Mistakes Men Make - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

ktthequeen · 12-27-2003, 02:55 PM

Taken from http://www.evilgoddess.com/men.html

Mistakes Men Make When Men Have Sex with Women

1) NOT KISSING FIRST.
Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A proper passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.

2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR.
Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a
difference between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to
extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.

3) NOT SHAVING.
You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it's not passion, it's avoidance.

4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST.
Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them.

5) BITING HER NIPPLES.
Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they're a doggie toy isn't.

6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES.
Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.

7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY.
A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you've ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention.

8) GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED.
Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.

9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT.
Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it.

10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS.
Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along side of the clitoris.

11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK.
Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she's not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.

12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY.
Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy.

13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY.
Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.

14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA.
Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still
believe that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you're trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you're not careful, it can hurt - so don't get carried away. It's best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.

15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY.
You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.

16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY.
Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons.

17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST.
A man in socks and underpants is at his worst. Lose the socks first.

18) GOING TOO FAST.
When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool - she'll soon feel like an assembly line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts.

19) GOING TOO HARD.
If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.

20) COMING TOO SOON.
Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.

21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH.
It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you're playing Marathon Man.

22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME.
You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really don't know, don't ask

23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY.
Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth
down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris.

24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN.
Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her.

25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX.
Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do what's necessary.

26) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO.
Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie
there. And don't grab her head.

27) TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES.
In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In real life, it just means more laundry to do.

28) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES.
Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn't feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.

29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow
directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first. And don't think that being drunk is an excuse.

30) TAKING PICTURES.
When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she'll hear the
words"__to show my buddies." At least let her have custody of them.

31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH.
Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.

32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS.
There is no less erotic noise. It's as sexy as a belching contest.

33) ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES.
If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a
Romanian gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.

34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE.
Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they have a prostate. Women don't.

35) GIVING LOVE BITES.
It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the
neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.

36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS.
Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It's not a big turn-on.

37) TALKING DIRTY.
It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900line. If she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know

38) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES.
You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you.

39) SQUASHING HER.
Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.

40) THANKING HER.
Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen.

Heh.

la petite moi · 12-27-2003, 06:07 PM

Well, some of these are sorta messed up, and untrue in my case...but hey, that was funny!!

galaxygirl · 12-28-2003, 06:47 PM

hmmm, I like the occassional bit of anal stimulation. One good thing about getting to my age, most men have had enough experience to figure this stuff out by now. And one of the many wonderful things about Sir is that he always gets it right.

InTeGrA77 · 12-28-2003, 06:48 PM

can you imagine if 1-40 all happened in one night...?!?

sillygirl · 12-28-2003, 06:53 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by InTeGrA77
can you imagine if 1-40 all happened in one night...?!?

Eek. That would be BAD. VERY VERY BAD! Then again, I don't have patience that would last that long.

My ex had a problem with #29. I am not into anal sex at all. It always made me wonder about him, actually....

and now we've all decided that he's gay.

Averett · 12-28-2003, 07:15 PM

That cracked me up!

The stomach slapping one... God, that always cracks me up. When you get all sweaty and sorta create a natural suction with your bodies.. and start mackin suction noises... I always laugh! Last time I was with a guy (a long long time ago in a land far far away

) this happened, and I just started laughing. Luckly he did too. Made things more fun

uptown · 12-28-2003, 08:02 PM

The one about the guy thanking you for sex cracked me up.. that is soo true.Lol,the poor things,it would seem that guys who do that have had the misfortune of being with women who either didn't really like sex or who used it as a some sort of weapon or bargaining chip.

Minx · 12-29-2003, 08:41 AM

I've read these before but they are always good for a chuckle! And unfortunately too many men need to read this list!!

la petite moi · 12-29-2003, 10:19 AM

I'll have to reply again-

In the general words of both my lover and me: It's all miscommunication. It takes two to understand what a girl wants.

txlovely · 12-29-2003, 01:40 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Minx
I've read these before but they are always good for a chuckle! And unfortunately too many men need to read this list!!

Should be required reading for them all - sadly, too many of these are "on target" so to speak...

Communication is great in theory, but unfortunately women expect men to do the communicating and/or read our minds. We know deep down they can't on either count, but we always hold out hope!

Minx · 12-29-2003, 02:12 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by la petite moi
I'll have to reply again-

In the general words of both my lover and me: It's all miscommunication. It takes two to understand what a girl wants.

We all know that! This is meant to be a joke, don't ya know!

la petite moi · 12-29-2003, 08:28 PM

Well, I was mostly replying to those who were saying 'too many men need to read this.'

shannon · 12-30-2003, 02:02 PM

this list makes me feel like i must have lucked out with my SO

Ladyhawke · 01-01-2004, 08:34 AM

Face it, Men don't know a thing about pleasing a woman unless we help them.....Do what I did. had my girlfriend teach my hubby how to please me....You talk about some fun learning sessons....yooohoo ^_^

wannabenakid247 · 01-02-2004, 05:49 AM

Thats the funniest thing i've read in ages!

raeanna74 · 01-02-2004, 10:22 AM

That was pretty good. Fun to read. Thanks.

Covered a lot of areas. Basically - Communicate and she'll tell ya what she likes and doesn't like. I should get a certain somone to read this. Then they'll know it's not just me saying it. He he

Most of it isn't a big problem for me. Most men seem to have it straight. All they have to do is listen and care how the woman feels. They will always get well rewarded.

lisa · 01-09-2004, 01:49 AM

Quote:

13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY.
Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.
29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.And don't think that being drunk is an excuse.

LOL! very funny!

This really should be in the sexuality-forum so all guys can learn from their mistakes!

Nancy · 01-09-2004, 12:39 PM

hmmm don't forget all the mistakes that women tend to make during sex!!!! Men are not mindreaders ok, so how are they suppose to know EXACTLY what each woman like? A perfect sexual relationship comes after hours of talking and exchanging Do's and Dont's between couples...

12-27-2003, 02:55 PM	#1 (permalink)
ktthequeen Insane Location: Earth	Mistakes Men Make Taken from http://www.evilgoddess.com/men.html Mistakes Men Make When Men Have Sex with Women 1) NOT KISSING FIRST. Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A proper passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay. 2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR. Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts. 3) NOT SHAVING. You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it's not passion, it's avoidance. 4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST. Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them. 5) BITING HER NIPPLES. Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they're a doggie toy isn't. 6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES. Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points. 7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY. A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you've ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention. 8) GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED. Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off. 9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT. Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it. 10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS. Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along side of the clitoris. 11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK. Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she's not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not. 12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY. Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy. 13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY. Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not. 14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA. Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you're trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you're not careful, it can hurt - so don't get carried away. It's best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it. 15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY. You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not. 16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY. Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons. 17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST. A man in socks and underpants is at his worst. Lose the socks first. 18) GOING TOO FAST. When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool - she'll soon feel like an assembly line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts. 19) GOING TOO HARD. If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds. 20) COMING TOO SOON. Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too. 21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH. It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you're playing Marathon Man. 22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME. You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really don't know, don't ask 23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY. Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris. 24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN. Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her. 25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX. Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do what's necessary. 26) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO. Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie there. And don't grab her head. 27) TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES. In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In real life, it just means more laundry to do. 28) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES. Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn't feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest. 29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first. And don't think that being drunk is an excuse. 30) TAKING PICTURES. When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she'll hear the words"__to show my buddies." At least let her have custody of them. 31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH. Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no. 32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS. There is no less erotic noise. It's as sexy as a belching contest. 33) ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES. If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings. 34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE. Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they have a prostate. Women don't. 35) GIVING LOVE BITES. It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end. 36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS. Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It's not a big turn-on. 37) TALKING DIRTY. It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900line. If she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know 38) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES. You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you. 39) SQUASHING HER. Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue. 40) THANKING HER. Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen. Heh. Last edited by ktthequeen; 12-27-2003 at 02:58 PM..

12-28-2003, 06:47 PM	#3 (permalink)
galaxygirl Insane Location: NH	hmmm, I like the occassional bit of anal stimulation. One good thing about getting to my age, most men have had enough experience to figure this stuff out by now. And one of the many wonderful things about Sir is that he always gets it right. __________________ Drawing strength from His acceptance, offering all that I am and ever will be

12-28-2003, 06:48 PM	#4 (permalink)
InTeGrA77 Psycho Location: the tangent universe	can you imagine if 1-40 all happened in one night...?!? __________________ 28 days...6 hours...42 minutes...12 seconds...

12-28-2003, 07:15 PM	#6 (permalink)
Averett Is In Love Location: I'm workin' on it	That cracked me up! The stomach slapping one... God, that always cracks me up. When you get all sweaty and sorta create a natural suction with your bodies.. and start mackin suction noises... I always laugh! Last time I was with a guy (a long long time ago in a land far far away ) this happened, and I just started laughing. Luckly he did too. Made things more fun __________________ Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small, it enkindles the great.

12-29-2003, 08:41 AM	#8 (permalink)
Minx Junkie Location: Up yonder	I've read these before but they are always good for a chuckle! And unfortunately too many men need to read this list!! __________________ You've been a naughty boy....go to my room!

12-27-2003, 06:07 PM	#2 (permalink)
la petite moi Filling the Void. Location: California	Well, some of these are sorta messed up, and untrue in my case...but hey, that was funny!!

12-28-2003, 08:02 PM	#7 (permalink)
uptown Insane	The one about the guy thanking you for sex cracked me up.. that is soo true.Lol,the poor things,it would seem that guys who do that have had the misfortune of being with women who either didn't really like sex or who used it as a some sort of weapon or bargaining chip.

12-29-2003, 10:19 AM	#9 (permalink)
la petite moi Filling the Void. Location: California	I'll have to reply again- In the general words of both my lover and me: It's all miscommunication. It takes two to understand what a girl wants.

12-29-2003, 08:28 PM	#12 (permalink)
la petite moi Filling the Void. Location: California	Well, I was mostly replying to those who were saying 'too many men need to read this.'

12-30-2003, 02:02 PM	#13 (permalink)
shannon Psycho Location: Canada	this list makes me feel like i must have lucked out with my SO __________________ "When I look down I just miss all the good stuff. And when I look up I just trip over things"

01-01-2004, 08:34 AM	#14 (permalink)
Ladyhawke Crazy Location: Dallas	Face it, Men don't know a thing about pleasing a woman unless we help them.....Do what I did. had my girlfriend teach my hubby how to please me....You talk about some fun learning sessons....yooohoo ^_^ __________________ Whatever

01-02-2004, 05:49 AM	#15 (permalink)
wannabenakid247 Registered User Location: Wales, UK	Thats the funniest thing i've read in ages!

01-02-2004, 10:22 AM	#16 (permalink)
raeanna74 I'm not a blonde! I'm knot! I'm knot! I'm knot! Location: Upper Michigan	That was pretty good. Fun to read. Thanks. Covered a lot of areas. Basically - Communicate and she'll tell ya what she likes and doesn't like. I should get a certain somone to read this. Then they'll know it's not just me saying it. He he Most of it isn't a big problem for me. Most men seem to have it straight. All they have to do is listen and care how the woman feels. They will always get well rewarded. __________________ "Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama My Karma just ran over your Dogma.

01-09-2004, 12:39 PM	#18 (permalink)
Nancy Femme Fatale Location: Elysium	hmmm don't forget all the mistakes that women tend to make during sex!!!! Men are not mindreaders ok, so how are they suppose to know EXACTLY what each woman like? A perfect sexual relationship comes after hours of talking and exchanging Do's and Dont's between couples... __________________ I have all the characteristics of a human being: blood, flesh, skin, hair; but not a single, clear, identifiable emotion, except for greed and disgust. Something horrible is happening inside of me and I don't know why. My nightly bloodlust has overflown into my days. I feel lethal, on the verge of frenzy. I think my mask of sanity is about to slip.