I could really use some advice on this one. - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

noodle · 07-09-2005, 01:03 PM

Okay, so i've searched the threads around these parts, trying to find some advice. I was able to find some similar threads, but not exact, and since they were older ones, thought I might start a new one. So forgive me, please, if I've bounced proper etiquette. Here's my situation...

I was with my boyfriend for about eight months last year. He was my first and so far my only. I'm almost 29, by the way. And yeah, he nearly fell out, too. We had a satifying sex life for awhile and then due to multiple stressors in our lives, things kinda fell apart. So, he left in November. He started calling again in February and we came clean with quite a few issues. His main being that I was overweight, one of mine being that he'd never given me an orgasm and I faked it (I felt so guilty that I had to come clean). We kept talking and eventually met for lunch in April. Unbeknownst to him, I'd lost 45lbs (I needed that kick in the butt--I've lost 80lbs total in two years--but eww! extra skin!), gained back a LOT of my self-esteem and we ended up having hours of conversations on the phone about trying again. Enough history, sorry.

We've been back together for about six weeks and starting last weekend he wasn't able to quite finish when we had sex. First, he just said "It isn't going to happen, you're just too wet". Didn't realize that was an issue, so I just kinda made sure I showered first, etc. Happened again with a BJ and then last Monday, I get "you've got to help me out here, it leaves me frustrated all day when you can't get me off". He's not always an insensitive bastard, I promise. But I'm looking for maybe a little advice... I'm not all that great at being on top (he's got a really wide pelvis), he complains that he's "doing all the work" (which I second, and feel bad about), and I'm still pretty new at this. The whole wetness thing I read about and I've tried a couple of those things, but we haven't had sex in a week. After he told me he's not going to be my "coach", I wasn't really in to it. He's hung up on the fact that I can have a solo orgasm and not one with him, the size of his penis (naturally), whether he satisfies me and I'm so frustrated I could scream! And I'm pretty worried that the more frustrated I get, the worse the situation is going to get overall.

If anyone has any thoughts on positions to help with the wetness issues, stretching/improving flexibility (yoga's not cutting it), and maybe some meditation ideas (to keep me from knocking him upside the head), I'd really appreciate it. I'm not at all concerned about the orgasm issue... at least not mine.

Thank you, ladies, in advance, my head's been spinning!

lurkette · 07-09-2005, 02:18 PM

Sounds like you guys have some issues that are probably more psychological than physical. Wetness might be an issue in his not being able to orgasm, but if he's also worried about not being able to satisfy you, he's going to be distracted and frustrated. Blaming you for it is not nice, but it's an understandable response for someone who has fears that he's inadequate for you. From other stuff you've said - that you faked orgasms, and that he says he's not going to be your "coach" - it sounds like the main issue is communication. If either of you is not willing/able to articulate what you want, comfortably and openly, then it's just a very painful guessing game trying to figure out what feels good to the other person. I know people have a lot of expectations about sex - that the other person should be able to just intuitively satisfy you - but a lot of people also have very bad sex because of these expectations and assumptions.

Step one might be just masturbating with each other. Watch what the other person does, talk to them about how it feels, what they're doing. Join in when it feels comfortable. Also, it might be helpful to dissociate "sex" from "orgasm." Sometimes just being sensual is a pleasure, without the expectation that everyone has to get off. Try playing some games with each other that involve just touching and exploring.

And as for the wetness issue, it might be worth talking to a gyno about possible solutions.

Best of luck!

genuinegirly · 07-27-2005, 07:37 AM

Lurkette has some excellent advice there.

When I first read what you wrote, I remembered all too well my first experiences with sex. I thought "oh crud, this is bad. she needs to run away from this loser." But then I re-read it and I realized that you put the little disclaimer that he's not always this much of a jerk.

Communication is key. Keep talking about your needs, ask him about his... work on finding those little quirks that turn him on - like licking his ear or gently rubbing the small of his back. It's the little things that make the biggest difference. Most importantly, focus, both of you, on relaxing - and finding ways to relax one another. No one is going to orgasm if there is tension.

oh, and just as a heads up... be ready for him to walk out on you again.

lurkette · 07-27-2005, 09:00 AM

One of our astute male readers pointed out that you might find this thread helpful:

http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/showthread.php?t=86345

lokijeep · 07-27-2005, 09:17 AM

If you want a position where you'll be doing most of the work- grab a chair (one without arms might be better the first few times) and have him sit in it. You can ride him either facing him or not- but you'll be doing all the work.

la petite moi · 07-27-2005, 12:09 PM

Instead of your body/hand giving him pleasure, why don't you let him jack off on you? That's is pretty dang sexy.

lazygirl · 07-27-2005, 03:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lurkette

One of our astute male readers pointed out that you might find this thread helpful:

http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/showthread.php?t=86345

I am curious about this comment as I thought this is a ladies only forum?

la petite moi · 07-27-2005, 09:28 PM

lazygirl, men can still read the Ladies Forum. They just can't post in it. So, if they have some good advice, they ask a female to post it for them.

07-09-2005, 01:03 PM	#1 (permalink)
noodle Une petite chou Location: With All Your Base	I could really use some advice on this one. Okay, so i've searched the threads around these parts, trying to find some advice. I was able to find some similar threads, but not exact, and since they were older ones, thought I might start a new one. So forgive me, please, if I've bounced proper etiquette. Here's my situation... I was with my boyfriend for about eight months last year. He was my first and so far my only. I'm almost 29, by the way. And yeah, he nearly fell out, too. We had a satifying sex life for awhile and then due to multiple stressors in our lives, things kinda fell apart. So, he left in November. He started calling again in February and we came clean with quite a few issues. His main being that I was overweight, one of mine being that he'd never given me an orgasm and I faked it (I felt so guilty that I had to come clean). We kept talking and eventually met for lunch in April. Unbeknownst to him, I'd lost 45lbs (I needed that kick in the butt--I've lost 80lbs total in two years--but eww! extra skin!), gained back a LOT of my self-esteem and we ended up having hours of conversations on the phone about trying again. Enough history, sorry. We've been back together for about six weeks and starting last weekend he wasn't able to quite finish when we had sex. First, he just said "It isn't going to happen, you're just too wet". Didn't realize that was an issue, so I just kinda made sure I showered first, etc. Happened again with a BJ and then last Monday, I get "you've got to help me out here, it leaves me frustrated all day when you can't get me off". He's not always an insensitive bastard, I promise. But I'm looking for maybe a little advice... I'm not all that great at being on top (he's got a really wide pelvis), he complains that he's "doing all the work" (which I second, and feel bad about), and I'm still pretty new at this. The whole wetness thing I read about and I've tried a couple of those things, but we haven't had sex in a week. After he told me he's not going to be my "coach", I wasn't really in to it. He's hung up on the fact that I can have a solo orgasm and not one with him, the size of his penis (naturally), whether he satisfies me and I'm so frustrated I could scream! And I'm pretty worried that the more frustrated I get, the worse the situation is going to get overall. If anyone has any thoughts on positions to help with the wetness issues, stretching/improving flexibility (yoga's not cutting it), and maybe some meditation ideas (to keep me from knocking him upside the head), I'd really appreciate it. I'm not at all concerned about the orgasm issue... at least not mine. Thank you, ladies, in advance, my head's been spinning!

07-09-2005, 02:18 PM	#2 (permalink)
lurkette My future is coming on Moderator Emeritus Location: east of the sun and west of the moon	Sounds like you guys have some issues that are probably more psychological than physical. Wetness might be an issue in his not being able to orgasm, but if he's also worried about not being able to satisfy you, he's going to be distracted and frustrated. Blaming you for it is not nice, but it's an understandable response for someone who has fears that he's inadequate for you. From other stuff you've said - that you faked orgasms, and that he says he's not going to be your "coach" - it sounds like the main issue is communication. If either of you is not willing/able to articulate what you want, comfortably and openly, then it's just a very painful guessing game trying to figure out what feels good to the other person. I know people have a lot of expectations about sex - that the other person should be able to just intuitively satisfy you - but a lot of people also have very bad sex because of these expectations and assumptions. Step one might be just masturbating with each other. Watch what the other person does, talk to them about how it feels, what they're doing. Join in when it feels comfortable. Also, it might be helpful to dissociate "sex" from "orgasm." Sometimes just being sensual is a pleasure, without the expectation that everyone has to get off. Try playing some games with each other that involve just touching and exploring. And as for the wetness issue, it might be worth talking to a gyno about possible solutions. Best of luck! __________________ "If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing." - Anatole France

07-27-2005, 07:37 AM	#3 (permalink)
genuinegirly Eat your vegetables Super Moderator Location: Arabidopsis-ville	Lurkette has some excellent advice there. When I first read what you wrote, I remembered all too well my first experiences with sex. I thought "oh crud, this is bad. she needs to run away from this loser." But then I re-read it and I realized that you put the little disclaimer that he's not always this much of a jerk. Communication is key. Keep talking about your needs, ask him about his... work on finding those little quirks that turn him on - like licking his ear or gently rubbing the small of his back. It's the little things that make the biggest difference. Most importantly, focus, both of you, on relaxing - and finding ways to relax one another. No one is going to orgasm if there is tension. oh, and just as a heads up... be ready for him to walk out on you again. __________________ "Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq "violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy

07-27-2005, 09:00 AM	#4 (permalink)
lurkette My future is coming on Moderator Emeritus Location: east of the sun and west of the moon	One of our astute male readers pointed out that you might find this thread helpful: http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/showthread.php?t=86345 __________________ "If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing." - Anatole France

07-27-2005, 09:17 AM	#5 (permalink)
lokijeep Upright Location: Ontario, Canada	If you want a position where you'll be doing most of the work- grab a chair (one without arms might be better the first few times) and have him sit in it. You can ride him either facing him or not- but you'll be doing all the work. __________________ "It's better for me if you don't understand."

07-27-2005, 12:09 PM	#6 (permalink)
la petite moi Filling the Void. Location: California	Instead of your body/hand giving him pleasure, why don't you let him jack off on you? That's is pretty dang sexy.

07-27-2005, 09:28 PM	#8 (permalink)
la petite moi Filling the Void. Location: California	lazygirl, men can still read the Ladies Forum. They just can't post in it. So, if they have some good advice, they ask a female to post it for them.