Toilet Paper alternatives - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

kramus · 05-31-2009, 05:44 PM

Years ago I learned to always check public stalls before getting "caught short" by a lack of TP. I have used old paper napkins, and even on one occasion an empty cardboard tube I carefully tore apart, then disposed of in the restroom wastecan wrapped in paper towels when I was done. I think that was the final straw - never again have I been forced to improvise when away from home. In the woods there have been leaves ready to hand (but not used with anything but a sense that life has improved since my ancestors left the cave).

I stumbled upon this purported quote in Everything2.com (easy to stumble upon all kinds of oddness at that site) and got a chuckle from it. Decided to share, and ask if anyone has any creative solutions to a problem that can leap from nowhere.

Quote:

In the classic sixteenth century novel Gargantua and Pantagruel, a great novel that predates the writings of Cervantes and Shakespeare, and is guaranteed permanent inclusion in the western canon of literature, noted author Francois Rabelais gave careful consideration to the subject of alternatives to toilet paper.

In the thirteenth chapter of the first book, titled "How Grandgousier realized Gargantua's marvelous intelligence, by his invention of an Arse-wipe," the protagonist Gargantua (from whose name we have derived the word Gargantuan), while still a child, explores many options for wiping his arse, until he finally arrives at what he finds to be the best.

Among the items that he uses to wipe his arse, the following are included:

1. A lady's velvet mask
2. A lady's hood
3. A lady's neckerchief
4. Some earflaps of crimson satin
5. A page's bonnet, all feathered in the Swiss fashion
6. A March-born cat
7. His Mother's gloves, well scented with maljamin
8. Sage
9. Fennel
10. Anise
11. Marjoram
12. Roses
13. Gourd Leaves
14. Cabbage
15. Beets
16. Vineshoots
17. Marsh-mallow
18. Mullein, which is as red as your bum
19. Lettuces
20. Spinach-leaves
21. Dog's Mercury
22. Persicaria
23. Nettles
24. Comfrey
25. His Codpiece
26. The Sheets
27. The Coverlet
28. The Curtains
29. A Cushion
30. The Hangings
31. A Green Cloth
32. A Table-cloth
33. A Napkin
34. A Handkerchief
35. An Overall
36. Hay
37. Straw
38. Litter
39. Cow's Hair
40. Wool
41. Paper
42. A Kerchief (again)
43. A Pillow
44. A Slipper
45. A Game-bag
46. A Basket
47. A Hat... and some hats are
* Smooth
* Shaggy
* Velvety
* Of Taffeta
* Of Satin
...though the best of all are the shaggy ones
48. A Hen
49. A Cock
50. A Chicken
51. A Calf's Skin
52. A Hare
53. A Pigeon
54. A Cormorant
55. A Lawyer's Bag
56. A Penitent's Hood
57. A Coif
58. An Otter
59. A Well-downed Goose

Some of these options, he finds, are not so good, for instance the ear flaps of crimson satin, of which he states:

"...there were a lot of turdy gilt spangles on them,
and they took all the skin off my bottom. May
St. Anthony's fire burn the bum-gut of the goldsmith
who made them and of the lady who wore them!"

As for paper, it leaves him less than satisfied with the results:

"Who his foul bum with paper wipes
Will on his ballocks leave some chips."

But it is the last option, the well-downed goose, that leaves him most satisfied:

"But to conclude, I say and maintain that there
is no arse-wiper like a well-downed goose,
if you hold her neck between your legs.
You must take my word for it, you really must.
You get a miraculous sensation in your arse-hole,
both from the softness of the down and from the
temperate heat of the goose herself; and this is
easily communicated to the bum-gut and the rest
of the intestines, from which it reaches the heart
and the brain."

All quotes from the J.M Cohen translation.

Another tidbit on this topic from that site by a member named "jodrell" -

Quote:

You know how it is, the law of toilet paper is always strictly enforced.

When you don't need it, it's everywhere.

When you do need it, it's out of reach.

When you *really* need it, it's nowhere to be seen.

So here is a collection of alternatives to toilet paper for those who find themselves stuck. I'm not saying I've tried any of them, they come from vague memories of drunken conversations with friends and strangers, and my own imagination.

1. The obvious - other kinds of paper

1. Kitchen towel
2. Old newspaper
3. Phone book
4. mail-order catalogue
5. bank notes

2. The Infantry Technique - how to make the best use of that last sheet of TP

(as described by an old army friend of mine)

1. Take your sheet and tear out a circular hole in the middle.
2. Put your finger through the whole and wipe yourself with the paper and your finger.
3. Use the remaining disc of paper (is it classed as chad?) to clean under your fingernail.

I'm told that on manoeuvres some (British) army units are only issued one roll of paper each - making the above necessary.

3. More Civilised Methods

1. a bidet
2. The Three Seashells (from Demolition Man)
3. an upturned shower head
4. a wet sponge (that's how the Romans did it)
5. your hand - sounds ikky I know - but do you think people in the Third World can afford it?)

4. The Last Resort

1. Your underwear
2. The carpet - like dogs do
3. don't bother.

Any other thoughts on this inane yet sometimes desperately important topic?

BadNick · 05-31-2009, 06:46 PM

I kinda like the idea of using cleaner shrimps...hang your butt into a bucket of cleaner shrimps and they'll take care of the dirty work...bonus: it will probably tickle and tingle...bonus2: it saves trees.

genuinegirly · 05-31-2009, 06:58 PM

Corn cobs. Never tried them myself, but I've heard they work great.

I'm a fan of wild ginger leaves, personally. Pretty fragrance, gentle texture.

ring · 06-01-2009, 10:21 AM

Mateless socks.

Martian · 06-01-2009, 10:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by genuinegirly

Corn cobs. Never tried them myself, but I've heard they work great.

Really? I could see husks, maybe, but cobs? Seems a bit painful and awkward.

Shell · 06-01-2009, 01:55 PM

...this would give a whole new meaning to something...just not sure what

Plan9 · 06-01-2009, 04:08 PM

Traffic citations and military leave forms were popular in 2007.

genuinegirly · 06-01-2009, 05:33 PM

Shell, that slick plastic doesn't seem like it'd work too well. No traction.
Rafia would work much better.

daysleeper · 06-01-2009, 06:19 PM

I never knew wiping your ass could be presented in such a classy fashion. And he didn't mention what you do with the goose once you're finished.. For shame.

All's I know is that for material, it's gotta be moist to protect my heinie.

05-31-2009, 06:58 PM	#3 (permalink)
genuinegirly Eat your vegetables Super Moderator Location: Arabidopsis-ville	Corn cobs. Never tried them myself, but I've heard they work great. I'm a fan of wild ginger leaves, personally. Pretty fragrance, gentle texture. __________________ "Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq "violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy

06-01-2009, 04:08 PM	#7 (permalink)
Plan9 I Confess a Shiver	Traffic citations and military leave forms were popular in 2007. __________________ *Whatever you can carry.* "You should not drink... and bake."

06-01-2009, 05:33 PM	#8 (permalink)
genuinegirly Eat your vegetables Super Moderator Location: Arabidopsis-ville	Shell, that slick plastic doesn't seem like it'd work too well. No traction. Rafia would work much better. __________________ "Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq "violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy

06-01-2009, 06:19 PM	#9 (permalink)
daysleeper Upright	I never knew wiping your ass could be presented in such a classy fashion. And he didn't mention what you do with the goose once you're finished.. For shame. All's I know is that for material, it's gotta be moist to protect my heinie. Last edited by daysleeper; 06-01-2009 at 06:21 PM.. Reason: spelling

05-31-2009, 06:46 PM	#2 (permalink)
BadNick Riding the Ocean Spray Location: S.E. PA in U Sofa	I kinda like the idea of using cleaner shrimps...hang your butt into a bucket of cleaner shrimps and they'll take care of the dirty work...bonus: it will probably tickle and tingle...bonus2: it saves trees.

06-01-2009, 10:21 AM	#4 (permalink)
ring ░ Location: ❤	Mateless socks.