You, the accused
 

So, I decided while brushing my teeth that we needed a new game on this board.

Each post will consist of a ridiculous but airtight alibi, and a ridiculous accusation. It doesn't ahve to be a crime, just goofy. Give your alibi, then accuse the next poster of something.

Can't find your pants? Accuse someone. Car broke down? the next guy to post may have poured sugar in your gas tank.


Whoever gets here next is the one that stashed my cell phone under my bed for the past two weeks. My box spring is directly on the floor, now frame, no space underneath. that's why foul play was involved, and you did it.

While I admit that your mom and I were bouncing the box spring pretty well a coupla weeks ago, I never, ever saw your cell phone, let alone touch it. Ask your ma. It was probably one of her other customers.


BTW....

I know you were into my Penthouse collection! Those pages were never stuck together before! Admit it, you scumbag!

I never thought I'd see the day that the grumpy one would get his avatar ;)

And erhm... yes, I'll just admit it straight up, I unloaded in your Penthouse magazines.

But you peed on my backpack!

It wasn't me, I was the one who pooed on your backpack. Seriously, if I wanted to pee on your backpack I would have. But I think I may know who did it.


WHOA WHOA WHOA!! Who licked my stamp?!

Yes, our friends in the Playground picked it for me.:cool:
I've got more shots of Walter that I intend to alternate.

It wasn't bloody me, i haven't even got a tounge.


Alright, who ripped the aerial off my car?

I licked your stamp. I wanted to kill myself and after watching a particular episode of Seinfeld, I thought that "death by cheap glue" seemed a good way to go. Unfortunatley, you only had one, and it only gave me a mild buzz.

But what I REALLY want to know is...who cut the hole in the watermellon that I had in the fridge????

um. maybe it was your girlfriend

why did you give me all these goddamn popups!

I swear I didn't give you pop-ups, but I have been sending you tons of emails telling you how to get rid of them.

I know you called me this 'morning' at 3pm breathing heavily into the phone.

Honest to God, it wasn't me doing the breathing...I hung up before you answered.


Here's what I want to know, you moron. Why did you cut me off on my way to work yesterday?

'cause you were hogging the turn lane, dipstick...not the right thing to do in the can of worms...


ok, who's got my corvette keys?

I didn't take 'em, but i seen the bloke that did. Big fella, had an LA Lakers top on...


Now I'm fingered, you've went and ate the last or my girlfriends chocolate ice cream...

OK, it was me. But she was wearing it at the time.



Alright!!! Who ate the marshmallows out of my box of Lucky Charms?!?!

I had to tape over them.
They suck.

Who changed my mouse to right click?

I'm glad you owned up to that cause she's been complaining about the dust around here for ages.

I don't own any yo yo's

Hail Citizens!

I found this poor thread outside my computer, cold and starving.

Who could have done this to one so young? WHO?

not me, i was in the warehouse running an inventory on sleeper jammies...


ok, who drank the last of my harvey's?

I thought it was marvey's. I spit it back out don't worry.

Who stained the word "traitor" in my front lawn just cause my real name is very French?

Fucked if i know mate, but i seen GWB walking around with a bucket of hydrochloric acid...


Alright, who kept slipping all those ugly chicks into my bed at uni?

It was either Jack Daniels or Jim Beam. You've only got yourself to blame!

Why did you molest that poor girl in Colorado?

Not me, it looked like some little vietnamese chick....

Who drank my god damn Raspberry Reaction Kool-Aid?

Not me I've been drinking this jug that's labeled with Raspberry Reaction Kool-Aid crossed out and written over top of with crayon to say Ecto Cooler. I saw a vietnamese girl carrying a crayon wander off somewhere...

And who the fuck ate my pizza leftovers. I was saving that for dinner!

I didn't eat them, I rolled them up and Flyman smoked 'em...


Who let the dogs out?

Not me, I only have cats.

why'd you shoot cher?

jeez, it was only paintball...


speaking of which, where's my helmet? fly, you usin' it to hide something?

I didn't touch it, I did see a helmet-shaped toilet the other day. I didn't know what to think of it. So I crapped in it.

Who put this "Kick Me" sign on my back?

Not me, unless these High Heels are yours.

Who keeps forcing me to date really psycho women?

It was not I, but rumor has it that Bones is running a Psycho Women Dating Hotline and your number is the only one he is giving away to the applicants.

...

Who sold my soul to the devil?

in the words of the immortal sailor man, "bluto done it..."


meanwhile, someone left my cake out in the rain...

I wouldn't do it because I know it took so long to bake.

now if i could just find out who signed me up for a subscription to "Soap Opera Digest"

I signed you up for the NAMBLA newsletter, but not SOD...

I wanna know who chromed my head like Destro.

(oops I type too slow!)

It wasn't me, I got you the Backstreet Boys complete album collection.


Who sabotaged my mountain bike tire?

*raises hand* So what? Got beef? :D

All right, chumps, who stole my sanity? I know it was one of you ::squints eyes and leers around::

Tweren't me Mista Bones. I only took the 'Delete' button.


Who replaced my pepperoni with poker chips?

not me, but the shadow knows...


anybody seen my weber grill?

I swear I didn't take it to fulfil my perverted sexual desires, I swear I didn't. It..it was bundy. No, it was fremen. No...I dunno. But it weren't me!


btw, who the fuck left their soiled white underpants on my doorstep? Was it you? Or was it you? Or YOU?!

Ok ok...I'll admit...they are my underpants, but I'm not the one who soiled them. Honest.

Who the hell shaved my ass while I was sleeping?

frederick remington did it, not i...but i watched and it was 'ckin' hilarious...


what happened to the legion ball game this afternoon? who changed the schedule?

The girl down the block, dude.

Who stole Speilbergs movie prowess?

some dude with a giant hammer, not me...


bring me the head of alfredo garcia...

You talkin' to ME? I ain't gettin' no head from Alfredo NOBODY!

But, somebody tapped my shoulder. When I turned, no one was there. Was that you?

nope, must have been fly...


where's my moon pie...

It's in your pants.... and quit calling me "pie".

Who stole the rest of the thread?

It wasn't me, all I've got is this yellow yarn.

Who pissed in my cheerios?

Don't look at me because I have a video of Uncle Phil whizzing in your breakfast my friend. He also 'sweetened' your coffee this morning.

...

Who took my African Teak Dunhill Lighter?

i did, but only because grump told me to, and he's bigger and uglier than i am...


who stole the kishka?

Fat and round and firmly packed?
It was hanging on the rack.
Yusef brought it back!

Where's the beef?

why, the beef is in my pants, of course.

What I want to know is why did you tie my shoes together?

They kept wandering off on their own!

Who forgot to feed the dog?

Well, I admit, I forgot, but he was workin' the neighborhood at the time and it jumped my mind.

Did you steal my fries!?!

nope, must have been GH...


who dat humpin' dat chicken?

That was a chicken? I thought it was a disemboweled fetus.

Who spanked my monkey?

That was truly disgusting...


But it was one of your multiple personalities that spanked your monkey...You are Jack's monkey spanker....

...

Who drugged me and forced me to have sex with that 19 year old cute virgin brunette coed?

I don't know Jack!

Surely you didn't steal my mojo, baby?

I stole it, I admit. But brother let's face it, you'd be better off with horse spit.

Ok who's the big dummy that is censoring my freaking post?

Not me, I was too busy wondering if you had a football shaped head.

Who stole my Men At Work albums! I loved those goddamn things!

Sorry! Here, you can have them back. I only took them to polish all of those nasty grooves off of them. See? Nice and shiny like your CD's. Isn't that better?

Who stole Michael Jackson's pigmentation?

Wasn't me. He was loving enough to share his bed with me, why would I want to harm him?

Who added Garth Brooks to my playlist?

It wasn't me, I was with grumpyold dude, raiding your porn collection. Just ask him..

But you are the one who photoshopped Barnesy picture onto the body of every one of my Bon jovi posters.

Don't look at me. Both Barney and Bon Jovi make me want to yak. If I saw them together, I'd probably bring up a lung.

However, I think you were the one who melted the face off my Han Solo, in Hoth outfit, action figure. Why did you do it? How will I ever recreate the battle of Hoth again?

'twas not i, grasshopper, but i'll keep my eyes open for the real culprit...


who smacked my ass and called me sally?

i would never smack the ass of uncle phil! i don't even have hands! never mind how i type.

what i really want to know is, why is there a head-cheese and pimento-loaf sandwich stuffed in my VCR?

It looked hungry...I'm sorry. I mean someone said it looked hungry, stuffed the sandwich in and buggered off...didn't catch his name...

Who is responsible for the theft of my pocket-sized particle accelerator?

That would be the Ghostbusters down the street.

Did you steal my soul?

I only borrowed your soul! I left it in your mailbox!

Last I heard, the guy next door traded it for Alf pogs!

YOU THREW UP ON MY MAGIC CARPET DIDN'T YOU!??!

nope, bones did it...he missed the roilet...


...can't find my other avatar of mm...

I dint take her, Big Willy did.

Did you sell my rusted musket?

nope, i gave away your busted muskrat...


my ear is on fire...

I was just standing NEAR this old blow torch and it ..well... em...just kinda...uh.... HONEST! I DID NOT TOUCH IT!

Has anyone seen my nicotine suppositories?

Those marks...... I fell over a bale and a hen picked me

easy, homer...pick yourself up and start over...it'll get better...

Who's turn is it, anyway?

i'll go.

SUPPOSITORIES?........ well that explains a few things... i mean... i haven't seen them.

by the way, what were you thinking, taking my burrito-maker like that??

i didn't take your burrito-maker anywhere...he left by himself...


why is my roilet plugged up?

I saw it was unplugged, so I plugged it back in. Now your roilet light is working and you can see your way to the john in the middle of the night...

...

Why did you hide my car keys???

The way you drive? My mother was coming in from out of town, and I didn't think she would survive with both of you on the road at the same time. The DMV should have done what I did years ago.


And what did you do with my dog that causes him to cower in the corner, and for that matter, what happened to all my trashbags?

It wasn't me, but I heard some guy was giving neighborhood pets free pushes down 7-mile hill inside garbage bags.

Who was it that rearranged my ass indentation on my sofa?

not me, but i saw fly skulking around just outside the door...


who moved my truck?

Hey there Uncle Phil...I didn't move that truck...The guy I sold it to did.

...

and while I'm thinking of it...Who replaced my contact solution with battery acid?

It couldn't have been me for I was up late last night looking for my own freshly made batch of said acid.

I was just wondering who left all the friggin balloon animals on my back porch????????????/

Peter, be careful those ballon animals are steaking out your place. They are waiting for you to leave and then they are going to strip your place clean. They hit Uncle Phil's last week, they even took his second M Monroe avatar.

so what happened to you, pheatius?

I had a gas attack. And stop calling me Pheatius!

Who tried to kill this wonderful thread?

Not I or my little dog, too. (Dorothy did it, the slut)

Who adjusted my presets on my game-controller?

Unless you are suggesting that when I crushed the controller by backing over it with my truck I somehow changed your presets, it could not have possibly been me.

...

Who stole the rest of my post yesterday?

wasn't me; i tried to look for it but ended up drinking bourbon instead...


where's the pizza?

Don't look at me. I hate anchovies and pineapple. (Damn, how do you eat that stuff?)



OK, who brought the doggie?

Farley did it. He likes the attention.

Where did you put the toupee, Gladys?

my sister put the toupee on her baby, its posted on teh web so i have proof, if you send mee4895$ uS pounds sterling i will embargo all your base and provide a COA...

But why have all you people ruined the career and reputation of Jeniifer Love Hewitt?? that girl is so=o talented.. what's wrong with you people??

It's all part of my plan to make her love me by taking away everything good in her life. I'll look like a real catch once she hits rock bottom.

Now why is your cat acting like my monkey?

i guess my cat is horny; want me to shoot it?


ok, who's got the beer barrel?

Bones took it! Bones took it!

Where is my midget mallet!?!

that teeny, tiny thing? fly's running around with it looking for midgets...


anybody seen last month's "hemmings?"

I was looking for a bumper for a '54 Caddy Cabriolet, then I lent it to Big Shirley. She likes to lick the pictures.

Who told my wife about the Titty Board?

fremen did it; i get bccs of all his e-mail...


ok, who's got a buck for the jukebox? (thought i was going to say "nickel" didn't you, grump...)

Ain't it curious... The old songs were worth a buck, but cost a nickel, and the new songs cost a buck but ain't worth a nickel!
Anyway, hit up Fremen for the buck. He's the guy with the pantomime piano and the tip jar.

I set my gimlet down for a sec and it disappeared. Who took it?

Charles Nelson Reilly took it. Hey!! What kind of bar is this? :hmm: ;)

When did you take my Weenie dog?

I never took your weenie dog, but I did spot several ninjas clinging to the ceiling above it...

And while we're on the subject, who stole my grappling hook, used it to get on my roof, and then took a crap down the chimney?

bones is always doing shit like that...


ok, any bourbon left in the back of that cabinet?