Things we have learn form porn... - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

nmm · 06-01-2006, 10:42 AM

1. Women wear high heels to bed.

2. Men are never impotent.

3. When going down on a woman, 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.

4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.

5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.

6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.

7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.

8. Women always orgasm when men do.

9. A blowjob will always get a woman off a speeding ticket.

10. All women make noise..

11. People in the 70's couldn't fuck unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background.

12. Those tits are real.

13. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.

14. Men always groan "OH YEAH" when they cum.

15. If there are two of them they "high five" each other (and the girl isn't disgusted).

16. Double penetration makes a woman smile.

17. Asian men don't exist.

18. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes, the boyfriend doesn't knock the piss out of you if you shove your cock in his girlfriend's mouth.

19. There's a plot.

20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite her by giving her a gentle slap on the butt.

21. Nurses suck patients' cocks.

22. Men always pull out.

23. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll only be momentarily pissed off before she fucks both of you.

24. Women never have headaches....or periods.

25. When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to remind her to "suck it".

26. Assholes are clean.

27. A man ejaculating on a woman's butt is a satisfying result for all parties concerned.

28. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trousers and find a cock there.

29. Men don't have to beg.

30. When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip.

fresnelly · 06-01-2006, 11:08 AM

31. As a woman, if you're having an affair with your best friend's husband, don't worry about getting caught by her. Most likely, she put him up to it because she has a secret crush on you, and figured this was the best way to get a threesome going.

32. If you're riding out into the desert in a convertible, you're going to get laid in it.

33. There's nothing strange about a professional photographer seducing the model at a photoshoot. It's just what happens.

34. The best way for a couple trapped in a loveless marriage to solve their problems, is to spend a weekend at a brothel. Or have a threesome with their marriage counselor.

35. During copulation, it's perfectly natural for a woman to gaze fixedly into the space beside her partner.

36. The most pleasurable positions are the ones where the whole of your bodies touch each other the least. It's a myth that you need to connect with more than just your hands and genitals to really enjoy yourself.

Charlatan · 06-01-2006, 11:22 AM

37. Women with long hair will always keep it held back and if not her sexual partner will hold it clear for her. Nobody is certain why.

maleficent · 06-01-2006, 11:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nmm

30. When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip.

or the back of his neck too... looking mighty proud of himself of course...

Redlemon · 06-01-2006, 11:25 AM

38. It is a little known fact that your voice is not related to your mouth position; it is just an ingrained habit. Many people, in the throes of passion, lose the ability to keep their mouth movements in sync with the words or sounds that they are making.

ironman · 06-01-2006, 12:02 PM

39. Hairy butts and celulitis are myths.
40. Every woman loves that her partner ejacultaes in her mouth, she loves the taste of it and given the opportunity, she'll share it mouth to mouth with a friend of hers.
41. Millionare women dig pizza delivery boys, gardners and pool cleaners.

Redlemon · 06-01-2006, 12:06 PM

42. Anal sex requires no lubrication or preparation - just go ahead and stick it in there.

(yay, I got #42!)

Charlatan · 06-01-2006, 12:11 PM

43. All male/female sex follows this general progression: Cunnilingus, Blow Job, Vaginal Sex, Anal Sex, Orgasm on Face.

Any deviation from this (other than the interchange of the first two items on the list) is to be regarded as "something kinky."

fresnelly · 06-01-2006, 12:17 PM

44. The best way for a female police officer to solve a brutal crime or bring down a criminal organization, is to go undercover as a prostitute and sleep with of the witnesses and suspects. Sleeping with her Supervisor is also a good idea.

Fremen · 06-01-2006, 12:59 PM

45. Women in Medieval Europe had tattoos, bikini tans, fake nails and fake tits.

Reese · 06-02-2006, 05:34 AM

46: Different positions flow seemlessly into each other. If you have to pull out to go from Missionary to doggy style, you're doing it wrong.

47: There are never interuptions during sex. The phone doesn't ring, the kids don't come home, you never have to stop because you think you left the stove on.

fresnelly · 06-02-2006, 05:37 AM

48. Semen tastes like ice-cream

Redlemon · 06-02-2006, 06:09 AM

49. Don't worry about removing clothes. They will suddenly vanish as you change positions. (This is a corollary to Rule 46.)

50. A penis will taste like chocolate following A2M. (This is a corollary to Rule 48.)

Tophat665 · 06-02-2006, 03:44 PM

51. For a woman's clitoris to be in her throat rather than her vulva is a not uncommon genetic abnormality.
52. All women are bisexual.
53. Pubic hair is permanently attached. It can be shaved, but never falls out on its own.
54. Any sort of in home sales gathering (for sex toys, lingeire, make-up, tupperware, food products, industrial welding supplies) will turn into a lesbian orgy.
55. Strippers dig gang-bangs

qtpye4u84 · 06-04-2006, 03:49 PM

56. It's not uncommon for a female to have an expression of boredom on her face and still sound like she's having fun.

blahblah454 · 06-04-2006, 04:16 PM

57. All women love anal sex and would prefer it to vaginal sex

Reese · 06-05-2006, 06:33 AM

58: Anal-to-Vaginal is completely safe.
59a: The average length of a penis is 10 inches
59b: And every woman can deepthroat the "average penis."

Sticky · 06-05-2006, 08:08 AM

60. Men, don't worry you re not unatractive women will dig you and you will get laid. And even if you are ugly, you will still get laid.
61. Women can't cum unless their asses are slapped.
62. When having sex vaginally and escpecially anally it is important for the Man to pull his penis out every few minutes and hold the woman's vagina or ass open. This allows oxygen to reach the more sensitive tissues and which is a key factor in bringing a woman to orgasm.

nmm · 06-05-2006, 11:49 PM

Wahoo... Thanks for completing the list like that... lol...

CSflim · 06-13-2006, 11:56 AM

On a related note:
If College-Themed Porn Were Real

Quote:

If College-Themed Porn Were Real
Situation One: The Naughty Student
Cindi, an attractive student with a large rack, walks up to the desk of her professor.

Porn:
Cindi: Is there anything I can do to raise this grade?
Professor: Some students do extra credit work.
Cindi: (has sex with him)

Reality:
Cindi: Is there anything I can do to raise this grade?
Professor: Some students do extra credit work.
Cindi: Like what?
Professor: A seven- to ten-page report about the economic principles behind trade rules in a Micronesian country of your choosing.
Cindi: Oh. That makes sense and it is an appropriate extra credit assignment for the course.

Situation Two: The Hot Teacher
Paul, a student in his late twenties, walks up to the desk of his teacher, Professor Mandy, who has enormous breasts.

Porn:
Paul: You wanted to see me after class, professor?
Professor Mandy: Yes. I need to test your performance.
Paul: How?
Professor Mandy: (fellates Paul)

Reality:
Paul: You wanted to see me after class, professor?
Professor Mandy: Yes. I need to test your performance.
Paul: How?
Professor Mandy: A series of tests based on the material covered in this course.
Paul: Could I just have sex with you instead?
Professor Mandy: (sues Paul)

Situation Three: The Sorority
Between two and a half-dozen attractive coeds sit on a large bed, in nighties which barely contain their ample bosoms.

Porn:
Head Sorority Girl: Let's have a naked pillowfight!
Assistant Head Sorority Girl: And practice kissing!
Sorority Girls: (do those things)

Reality:
I kind of assume this is what actually happens in sororities.

Situation Four: The Curious Freshman
A very attractive freshman girl named Candi sits on a bed with her boyfriend, Brett. Did I mention that Candi has boobs the size of overripe grapefruit? She does.

Porn:
Brett: Let's try anal sex.
Candi: Okay.

Reality:
Brett: Let's try anal sex.
Candi: No.

Situation Five: The Janitor
A strangely-muscular janitor knocks on the door of Bambi, a girl whose low-cut shirt reveals a veritable explosion of cleavage.

Porn:
Janitor: Do those pipes need cleaning?
Bambi: (apparently this is all the pillow talk she needs to have all kinds of sex with him)

Reality:
Janitor: Perhaps I should have stayed in school.
Bambi: I can see how you could be disappointed with your station in life.

wolf · 06-14-2006, 06:14 AM

63. Women love giving a blow job after anal sex.

Average_Joe · 06-29-2006, 10:34 AM

64. It takes the average man about 20 minutes of hard pumping to reach orgasm.

65. Don't worry about raping a woman because she will start enjoying it after the first 2 minutes.

66. Men usually don't get hard right away if the sex begins with licking bush.

67. Most women don't mind switching positions every 2 minutes.

06-01-2006, 10:42 AM	#1 (permalink)
nmm Tilted	Things we have learn form porn... 1. Women wear high heels to bed. 2. Men are never impotent. 3. When going down on a woman, 10 seconds is more than satisfactory. 4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarassment, but rather insist he have sex with her. 5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm. 6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men. 7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob. 8. Women always orgasm when men do. 9. A blowjob will always get a woman off a speeding ticket. 10. All women make noise.. 11. People in the 70's couldn't fuck unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background. 12. Those tits are real. 13. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt. 14. Men always groan "OH YEAH" when they cum. 15. If there are two of them they "high five" each other (and the girl isn't disgusted). 16. Double penetration makes a woman smile. 17. Asian men don't exist. 18. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes, the boyfriend doesn't knock the piss out of you if you shove your cock in his girlfriend's mouth. 19. There's a plot. 20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite her by giving her a gentle slap on the butt. 21. Nurses suck patients' cocks. 22. Men always pull out. 23. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll only be momentarily pissed off before she fucks both of you. 24. Women never have headaches....or periods. 25. When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to remind her to "suck it". 26. Assholes are clean. 27. A man ejaculating on a woman's butt is a satisfying result for all parties concerned. 28. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trousers and find a cock there. 29. Men don't have to beg. 30. When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip. __________________ Nihilistic Mad Man... Gallic Hedonist... Freak of Nature...

06-01-2006, 11:22 AM	#3 (permalink)
Charlatan Getting it. Super Moderator Location: Lion City	37. Women with long hair will always keep it held back and if not her sexual partner will hold it clear for her. Nobody is certain why. __________________ "My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars." - Old Man Luedecke

06-01-2006, 11:25 AM	#5 (permalink)
Redlemon Devoted Donor Location: New England	38. It is a little known fact that your voice is not related to your mouth position; it is just an ingrained habit. Many people, in the throes of passion, lose the ability to keep their mouth movements in sync with the words or sounds that they are making. __________________ I can't read your signature. Sorry.

06-01-2006, 12:02 PM	#6 (permalink)
ironman Smithers, release the hounds Location: Guatemala, Guatemala	39. Hairy butts and celulitis are myths. 40. Every woman loves that her partner ejacultaes in her mouth, she loves the taste of it and given the opportunity, she'll share it mouth to mouth with a friend of hers. 41. Millionare women dig pizza delivery boys, gardners and pool cleaners. __________________ If I agreed with you we´d both be wrong Last edited by ironman; 06-01-2006 at 12:05 PM..

06-01-2006, 12:06 PM	#7 (permalink)
Redlemon Devoted Donor Location: New England	42. Anal sex requires no lubrication or preparation - just go ahead and stick it in there. (yay, I got #42!) __________________ I can't read your signature. Sorry.

06-01-2006, 11:08 AM	#2 (permalink)
fresnelly Functionally Appropriate Location: Toronto	31. As a woman, if you're having an affair with your best friend's husband, don't worry about getting caught by her. Most likely, she put him up to it because she has a secret crush on you, and figured this was the best way to get a threesome going. 32. If you're riding out into the desert in a convertible, you're going to get laid in it. 33. There's nothing strange about a professional photographer seducing the model at a photoshoot. It's just what happens. 34. The best way for a couple trapped in a loveless marriage to solve their problems, is to spend a weekend at a brothel. Or have a threesome with their marriage counselor. 35. During copulation, it's perfectly natural for a woman to gaze fixedly into the space beside her partner. 36. The most pleasurable positions are the ones where the whole of your bodies touch each other the least. It's a myth that you need to connect with more than just your hands and genitals to really enjoy yourself.

06-01-2006, 12:11 PM	#8 (permalink)
Charlatan Getting it. Super Moderator Location: Lion City	43. All male/female sex follows this general progression: Cunnilingus, Blow Job, Vaginal Sex, Anal Sex, Orgasm on Face. Any deviation from this (other than the interchange of the first two items on the list) is to be regarded as "something kinky." __________________ "My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars." - Old Man Luedecke

06-01-2006, 12:17 PM	#9 (permalink)
fresnelly Functionally Appropriate Location: Toronto	44. The best way for a female police officer to solve a brutal crime or bring down a criminal organization, is to go undercover as a prostitute and sleep with of the witnesses and suspects. Sleeping with her Supervisor is also a good idea. Last edited by fresnelly; 06-01-2006 at 12:19 PM..

06-01-2006, 12:59 PM	#10 (permalink)
Fremen With a mustache, the cool factor would be too much Location: left side of my couch, East Texas	45. Women in Medieval Europe had tattoos, bikini tans, fake nails and fake tits. __________________ Google

06-02-2006, 05:34 AM	#11 (permalink)
Reese Delicious	46: Different positions flow seemlessly into each other. If you have to pull out to go from Missionary to doggy style, you're doing it wrong. 47: There are never interuptions during sex. The phone doesn't ring, the kids don't come home, you never have to stop because you think you left the stove on. __________________ “It is better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick” - Dave Barry

06-02-2006, 05:37 AM	#12 (permalink)
fresnelly Functionally Appropriate Location: Toronto	48. Semen tastes like ice-cream

06-02-2006, 06:09 AM	#13 (permalink)
Redlemon Devoted Donor Location: New England	49. Don't worry about removing clothes. They will suddenly vanish as you change positions. (This is a corollary to Rule 46.) 50. A penis will taste like chocolate following A2M. (This is a corollary to Rule 48.) __________________ I can't read your signature. Sorry.

06-02-2006, 03:44 PM	#14 (permalink)
Tophat665 Minion of the scaléd ones Location: Northeast Jesusland	51. For a woman's clitoris to be in her throat rather than her vulva is a not uncommon genetic abnormality. 52. All women are bisexual. 53. Pubic hair is permanently attached. It can be shaved, but never falls out on its own. 54. Any sort of in home sales gathering (for sex toys, lingeire, make-up, tupperware, food products, industrial welding supplies) will turn into a lesbian orgy. 55. Strippers dig gang-bangs __________________ Light a man a fire, and he will be warm while it burns. Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

06-04-2006, 03:49 PM	#15 (permalink)
qtpye4u84 Flavor+noodles Location: oregon	56. It's not uncommon for a female to have an expression of boredom on her face and still sound like she's having fun. __________________ The QTpie

06-04-2006, 04:16 PM	#16 (permalink)
blahblah454 Let's put a smile on that face Location: On the road...	57. All women love anal sex and would prefer it to vaginal sex

06-14-2006, 06:14 AM	#21 (permalink)
wolf Ravenous Location: Right Behind You	63. Women love giving a blow job after anal sex. __________________ Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as Gods. Cats have never forgotten this.

06-05-2006, 06:33 AM	#17 (permalink)
Reese Delicious	58: Anal-to-Vaginal is completely safe. 59a: The average length of a penis is 10 inches 59b: And every woman can deepthroat the "average penis." __________________ “It is better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick” - Dave Barry

06-05-2006, 08:08 AM	#18 (permalink)
Sticky	60. Men, don't worry you re not unatractive women will dig you and you will get laid. And even if you are ugly, you will still get laid. 61. Women can't cum unless their asses are slapped. 62. When having sex vaginally and escpecially anally it is important for the Man to pull his penis out every few minutes and hold the woman's vagina or ass open. This allows oxygen to reach the more sensitive tissues and which is a key factor in bringing a woman to orgasm. __________________ Sticky The Stickman

06-05-2006, 11:49 PM	#19 (permalink)
nmm Tilted	Wahoo... Thanks for completing the list like that... lol... __________________ Nihilistic Mad Man... Gallic Hedonist... Freak of Nature...

06-29-2006, 10:34 AM	#22 (permalink)
Average_Joe Psycho Location: Under the Radar	64. It takes the average man about 20 minutes of hard pumping to reach orgasm. 65. Don't worry about raping a woman because she will start enjoying it after the first 2 minutes. 66. Men usually don't get hard right away if the sex begins with licking bush. 67. Most women don't mind switching positions every 2 minutes.