welcome to throw in a few about our stereotypes.

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"Asking a bomb squad if an old bomb is still "real" is not the best thing to do if you want to save it." - denim

Ace_O_Spades

bwahaha

awesome!

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Feh.

prosequence

Never gets old hearing that one..... love it

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And now here I stand because of you, Mister Anderson, because of you I'm no longer an agent of the system, because of you I've changed...

skier

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,
"Look Michael, look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large land mass the top corner and asked, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's Canada, the most glorious place on Earth. There's beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast-line. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable ice hockey players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed. "What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!"
God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards I'm putting next to them."

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"Asking a bomb squad if an old bomb is still "real" is not the best thing to do if you want to save it." - denim

Fly

i couldn't agree more.


nice slice......

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BASTARD

SterlingStudios

skier

No americans feel like speaking up? Let's see if this one will do it.


In a train car there were a Canadian, an American, a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady. After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the American had a big red slap mark on his cheek.

1. The blonde thought - "That American son of a bitch wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face"
2. The fat lady thought - "This dirty old American laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him".
3. The American thought - "That fucking Canadian put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me".
4. The Canadian thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that stupid American again".

__________________
"Asking a bomb squad if an old bomb is still "real" is not the best thing to do if you want to save it." - denim

Chloe

Hahaha those are awesome. Keep them coming!

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"If something ain't growing, it's dead."

canuckguy

those are awesome!

skier

Still nothing from our southern pals.

President George W. Bush called Prime Minister Jean Chretien with a pressing emergency; "Our largest condom factory has exploded," Bush cried. "My people's favorite source of birth control is in jeopardy!
This is a disaster!"

"George, da Canajian pipple would be 'appy to do anyt'ing wit'in der power to 'elp you," replied the Prime Minister.

"I need your help," said Bush. "Could you possibly send us 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"

"Certainment! I will get on hit right haway," said Jean.

"Oh, and one small favor, please?" said President George W."

"Oui?" replied Jean.

"Could the condoms be red, white and blue, and at least 10 inches long, with a 4 inch diameter?" asked Bush.

"No prob'lem," replied the Prime Minister, and with that Chretien hung up and called the President of Trojan.

"I need a favor. You got to make 1,000,000 condoms right haway, and sen'dem to Hamerica."

"Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.

"Great! Now listen mon ami. Dey haf to be rouge, blanc et bleu in colour, hat least 10 hinches long, and 4 hinches in dia'meter."

"That's easily done Jean. Anything else?"

"Yes," said the Prime Minister, "an print on dem

MADE IN CANADA, size: SMALL.

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"Asking a bomb squad if an old bomb is still "real" is not the best thing to do if you want to save it." - denim

skier

Double feature today.

Three Americans and three Canadians are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Americans each buy tickets and watch as the three Canadians buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three Americans.

"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the Canadians.

They all board the train. The Americans take their respective seats but all three Canadians cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Americans saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Americans decide to copy the Canadians on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Canadians don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed American.

"Watch and you'll see," says one of the Canadians.

When they board the train, the three Americans cram into a restroom and the three Canadians cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Canadians leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Americans are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

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"Asking a bomb squad if an old bomb is still "real" is not the best thing to do if you want to save it." - denim

Averett

Here's a response from your neighbor to the south.


HAHAHAHAHAHAH!

Keep em coming

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Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great.

Merlocke

great work - keep em coming

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-=[ Merlocke ]=-

skier

more painful jokes.
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were American too.

Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks.

There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd.

The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I am not an American."

"Then", asks the teacher, "what are you?"

"I'm a proud Canadian," boasts the little girl.

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian. "Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I'm a Canadian too."

The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"

A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Kristen, "I'd be an American."

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"Asking a bomb squad if an old bomb is still "real" is not the best thing to do if you want to save it." - denim

highthief

http://www.truthorfiction.com/rumors...aftcarrier.htm

Alas, it's an urban legend...

Still a good joke though.

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Si vis pacem parabellum.

Fly

fuckin' lovin' it man........thanx and bring 'em on.

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BASTARD

SterlingStudios

giantpizzaman

LOL thanks for all the jokes hahha

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hang out with your wang out then rock up with your cock up

skier

A Canadian man was in a diner having coffee and croissants with butter and jam when an American man chewing gum sat down next to him.

The American snapped his gum and said, "You Candian folk eat the whole bread?"
The Canadian replied, "Of course."
The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In the States we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container,recycle them,transform them into croissants and sell them to Canada."

The American had a smirk on his face. "D'ya eat jelly with the bread?"
The Canadian replied, "Of course."
The American cracked his gum between his teeth. "We don't. In the States we eat fresh fruit for breakfast. We put all the peels,seeds and leftovers into a container, recycle and transform them into jam and sell it to Canada."

The Canadian asked, "Do you have sex in the States?"
The American replied, "Of course we do."
The Canadian asked, "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

The American replied, "We throw them away of course."
Then the Canadian smiled. "We don't. In Canada we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States."

of course, you can replace canada and america with pretty much anything, but it's still good.

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"Asking a bomb squad if an old bomb is still "real" is not the best thing to do if you want to save it." - denim

skier

A Texan, while visiting Toronto, found himself in the back seat of a taxi cab on the way to his hotel. Passing by the Royal York the Texan asked the cab driver "What's that building there?" "That's the Royal York Hotel" replied the cabbie. "The Royal York? How long did it take to build that?" asked the Texan. "About 12 years" replied the cabbie.
"12 years? We build 'em twice as high, twice as wide and four times as long down in Texas, and we do that in six months."

A while later the cab driver makes his was past the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre. "What's that building over there?" asked the Texan. "That's the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre" replied the cabbie. "Convention Centre? How long'd it take to build that?" asked the Texan. "About three years" replied the cabbie. "Three years? We build 'em twice as high, three times as long and four times as wide as that down in Texas, and it only takes us about two weeks."

Shortly thereafter the cabbie drives past the CN Tower. "What's that building there?" asks the Texan, pointing at the tower. "Danged if I know" replied the cabbie, "It wasn't here when I drove by yesterday."

i like this one

__________________
"Asking a bomb squad if an old bomb is still "real" is not the best thing to do if you want to save it." - denim

small one

All brilliant

Daval

Good Jokes people.

Lets keep them lighthearted though and not post anything overly rude and insulting. The american schoolteacher joke was good, but its kinda toeing the line I think.

Daval
Canadian SuperModerator

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"It is impossible to obtain a conviction for sodomy from an English jury. Half of them don't believe that it can physically be done, and the other half are doing it."
Winston Churchill

skier

*toes line*


Beware Of Canadians!
An American, an Australian, and a Canadian were sitting in a bar one day
enjoying a few beers.

The American grabbed his beer, knocked it back in one gulp, then threw
the glass into the air and shot it with his handgun. As he set his handgun
on the bar, he told the Canadian and the Australian that in the great
U.S. of A., they had so much money they never drank out of the same glass
twice.

Next the Australian drank his beer, threw the glass into the air and
shot the glass with the American's gun. As he was setting the gun back on
the bar, he proclaimed that in Australia they had so much sand that glass
was cheap, and he too never drank from the same glass twice.

Finally, the Canadian drank his beer, grabbed the gun off the bar, and
shot the American.

As he was setting the gun back on the bar, he told the Australian that
in Canada, we have so many Americans, that you never have to drink with the
same one twice.

__________________
"Asking a bomb squad if an old bomb is still "real" is not the best thing to do if you want to save it." - denim

skier

Probably the last anti-american joke before I descend into general tomfoolery.

After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Molson sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Molson's?"

The Molson president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

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"Asking a bomb squad if an old bomb is still "real" is not the best thing to do if you want to save it." - denim

skier

Bob, a middle-aged Canadian tourist, visits the red light district of
Oklahoma City & enters a large brothel. It's only his second time in
Oklahoma.

The Madam asks him to be seated & sends over a young lady to entertain
the prospective client. They sit & talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a
bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she gasps and
runs away!

Seeing this, the Madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the
gentleman. They sit & talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit,drink a bit, and she sits on his lap.
He again whispers in her ear, and she screams "No!" and walks quickly away!

The Madam decides that only the most experienced lady, Lola, would do!

Lola looks a bit tired, but there is nothing she hasn't done already and
absolutely nothing would surprise her. They sit and talk, frolic a little,
giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear
and she screams "No!" louder than the previous two, smacks him as hard
as she can, and runs away!

Madam is by now, absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in
all her years of operating a brothel. She asks, "What did you want to do,
to make them run away like that?"

Bob said: "I just asked if I can pay in Canadian Dollars".

__________________
"Asking a bomb squad if an old bomb is still "real" is not the best thing to do if you want to save it." - denim

skier

Just had to put this one in here. Laughed so hard at it.

Wednesday Feb 20 2002

Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil," Libya, China, and Syria today announced they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil," which they said would be way eviler than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of his State of the Union address.

Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. "Right. They are Just as Evil... in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we're the best evils...
best at being evil... we're the best."

Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil.

"They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad.

"An Axis can't have more than three countries," explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So you can only have three. And a secret handshake. Ours is wicked cool."

THE AXIS PANDEMIC
International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered.

Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what became a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia said they had formed the Axis of Somewhat Evil, forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the Axis
of Occasionally Evil, while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the Axis of Not So Much Evil Really As Just Generally Disagreeable.

With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the Axis of Countries
That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics; Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed the Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Nasty Thoughts About America, while Spain, Scotland, and New Zealand established the Axis of Countries That Be Allowed to Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick.

"That's not a threat, really, just something we like to do," said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.

While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axes, although he rejected the establishment of the Axis of Countries Whose Names End in "Guay," accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges.

Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn't want to join any Axis, but privately, world leaders said that's only because no one asked them.

__________________
"Asking a bomb squad if an old bomb is still "real" is not the best thing to do if you want to save it." - denim

Daval

HAHA, thats a great one!

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"It is impossible to obtain a conviction for sodomy from an English jury. Half of them don't believe that it can physically be done, and the other half are doing it."
Winston Churchill

fallenangel

Agreed, the Beer Drinking Presidents one is my favourite... fucking American piss beer *mutter mutter*

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all I wanna do is - give the best of me to you

Mizizing

Heres one to piss everyone off...

Americans: Drink weak, bad-tasting beer.

Canadians: Drink strong, bad-tasting beer.

Brits: Drink warm, bad-tasting beer.

Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.

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Connecting the dots...

billyeggs

Thats a great one too Mizizing!!!