Eloquent insults.....
 

OK, this thread is born from the need to obtain a more eh, "civilized" way of saying "douche bag". A guy from work just loves the word, and frankly, while it does flow easily off the tongue, I believe that there is a much more eloquent way of saying the same thing and sound polite at the same time. (You gotta love it when you insult someone and they really don't know if you just flamed or praised them....)

Anyhow, no sense in only including the phrase douche bag, so let's just make it open for all comers.....

Great thread, Push-pull. i'm a sucker when it comes ot insulting and cannot ofr my life find any other word that the insulting truth (lol), so any ideas would really come in handy.

Just call him a troglodyte :)

"inane drone" works well, or "cognitively simple"

infantesimile pismire, you are

A thin, meek and gentle fellow was entering a shop at the very same moment a large aggressive bully was making his exit. The doorway was much too narrow for the both of them so the bully says, “I NEVER give way to an idiot!” The little guy immediately steps aside to let him pass and then looks up and says, “Oh! But I ALWAYS DO!”

sophmoric works,

some will just think it's an undergrad.

call him a fecal remnant

Whatever comes off the top of your head should work as a response to "douche bag", if you feel the need to respond with anything other than a quick fist to the head.

Uhhh, the guy doesn't aim "douche bag" at me, but he is rather fond of using it often. Which is strange because the guy is actually very well rounded and intelligent. I just wanted to offer him an alternative.

"It's your kind wot cause unrest."

"When your IQ hits 50, sell. You will profit"

"Waste of perfectly good Oxygen"

"Anal Wart"

The problem with replacing douchebag in someone's vocabulary is that it has a certain euphony to it. Iambic insults just seem to work better "GODdamn STUpid FUCking WASTE of JISum" (And in pentameter at that.)

Wave hello and say " Hi! colonic"

If you was da tree and I was da Squirrel, I'd store me nuts in yer hole.

its not very eloquent, but I've found that shitbag is a nice change of pace from douchebag.

my Love for you is like diarrhea; I can't hold it in...

His Circle of Willis is choked with fecaliths.

Perhaps try suggesting a subtle change. For instance, I've noticed several people saying "douche nozzle" recently, but maybe you'd not find it any less annoying.

I'd have been your father if that collie hadn't got over the fence before me.

Is there a mirror in your pants, because I can see myself in them...

"I'm terribly sorry, but I completely forgot I requested your Opinion"

Oh....and Peniswipe

Use racial epithets, but make sure they're always the wrong ones.

more of a bad pickup line than an insult, wouldn't you say?

You need to keep in mind that when you are stooping to their level you need to use words they understand. The following, when said sacrastically, hits home rather well:

Just call then a "Mental Giant".

i probably would...

Somebody forgot to pay their brain bill again. (Sing-song-y)

Good alternatives to Douche bag are:

Fuck face
Ass Hat
Douche Nozzle
Festering zit on my ass
Fuck Tard
Cock face


I interchange them on a regular basis

I do like Fucktard

I love it :thumbsup:

I WOULD never say that to YOU.

I'm partial to "Toe Rag".

or, if he has a day during which he uses the term excessively, you could say "What is it with you and this incessant douchebaggery today?"

"yeah.. he's a real,(or she) Water Sport.

Compound insults are fun and all, but sometimes you have to be more straight forward with them. Next time he calls you a douchebag, tell him to go fornicate himself.

For more polite company, I always liked my daughter's favorite.

"Loserhead".

...... or to sit on himself. :)

Schweenbag is a good one. It doesn't actually mean anything, but it sounds filthy.

Iv'e called people 'Corizo'

best I've ever come up with is this:

That's not the most unintelligent thing I've ever heard, but it does have ambition.

Lepton

"I hope your ears turn into ass holes and shit on your shoulders"

" If you were any more of a tool they would sell you at Bunnings"

"I'd like to see things from your point of view but I just can't stick my head that far up my ass"

"Expel sebaceous fluids from your tear ducts in greater quantities novice."
translates to "Cry more newb"

If your brain were to be transplanted into a bird, it'd fly backwards.

I am weary and wary of having to insult anyone any more.

maybe I will keep it beezin in my mind from now on, and not have to vocalize it.

I am drunk on insomnia so do not pay any attention to my ramblings.

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
- Woody Allen

My favorites are: "Do they have a name for what's wrong with you?"
and
"You ignorant cuss!"