Porn and How I feel... - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

BlueBongo · 03-16-2005, 07:30 PM

I suppose guys looking at porn is really nothing. But in the many years I've known my husband he has NEVER viewed as much as he does now. And it really makes me feel worse about myself. I know it's really that I have low self-esteem and am unhappy with myself, I also have had quite a few physical problems that would only get much worse because of sex. AND to top it off I am sort of turned off to sex because of all the junk I am still dealing with from my father molesting me when I was little.

I know these are MY problems and it's in MY head. He tells me that I'm attractive and that I'm gorgeous, and then spends a good deal of the day looking at nekkid women. I dunno, porn or erotic pictures have never bothered me before. I wasn't "snooping" but I was checking my email on his machine and the history brought up some websites similar to my email and I checked one out. The girl looked like a bowl of jello with a black dildo popping out in the middle, which is rude of me to say.. but seeing that just makes me feel more disgusting.

Am I just being obessesive or what? I dunno... I have been trying to make myself feel better by walking more and attempting to eat better when I can. I want to lose weight but with my physical issues and the problems with my hips I can only do so much for so long without being in a lot of pain. I do like sex, but I am just dealing with quite a bit and am at my wits end. I dunno.. I suppose I am just looking to see what other ladies have to say about this or can offer any advice because this only adds to this horrid depression schtuff I'm dealing with too.

Any advice??? Thanks!

Sage · 03-16-2005, 07:42 PM

wellllll....

Have you talked to him about it firstly? Because I know that there have been a few women on this forum who got really worked up about their SO's percieved attitudes towards porn, then when they talked with them they found out that it wasn't what it seemed. Men (most, and some women too) are visual people. They like to look, they get turned on by it. This doesn't mean they're wanting what they see, just that it's exciting to see it. Have you ever watched porn with him? I'm thinking not... to me people who watch porn together realize that it's not the porn he's wanting, it's the sexy lady beside of him. TALK TO HIM!!

Secondly, congrats on trying to eat better and work out, and I'm very very sorry to hear of your medical problems, especially with your hips. I have had hip issues in the past and pain in the hip joints is like seven bitches in a bitch boat- bitchy. Make sure you're talking to your doctor about the best way to keep healthy and rehabilitated while you're going through this.

Thirdly, are you on any medication? Some meds (ESPECIALLY HORMONAL BIRTH CONTROL!!!!) can mess you up mentally, and make you feel lower than normal (normal for a difficult situation I mean).This is something else to talk to your doctor about.

Finally, are you doing anything sexual at all? Do you and your husband masturbate together if you find intercourse painful? Are you having oral sex? Surely there's ways for you both to expierence mutual sexual pleasure without it hurting for you. Get a vibratior and have him use it on you, spend a long morning in bed just kissing and talking about how much you love each other, go out for a romantic evening (or order pizza and have a candlelit picnic on the living room floor). You need to reconnect with your husband- it seems that you think this is all in YOUR head, which some of it is, but it involves your husband too- and that means you BOTH are in this together! TALK TO HIM!!!! If you feel you can't, go to a marriage counselor- they will help with the self-esteem, the sex, and the childhood problems. Are you in thearapy? IT HELPS A TON! Also, look online for support groups of molested adults- finding people to talk with about that will help you recover.

Your husband is most likely looking at porn because he feels sexual a lot, and needs to release. TALK TO HIM and he'll probably tell you the same thing. Communication- it's a wonderful thing!

*Nikki* · 03-16-2005, 07:48 PM

As primitive as it seems.

Porn is there.
Men will look.

They are simple creatures and don't really quite think things out to the level we do. Which in my opinion is lucky for them!

The one question I would ask him is:

How would it make him feel if the tables were turned??

BlueBongo · 03-16-2005, 08:19 PM

Well, I spoe with him and we are both planning on going to Arizona this summer when our lease is up. But I want to get out their earlier for school and I really think I need some time on my own to sort of get myself together, if that makes sense. And then when our lease is up I'll come back out here and we'll move ourselves there and get our life together back on track... I know we will benefit from couples' counseling, but I think first I need to get myself out of this hole that I keep digging for myself.

I just feel more disgusted with myself, which I shouldn't, knowing some of the stuff that is looked at.

But I know we'll be okay. I just have to get myself in line.

maleficent · 03-16-2005, 08:27 PM

you have to do what's right for you.. If you aren't happy by yourself... you can't be happy with someone else... Don't forget that he loves you .

Porn is just pictures, it can't replace the real woman that you are...

Good luck -- and we're here if you wanna unload/unburden/or just shoot the breeze.

ngdawg · 03-16-2005, 08:59 PM

Please don't compare yourself to those phony, silicone-filled bimbos who wear more make-up than half of NYC put together!
Yes, you should do for yourself and deal with whatever issues you yourself have. If his looking at porn bothers you, tell him. Suffering in silence over anything does no one any good and festers over time and will contribute more negativity to your health.
He may just be passing time-I watch some for that reason(Ithink it's pretty damn funny, actually), but it bothers you, so say something.

minyn · 03-16-2005, 09:58 PM

ng makes a good point. bongo, remember, youre real and porn cant be the what helps him through the ups and downs of life, and if it does, then there is a problem. but you arent alone in that feeling. i can only look at porn myself in limited amounts cuz i feel shitty quickly and ive mostly resorted to not looking through my SO's collection for the same reason (cuz yea, that nagging feeling of "is he comparing them to me?" lingers in my head).

but yea, it comes down to the first and most important priority is "Love yourself" from there, things can change and get better.

do what you need to for yourself, and find the support necessary and i bet it will come from him (or at least im hoping!) good luck!

ironmaiden7o7 · 03-16-2005, 10:05 PM

I am sorry to hear about your childhood, I hate to hear about this, it makes me sick. Please hang in there. I don't even know where to start, and I am hoping that you get better, not only physically, but also mentally. Please remember that men will watch porn whether you want them to or not. It's what they do, it's a part of them, it's their curiousity. He isn't watching it because he feels those women are more attractive, but because he is using it as a way of satisfying himself since you're currently turned off by the whole ordeal. My best advice to you would be to seek help, especialy with that childhood issue, nothing will go right until you are content inside. Until you feel totally strong and loved within, you won't be able to cope with this. Professional help does work, perhaps a doctor can prescribe something for you while in the process which does it a lot also. And then you are try speaking to your husband about this. But please, don't be too harsh on him, it's a part of him, he isn't looking at these women's faces, he's looking for an escape, a way to turn himself on. Explain to him that this is affecting you, communicate with him, he is your husband, I am sure he will understand. And before I leave you, I want you to know that you can do this. Stay strong and remember that happiness comes from within, you have to make you happy, not your husband, not anyone else, just you. Take care.

sillygirl · 03-16-2005, 10:41 PM

It sounds to me that you want to escape from the problem by coming here without him instead of facing the problem and opening up to him. He married you. That means he loves you. Does he know that the porn is bothering you this much? He's not just with you for sex, he's with you for it ALL, girl. Communicate with him how you feel, what your thoughts are, but remember to LISTEN TO HIS also. The whole communication barrier used to be a huge problem for me, after some practice, it's gotten easier. Separating yourself from him rings warning bells for me, because when I was feeling shitty in my marriage that's what I did. And we got divorced. (not because of sex, but because he was a real true-blue asshole when I DID try the whole communication thing). ANYWAY, I digress. Talk to him.

Bunnybear · 03-17-2005, 01:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by *Nikki*

As primitive as it seems.

Porn is there.
Men will look.

They are simple creatures and don't really quite think things out to the level we do. Which in my opinion is lucky for them!

The one question I would ask him is:

How would it make him feel if the tables were turned??

That's how I got my boyfriend to stop.
First of all, my reasoning behind it has to do with respect. I find porn disrespectful to women. We're not toys. But anyhow, him looking at it makes me feel like trash, not because of how the women look, but because of what theyre doing and that fact that he likes it.

I have told him how I felt, and asked him how he would feel if I started looking at porn to get off. He hasn't looked at porn since. I didn't even ask him to stop, he just done it.

sillygirl · 03-17-2005, 08:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bunnybear

I have told him how I felt, and asked him how he would feel if I started looking at porn to get off. He hasn't looked at porn since. I didn't even ask him to stop, he just done it.

The whole communication thing with that worked for me too. He understood that I was REALLY uncomfortable, mostly with accidentally finding it when I was looking for pics of us, etc, and that it really freaked me out and bothered me. (Mostly the same reasons as you, Bunny).

It's gotten to the point now where it doesn't bother me so much, I'm a little more comfortable with it, and I'd be willing to watch it with him if that's what he wanted.

ironmaiden7o7 · 03-17-2005, 09:58 AM

You ladies have to understand that porn is there, men will watch it. You shouldn't try to change them. These women are fake, men watch them when they can't seem to have their way with us, that doesn't mean that they like them more, or that they admire them, they're men, it's what they do. It's all about being comfortable with yourself, and trying to get a man to stop watching porn is like telling a women she shouldn't buy shoes anymore. Now, if these men were watching porn instead of being with you, then that would be a serious problem. But since they're just using it as an alternative, just give them a break.

KinkyKiwi · 03-17-2005, 10:14 AM

nikki says it most simply

hope you guys work it out and you feel better

sillygirl · 03-17-2005, 11:03 AM

you know, some of you basically seem to be saying, "So what if it makes you feel uncomfortable, etc. He's gonna watch it anyway, so learn to deal". That's not how it needs to be. If when you're in a relationship you can't even communicate with the other person how you feel and reach something that works for both of you, what's the point of that relationship?

BlueBongo · 03-17-2005, 12:25 PM

Well I did get the chance to discuss this a bit with him and I do understand what he is going through and I know he is understanding of what I am going through. I don't really see moving out to Phx a couple months earlier as running away, I see it as taking care of myself. I really need to spend a bit of time to myself and start getting my self-confidence back. I've always believed that I can't really take care of anyone else if I can't take care of myself. Richmond has turned both of us into many of the things we have never wanted to be, unfortunately our lease is not up until July 31st and we'd like to get our $600+ security deposit back.
All in all, I am feeling much better. I don't mind the porn habits as I am very much into ertoic photography myself, but we both have different reasons for viewing and/or taking them. The thing that bothered me was that these girls, in my opinion, weren't really attractive and that sort of made me feel slightly gross. But I haven't been receptive to his advances lately because of my physical problems as well as my lack of self-confidence, motivation, and random stuff n' junk from my past. But I know it will get better. I just need to improve myself and I think being more positive will help us both.

But I appreciate all of the advice. Thank you very much!

abaya · 03-17-2005, 02:29 PM

(This is more in response to everyone else's statements on guys and porn, not so much in response to the OP... but maybe it will be relevant.)

I guess I'm wondering, is it really fair to expect men to stop looking at porn? Should we make them feel bad about looking at it, or only in certain circumstances? Shouldn't we then feel bad about using vibrators? Bunny, you said that you feel porn is degrading to women... however, what if a woman enjoys watching porn, too? (I do, in some ways.) Does that mean that I degrade women? (not trying to sound harsh here, just wondering if it's fair to hold a double standard and make men feel guilty). My boyfriend doesn't mind if I look at porn, as he trusts that I am not replacing him... and he expects the same tolerance from me.

But I'm confused on the topic, because while it has taken me some time to be more open to porn, I find that I can't be TOO open to it or it starts to corrupt my view of my boyfriend. And yes, it's hard to not believe that he isn't affected the same way... but then again, he only watches it when I'm not able to be there with him, and he says he can't masturbate without it. So in one sense I don't think it's fair to have unhealthy expectations of what men "should" do with their porn... as long as they are loving you most and first, and not cheating on you, then is porn anything more than a tool for release? I would be upset if my boyfriend got jealous of my vibrator, so why should I expect him to give up the porn? (just some questions for discussion, I have no answers!)

*Nikki* · 03-17-2005, 04:31 PM

The only time I have noticed that my man seems uncomfortable is when I look a woman only porn. This however, is what I look at 95% of the time because looking at naked men is just not really that satisfying to me at all. If he did ask me to stop looking I would have to seriously do that, when he was around. Otherwise I would continue to look and I would let him know that I would only do it when he was not present. I guess his issue would be the same as most women here.

If you feel secure about yourself and your relationship with your partner, then porn should not even be an issue. However, if at any point and time, one person starts preferring porn over the REAL PERSON in the relationship......Then and only then is it an issue.

Bunnybear · 03-18-2005, 06:18 AM

I feel that porn is degrading to women, I don't feel the viewer is degrading women by looking. I'm uncomfortable with the whole thing.. it makes me feel disgusting. My boyfriend doesn't like that I masturbate with anything but my hands because it makes him feel uncomfortable... like he has to compete with it. In my case, it was an old teddy bear with a really hard nose.

He told me he was uncomfortable with it and I have since not touched it. He can masturbate without porn, he's done it, so he can do it now. I'm not asking him not to masturbate, I would never ever do that. I'm just asking him not to look, cause I will find it (we share a comp.. come on).
He feels the same way I do if I were to look at porn, I won't look at it because he dislikes it. Even though he's at work now and won't ever know if I were to, I still won't... it's just wrong to betray him.

I know alot of the girls here love to watch porn alone/together with SO etc.. that's fine. I honestly wish I was that comfortable with it, then I wouldn't worry about it so much and actually enjoy it or something... but the way I feel about it has always been the same... I was never a porn watcher for this reason.

03-16-2005, 07:42 PM	#2 (permalink)
Sage hoarding all the big girl panties since 2005 Location: North side	wellllll.... Have you talked to him about it firstly? Because I know that there have been a few women on this forum who got really worked up about their SO's percieved attitudes towards porn, then when they talked with them they found out that it wasn't what it seemed. Men (most, and some women too) are visual people. They like to look, they get turned on by it. This doesn't mean they're wanting what they see, just that it's exciting to see it. Have you ever watched porn with him? I'm thinking not... to me people who watch porn together realize that it's not the porn he's wanting, it's the sexy lady beside of him. TALK TO HIM!! Secondly, congrats on trying to eat better and work out, and I'm very very sorry to hear of your medical problems, especially with your hips. I have had hip issues in the past and pain in the hip joints is like seven bitches in a bitch boat- bitchy. Make sure you're talking to your doctor about the best way to keep healthy and rehabilitated while you're going through this. Thirdly, are you on any medication? Some meds (ESPECIALLY HORMONAL BIRTH CONTROL!!!!) can mess you up mentally, and make you feel lower than normal (normal for a difficult situation I mean).This is something else to talk to your doctor about. Finally, are you doing anything sexual at all? Do you and your husband masturbate together if you find intercourse painful? Are you having oral sex? Surely there's ways for you both to expierence mutual sexual pleasure without it hurting for you. Get a vibratior and have him use it on you, spend a long morning in bed just kissing and talking about how much you love each other, go out for a romantic evening (or order pizza and have a candlelit picnic on the living room floor). You need to reconnect with your husband- it seems that you think this is all in YOUR head, which some of it is, but it involves your husband too- and that means you BOTH are in this together! TALK TO HIM!!!! If you feel you can't, go to a marriage counselor- they will help with the self-esteem, the sex, and the childhood problems. Are you in thearapy? IT HELPS A TON! Also, look online for support groups of molested adults- finding people to talk with about that will help you recover. Your husband is most likely looking at porn because he feels sexual a lot, and needs to release. TALK TO HIM and he'll probably tell you the same thing. Communication- it's a wonderful thing! __________________ Sage knows our mythic history, King Arthur's and Sir Caradoc's She answers hard acrostics, has a pretty taste for paradox She quotes in elegiacs all the crimes of Heliogabalus In conics she can floor peculiarities parabolous -C'hi

03-16-2005, 08:27 PM	#5 (permalink)
maleficent Junkie Moderator Emeritus Location: Chicago	you have to do what's right for you.. If you aren't happy by yourself... you can't be happy with someone else... Don't forget that he loves you . Porn is just pictures, it can't replace the real woman that you are... Good luck -- and we're here if you wanna unload/unburden/or just shoot the breeze. __________________ Free your heart from hatred. Free your mind from worries. Live simply. Give more. Expect less.

03-16-2005, 09:58 PM	#7 (permalink)
minyn young and in bloom Location: under the bodhi tree.... bling	ng makes a good point. bongo, remember, youre real and porn cant be the what helps him through the ups and downs of life, and if it does, then there is a problem. but you arent alone in that feeling. i can only look at porn myself in limited amounts cuz i feel shitty quickly and ive mostly resorted to not looking through my SO's collection for the same reason (cuz yea, that nagging feeling of "is he comparing them to me?" lingers in my head). but yea, it comes down to the first and most important priority is "Love yourself" from there, things can change and get better. do what you need to for yourself, and find the support necessary and i bet it will come from him (or at least im hoping!) good luck! __________________ "Woke up this morning with a blue moon in my eye" ~A3 "woke up this morning" "Don't compromise yourself, you're all you've got." -Janis Joplin

03-16-2005, 10:41 PM	#9 (permalink)
sillygirl Newlywed Location: at home	It sounds to me that you want to escape from the problem by coming here without him instead of facing the problem and opening up to him. He married you. That means he loves you. Does he know that the porn is bothering you this much? He's not just with you for sex, he's with you for it ALL, girl. Communicate with him how you feel, what your thoughts are, but remember to LISTEN TO HIS also. The whole communication barrier used to be a huge problem for me, after some practice, it's gotten easier. Separating yourself from him rings warning bells for me, because when I was feeling shitty in my marriage that's what I did. And we got divorced. (not because of sex, but because he was a real true-blue asshole when I DID try the whole communication thing). ANYWAY, I digress. Talk to him. __________________ Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly-Rose Franken ....absence makes me miss him more...

03-17-2005, 10:14 AM	#13 (permalink)
KinkyKiwi "Without the fuzz" Location: ..too close for comfort..	nikki says it most simply hope you guys work it out and you feel better __________________ Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. Play with each other. Play with yourselves. Just don't play with the squirrels, they bite.

03-16-2005, 07:48 PM	#3 (permalink)
Nikki ~~~~~~~ Location: Charleston, SC	As primitive as it seems. Porn is there. Men will look. They are simple creatures and don't really quite think things out to the level we do. Which in my opinion is lucky for them! The one question I would ask him is: How would it make him feel if the tables were turned??

03-16-2005, 08:59 PM	#6 (permalink)
ngdawg peekaboo Location: on the back, bitch	Please don't compare yourself to those phony, silicone-filled bimbos who wear more make-up than half of NYC put together! Yes, you should do for yourself and deal with whatever issues you yourself have. If his looking at porn bothers you, tell him. Suffering in silence over anything does no one any good and festers over time and will contribute more negativity to your health. He may just be passing time-I watch some for that reason(Ithink it's pretty damn funny, actually), but it bothers you, so say something.

03-16-2005, 10:05 PM	#8 (permalink)
ironmaiden7o7 Insane Location: NYC	I am sorry to hear about your childhood, I hate to hear about this, it makes me sick. Please hang in there. I don't even know where to start, and I am hoping that you get better, not only physically, but also mentally. Please remember that men will watch porn whether you want them to or not. It's what they do, it's a part of them, it's their curiousity. He isn't watching it because he feels those women are more attractive, but because he is using it as a way of satisfying himself since you're currently turned off by the whole ordeal. My best advice to you would be to seek help, especialy with that childhood issue, nothing will go right until you are content inside. Until you feel totally strong and loved within, you won't be able to cope with this. Professional help does work, perhaps a doctor can prescribe something for you while in the process which does it a lot also. And then you are try speaking to your husband about this. But please, don't be too harsh on him, it's a part of him, he isn't looking at these women's faces, he's looking for an escape, a way to turn himself on. Explain to him that this is affecting you, communicate with him, he is your husband, I am sure he will understand. And before I leave you, I want you to know that you can do this. Stay strong and remember that happiness comes from within, you have to make you happy, not your husband, not anyone else, just you. Take care.

03-17-2005, 09:58 AM	#12 (permalink)
ironmaiden7o7 Insane Location: NYC	You ladies have to understand that porn is there, men will watch it. You shouldn't try to change them. These women are fake, men watch them when they can't seem to have their way with us, that doesn't mean that they like them more, or that they admire them, they're men, it's what they do. It's all about being comfortable with yourself, and trying to get a man to stop watching porn is like telling a women she shouldn't buy shoes anymore. Now, if these men were watching porn instead of being with you, then that would be a serious problem. But since they're just using it as an alternative, just give them a break.

03-17-2005, 11:03 AM	#14 (permalink)
sillygirl Newlywed Location: at home	you know, some of you basically seem to be saying, "So what if it makes you feel uncomfortable, etc. He's gonna watch it anyway, so learn to deal". That's not how it needs to be. If when you're in a relationship you can't even communicate with the other person how you feel and reach something that works for both of you, what's the point of that relationship? __________________ Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly-Rose Franken ....absence makes me miss him more...

03-17-2005, 02:29 PM	#16 (permalink)
abaya Location: Iceland	(This is more in response to everyone else's statements on guys and porn, not so much in response to the OP... but maybe it will be relevant.) I guess I'm wondering, is it really fair to expect men to stop looking at porn? Should we make them feel bad about looking at it, or only in certain circumstances? Shouldn't we then feel bad about using vibrators? Bunny, you said that you feel porn is degrading to women... however, what if a woman enjoys watching porn, too? (I do, in some ways.) Does that mean that I degrade women? (not trying to sound harsh here, just wondering if it's fair to hold a double standard and make men feel guilty). My boyfriend doesn't mind if I look at porn, as he trusts that I am not replacing him... and he expects the same tolerance from me. But I'm confused on the topic, because while it has taken me some time to be more open to porn, I find that I can't be TOO open to it or it starts to corrupt my view of my boyfriend. And yes, it's hard to not believe that he isn't affected the same way... but then again, he only watches it when I'm not able to be there with him, and he says he can't masturbate without it. So in one sense I don't think it's fair to have unhealthy expectations of what men "should" do with their porn... as long as they are loving you most and first, and not cheating on you, then is porn anything more than a tool for release? I would be upset if my boyfriend got jealous of my vibrator, so why should I expect him to give up the porn? (just some questions for discussion, I have no answers!) __________________ And think not you can direct the course of Love; for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course. --Khalil Gibran

03-17-2005, 04:31 PM	#17 (permalink)
Nikki ~~~~~~~ Location: Charleston, SC	The only time I have noticed that my man seems uncomfortable is when I look a woman only porn. This however, is what I look at 95% of the time because looking at naked men is just not really that satisfying to me at all. If he did ask me to stop looking I would have to seriously do that, when he was around. Otherwise I would continue to look and I would let him know that I would only do it when he was not present. I guess his issue would be the same as most women here. If you feel secure about yourself and your relationship with your partner, then porn should not even be an issue. However, if at any point and time, one person starts preferring porn over the REAL PERSON in the relationship......Then and only then is it an issue.

03-18-2005, 06:18 AM	#18 (permalink)
Bunnybear Upright Location: UK	I feel that porn is degrading to women, I don't feel the viewer is degrading women by looking. I'm uncomfortable with the whole thing.. it makes me feel disgusting. My boyfriend doesn't like that I masturbate with anything but my hands because it makes him feel uncomfortable... like he has to compete with it. In my case, it was an old teddy bear with a really hard nose. He told me he was uncomfortable with it and I have since not touched it. He can masturbate without porn, he's done it, so he can do it now. I'm not asking him not to masturbate, I would never ever do that. I'm just asking him not to look, cause I will find it (we share a comp.. come on). He feels the same way I do if I were to look at porn, I won't look at it because he dislikes it. Even though he's at work now and won't ever know if I were to, I still won't... it's just wrong to betray him. I know alot of the girls here love to watch porn alone/together with SO etc.. that's fine. I honestly wish I was that comfortable with it, then I wouldn't worry about it so much and actually enjoy it or something... but the way I feel about it has always been the same... I was never a porn watcher for this reason.