relationship advice (cliche, i know) - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Dixie · 03-23-2004, 04:32 PM

hey guys,
this is sort of a shot in the dark, but there are so many intelligent women on tfp who most assuredly will have good advice for me, so here goes (sorry if this is a little lengthy, it's a complex story, bare with me).
okay. about three years ago, when i was 16, i started dating a guy i went to church with and had known casually for about 6 years. his name is miles, btw. everything was awesome for about the first 6 months, i lost my virginity to him, etc. he was never overly affectionate, but it was always clear that he loved me, but after the first 6 months it was like he grew out of that. he still loved me, but he didn't show it as much. he became really inconsiderate, sometimes detached, and he often seemed to take me for granted. we stayed together for almost two years and during that time i became sort of bitter toward him and started snapping at him constantly and threatening to break up with him and just generally being a bitch, but i loved him too much to leave him. he broke up with me about a year ago right before he was to leave for boot camp for 6 weeks (he's in the air national guard). i was really upset, i still loved him, but i was also resentful of him, so i started dating someone else while he was gone and we ended up sleeping together. it was a mistake and i knew i would regret it because i thought miles and i might get back together and i didn't want to have slept with anyone else, but i was hurt that he had bailed on me when things got bad instead of trying to fix them. when miles came back from boot camp it was like he realized how much he had missed me and he wanted to get back together, but then he found out that i had slept with someone else and he didn't talk to me for 2 months. finally, we started talking again. i was still in love with him, but he was so hurt and defensive after what i did that he just wanted to be friends and he wouldn't let me get close to him. eventually, after about 3 months, we started sleeping together again and i wanted to get back together with him, but it was like he was haunted by how bad things were for us before and he wouldn't consent to it. then, about 3 months ago, he left for more military training in georgia. he'll be there until the beginning of july. we talk on the phone atleast 2 nights a week and he can come up here on the weekends. anyway, a week ago he told me that he wanted to try again if that's what i wanted and i ofcourse said yes as i have spent the last year pining for him. so, we're back together. he came up this past weekend and spent the night with me and i guess this is where i need some advice. it's been so long since we were together that there really isn't anything between us anymore. we both want there to be, but it's like the "magic" or whatever is gone. i was really disappointed. the sex was bad and we didn't share any tender moments or anything. i just felt nervous, like i was with a complete stranger. but then, when he left on sunday, i was really depressed and i missed him even though i hadn't had a very good time with him. i know i still love him and i think he still loves me, but if we don't actively try to make this work, it definitely won't and it will end fast. i dated several other people while we were apart and they always came up short. i don't want to be with anyone else, he is the only person i can see myself marrying, but this sucks. any suggestions? thanks for your patience, ladies.

StormBerlin · 03-23-2004, 08:14 PM

I can say I know how you feel. Chewy and I went through a little rough patch right before we moved up here. I had broken up with him because he wasn't planning on moving up with me. After a while, he came to his senses (hehe) and we decided to get back together. Well, during that time apart, I slept with two guys (a really big mistake) so when we got back together it was kinda akward (he also slept with a couple girls while we were apart). It took a couple weeks for those feelings to come back. But they eventually did, and now we're planning on getting married.

I know it may be tough, but give it a shot for a couple weeks and see where it goes. Maybe you should start from scratch. Make him want to win you over again, and don't just jump into the sex.
Go out on dates just like when you first met and you'll figure out soon enough whether you want to be with him or not.

Dixie · 03-23-2004, 08:19 PM

thanks, storm, that's just what i needed to hear.

StormBerlin · 03-23-2004, 08:21 PM

No problem, glad I could help

03-23-2004, 04:32 PM	#1 (permalink)
Dixie Psycho Location: the land of cotton	relationship advice (cliche, i know) hey guys, this is sort of a shot in the dark, but there are so many intelligent women on tfp who most assuredly will have good advice for me, so here goes (sorry if this is a little lengthy, it's a complex story, bare with me). okay. about three years ago, when i was 16, i started dating a guy i went to church with and had known casually for about 6 years. his name is miles, btw. everything was awesome for about the first 6 months, i lost my virginity to him, etc. he was never overly affectionate, but it was always clear that he loved me, but after the first 6 months it was like he grew out of that. he still loved me, but he didn't show it as much. he became really inconsiderate, sometimes detached, and he often seemed to take me for granted. we stayed together for almost two years and during that time i became sort of bitter toward him and started snapping at him constantly and threatening to break up with him and just generally being a bitch, but i loved him too much to leave him. he broke up with me about a year ago right before he was to leave for boot camp for 6 weeks (he's in the air national guard). i was really upset, i still loved him, but i was also resentful of him, so i started dating someone else while he was gone and we ended up sleeping together. it was a mistake and i knew i would regret it because i thought miles and i might get back together and i didn't want to have slept with anyone else, but i was hurt that he had bailed on me when things got bad instead of trying to fix them. when miles came back from boot camp it was like he realized how much he had missed me and he wanted to get back together, but then he found out that i had slept with someone else and he didn't talk to me for 2 months. finally, we started talking again. i was still in love with him, but he was so hurt and defensive after what i did that he just wanted to be friends and he wouldn't let me get close to him. eventually, after about 3 months, we started sleeping together again and i wanted to get back together with him, but it was like he was haunted by how bad things were for us before and he wouldn't consent to it. then, about 3 months ago, he left for more military training in georgia. he'll be there until the beginning of july. we talk on the phone atleast 2 nights a week and he can come up here on the weekends. anyway, a week ago he told me that he wanted to try again if that's what i wanted and i ofcourse said yes as i have spent the last year pining for him. so, we're back together. he came up this past weekend and spent the night with me and i guess this is where i need some advice. it's been so long since we were together that there really isn't anything between us anymore. we both want there to be, but it's like the "magic" or whatever is gone. i was really disappointed. the sex was bad and we didn't share any tender moments or anything. i just felt nervous, like i was with a complete stranger. but then, when he left on sunday, i was really depressed and i missed him even though i hadn't had a very good time with him. i know i still love him and i think he still loves me, but if we don't actively try to make this work, it definitely won't and it will end fast. i dated several other people while we were apart and they always came up short. i don't want to be with anyone else, he is the only person i can see myself marrying, but this sucks. any suggestions? thanks for your patience, ladies. __________________ talk is cheap, so i buy every word you said. scared me half to death, now i'm half dead.

03-23-2004, 08:14 PM	#2 (permalink)
StormBerlin Happy as a hippo Location: Southern California	I can say I know how you feel. Chewy and I went through a little rough patch right before we moved up here. I had broken up with him because he wasn't planning on moving up with me. After a while, he came to his senses (hehe) and we decided to get back together. Well, during that time apart, I slept with two guys (a really big mistake) so when we got back together it was kinda akward (he also slept with a couple girls while we were apart). It took a couple weeks for those feelings to come back. But they eventually did, and now we're planning on getting married. I know it may be tough, but give it a shot for a couple weeks and see where it goes. Maybe you should start from scratch. Make him want to win you over again, and don't just jump into the sex. Go out on dates just like when you first met and you'll figure out soon enough whether you want to be with him or not. __________________ "if anal sex could get a girl pregnant i'd be tits deep in child support" Arcane

03-23-2004, 08:19 PM	#3 (permalink)
Dixie Psycho Location: the land of cotton	thanks, storm, that's just what i needed to hear. __________________ talk is cheap, so i buy every word you said. scared me half to death, now i'm half dead.

03-23-2004, 08:21 PM	#4 (permalink)
StormBerlin Happy as a hippo Location: Southern California	No problem, glad I could help __________________ "if anal sex could get a girl pregnant i'd be tits deep in child support" Arcane