help me, i'm out of ideas!?!? - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Magoofer_17 · 12-08-2003, 08:00 PM

Ok,
The guy that I broke up with 3 months ago still isn't over me, and he's still sending me all these super-mushy emails, telling me how much he still loves me. He's also blaming the fact that he's now doing poorly in school, and his family starting to split up, on me! He almost sounds suicidal at times, and is trying to make it seem like when anything bad happens to him, its ALL MY FAULT! He's still talking to me, and asking me all the same ?s, wondering why my feelings changed. He doesn't seem to think that thats possible. I'm out of ideas, and I've told him the same thing a thousand times, and I'm about to lose it and just scream at him, but I'm worried that he would go completely over the edge then...so advice from anyone would help me, please!

sillygirl · 12-08-2003, 08:48 PM

Two words: RESTRAINING ORDER

Seriously. He's outta line.

sexymama · 12-08-2003, 10:12 PM

I agree with sillygirl. Give him a warning, then file for a restraining order. This is not okay and not normal behavior.

lurkette · 12-09-2003, 06:13 AM

Yup. Tell him in NO UNCERTAIN TERMS that you don't want to have any contact with him. Do it by email, or by phone and either record it or have someone witness you doing it. If he persists, it's time to call in the authorities. You are NOT responsible for his feelings or for his life. If you think he may be unbalanced, you might want to let everyone around you know so they can keep an eye out for you, and you might also want to take some basic self-defense classes. Not to make you paranoid or panicked or anything, but the guy sounds like he has a screw loose and I wouldn't take any chances.

WaxBoardChick98 · 12-09-2003, 10:18 AM

If you people read, you would notice she said “suicidal” and not “murderous,” BIG difference, he’s not a threat to society, or her, he’s only a threat to himself. So what’s the use of a restraining order?

Maybe you could sum it all up like coming off an orgasm (sorry for the bad example, only thing I could think of), but you wouldn't want the best one of your life, then have the guy just walk out of the room, grab a beer, and relax on the couch while you sit there and come down on your own suddenly making it the worst one ever, you catch my drift? So talk with him, help him through everything, get him to think positively and let him know he's got a lot waiting for him. Help him down from the tree he’s stuck in. But, from my experience, under no terms should you leave a guy in his state on his own, that would make everything so much worse. If you ever cared about him, which, since you dated him, you must have, you would WANT to help him out, make sure he knows he has someone, anyone, there for him. If you still want to be friends with him (not sure if you do or don’t), call him a little bit, talk with him, LISTEN to him, let him know you will want to maintain a friendship because. Hopefully that’s the case, because IMHO, ending a relationship and never talking/seeing the person is the worst thing for both parties. It may not be the best plan, but it’s worked with a lot of people I know, and here in Cal there are A LOT of people. The restraining order might be a bit extreme, unless he’s still coming on to you and you don’t want it. But out of nowhere, just because of some emotional e-mails you get, don’t give a restraining order, trust me, it won’t help the situation, it’s only going to make him think about killing himself even more. Maybe you don’t care about him, but I sure wouldn’t want an ex killing themselves over me. All in all, at least be a true friend to him, he’ll get better faster, and stop with what he’s doing. He won’t think so lowly, maybe even being happier will help school and family, you never know. Life’s an experiment, don’t misuse the chemicals.

(Sorry this dragged on for so long, I just get carried away with things like this)

lurkette · 12-09-2003, 10:35 AM

WaxBoardChick, she did say he sounds "almost suicidal" sometimes, but she also said he blames all of his woes on her, that he keeps asking the same questions over and over despite always getting the same answers, and that she's afraid he might go over the edge if she cuts ties. It sounds like his emotion is directed at her more than at himself, and that's worrisome, as is his irrational and clingy behavior. I'm sure she would hate to have anything happen to him, but if it does, it's NOT BECAUSE OF HER, it's because of his own emotional instability, and I see no reason why she should do anything more than suggest to him that he get help and provide a list of good therapists. It would be one thing if an ex were seriously depressed but non-threatening - then I could see dragging yourself back to help out. But this guy sounds downright unbalanced and even though we may be all overreacting, I don't think she should put herself in an even potentially dangerous situation. Presumably the man has friends and family - perhaps she could get in touch with them and suggest they get him help. But getting personally involved is, IMHO, a VERY bad idea. Not only would it be unpleasant and potentially harmful for her, but it would only reinforce his behavior and prolong the process of separation.

sillygirl · 12-09-2003, 11:01 AM

I agree with Lurkette. "Helping" him through this situation, when he's in the state of mind that he's in right now, would make him think that she changed her mind and is reconsidering staying with him. That's counterproductive.

I had a similar situation in high school. I was friends with a guy who one day started making some serious moves on me. I made it very clear that I didn't want to be with him the first time he tried. I still would've been friends with him. But it didn't stop. Then he started blaming his life on me. I didn't get with him. He's still alive today.

Also, my ex husband. He made no effort to let me know he wanted to be with me, and when I told him I wanted a divorce, he tried to kill himself. Mind you, he took MIDOL of all things, but still. He tried making me stay with him so that he wouldn't 'go crazy'. Staying with him would've driven ME crazy, I would've been MORE unhappy than I already was, and I would've felt trapped. I tried to help him AFTER he'd tried to kill himself. I tried to still be of some support.Trying to show support was counterproductive. He thought that I had changed my mind.

I'm now dating a wonderful guy who cares for me. I'm happy. And my ex is still alive.

Whatever you do, you must keep it clear to him that you do NOT want to be with him. Don't cater to him. Don't tell him that you care. Maybe it WOULD be a good idea to talk to his parents or someone in his family that you get along with. But going back just to 'help' him would probably only make things worse.

WaxBoardChick98 · 12-09-2003, 01:58 PM

She can always stress to him she's only doing it to help him, she can say "I don't want to get back into a relationship" yadda yadda. But to me, that's what being a human is about, I guess not everyone has to follow my belief, and that's fine. I just see it as another chance to help someone cope with the difficulties our shitty world brings to us, despite how close two certain people are. But, I'll just butt out now, and let everything flow it's way, good luck with the guy Magoofer.

Litespeed · 12-09-2003, 09:40 PM

You could just ignore him. I'm sure that's going to be hard if your heart still goes out for him...

but if you don't respond to his e-mails and you don't return his phone calls he's going to get the drift sometime. and soon.

If he doesn't, yeah... don't hesitate to go for the restraining order. That's what they're there for.

12-08-2003, 08:00 PM	#1 (permalink)
Magoofer_17 Banned Location: bfe	help me, i'm out of ideas!?!? Ok, The guy that I broke up with 3 months ago still isn't over me, and he's still sending me all these super-mushy emails, telling me how much he still loves me. He's also blaming the fact that he's now doing poorly in school, and his family starting to split up, on me! He almost sounds suicidal at times, and is trying to make it seem like when anything bad happens to him, its ALL MY FAULT! He's still talking to me, and asking me all the same ?s, wondering why my feelings changed. He doesn't seem to think that thats possible. I'm out of ideas, and I've told him the same thing a thousand times, and I'm about to lose it and just scream at him, but I'm worried that he would go completely over the edge then...so advice from anyone would help me, please!

12-08-2003, 08:48 PM	#2 (permalink)
sillygirl Newlywed Location: at home	Two words: RESTRAINING ORDER Seriously. He's outta line. __________________ Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly-Rose Franken ....absence makes me miss him more...

12-08-2003, 10:12 PM	#3 (permalink)
sexymama My own person -- his by choice Location: Lebell's arms	I agree with sillygirl. Give him a warning, then file for a restraining order. This is not okay and not normal behavior. __________________ If you can go deeply into lovemaking, the ego disappears. That is the beauty of lovemaking, that it is another source of a glimpse of god It's not about being perfect; it's about developing some skill at managing imperfection.

12-09-2003, 06:13 AM	#4 (permalink)
lurkette My future is coming on Moderator Emeritus Location: east of the sun and west of the moon	Yup. Tell him in NO UNCERTAIN TERMS that you don't want to have any contact with him. Do it by email, or by phone and either record it or have someone witness you doing it. If he persists, it's time to call in the authorities. You are NOT responsible for his feelings or for his life. If you think he may be unbalanced, you might want to let everyone around you know so they can keep an eye out for you, and you might also want to take some basic self-defense classes. Not to make you paranoid or panicked or anything, but the guy sounds like he has a screw loose and I wouldn't take any chances. __________________ "If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing." - Anatole France

12-09-2003, 10:18 AM	#5 (permalink)
WaxBoardChick98 Upright Location: Central Cal	If you people read, you would notice she said “suicidal” and not “murderous,” BIG difference, he’s not a threat to society, or her, he’s only a threat to himself. So what’s the use of a restraining order? Maybe you could sum it all up like coming off an orgasm (sorry for the bad example, only thing I could think of), but you wouldn't want the best one of your life, then have the guy just walk out of the room, grab a beer, and relax on the couch while you sit there and come down on your own suddenly making it the worst one ever, you catch my drift? So talk with him, help him through everything, get him to think positively and let him know he's got a lot waiting for him. Help him down from the tree he’s stuck in. But, from my experience, under no terms should you leave a guy in his state on his own, that would make everything so much worse. If you ever cared about him, which, since you dated him, you must have, you would WANT to help him out, make sure he knows he has someone, anyone, there for him. If you still want to be friends with him (not sure if you do or don’t), call him a little bit, talk with him, LISTEN to him, let him know you will want to maintain a friendship because. Hopefully that’s the case, because IMHO, ending a relationship and never talking/seeing the person is the worst thing for both parties. It may not be the best plan, but it’s worked with a lot of people I know, and here in Cal there are A LOT of people. The restraining order might be a bit extreme, unless he’s still coming on to you and you don’t want it. But out of nowhere, just because of some emotional e-mails you get, don’t give a restraining order, trust me, it won’t help the situation, it’s only going to make him think about killing himself even more. Maybe you don’t care about him, but I sure wouldn’t want an ex killing themselves over me. All in all, at least be a true friend to him, he’ll get better faster, and stop with what he’s doing. He won’t think so lowly, maybe even being happier will help school and family, you never know. Life’s an experiment, don’t misuse the chemicals. (Sorry this dragged on for so long, I just get carried away with things like this) __________________ Ride the waves like they'll never come again

12-09-2003, 10:35 AM	#6 (permalink)
lurkette My future is coming on Moderator Emeritus Location: east of the sun and west of the moon	WaxBoardChick, she did say he sounds "almost suicidal" sometimes, but she also said he blames all of his woes on her, that he keeps asking the same questions over and over despite always getting the same answers, and that she's afraid he might go over the edge if she cuts ties. It sounds like his emotion is directed at her more than at himself, and that's worrisome, as is his irrational and clingy behavior. I'm sure she would hate to have anything happen to him, but if it does, it's NOT BECAUSE OF HER, it's because of his own emotional instability, and I see no reason why she should do anything more than suggest to him that he get help and provide a list of good therapists. It would be one thing if an ex were seriously depressed but non-threatening - then I could see dragging yourself back to help out. But this guy sounds downright unbalanced and even though we may be all overreacting, I don't think she should put herself in an even potentially dangerous situation. Presumably the man has friends and family - perhaps she could get in touch with them and suggest they get him help. But getting personally involved is, IMHO, a VERY bad idea. Not only would it be unpleasant and potentially harmful for her, but it would only reinforce his behavior and prolong the process of separation. __________________ "If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing." - Anatole France

12-09-2003, 11:01 AM	#7 (permalink)
sillygirl Newlywed Location: at home	I agree with Lurkette. "Helping" him through this situation, when he's in the state of mind that he's in right now, would make him think that she changed her mind and is reconsidering staying with him. That's counterproductive. I had a similar situation in high school. I was friends with a guy who one day started making some serious moves on me. I made it very clear that I didn't want to be with him the first time he tried. I still would've been friends with him. But it didn't stop. Then he started blaming his life on me. I didn't get with him. He's still alive today. Also, my ex husband. He made no effort to let me know he wanted to be with me, and when I told him I wanted a divorce, he tried to kill himself. Mind you, he took MIDOL of all things, but still. He tried making me stay with him so that he wouldn't 'go crazy'. Staying with him would've driven ME crazy, I would've been MORE unhappy than I already was, and I would've felt trapped. I tried to help him AFTER he'd tried to kill himself. I tried to still be of some support.Trying to show support was counterproductive. He thought that I had changed my mind. I'm now dating a wonderful guy who cares for me. I'm happy. And my ex is still alive. Whatever you do, you must keep it clear to him that you do NOT want to be with him. Don't cater to him. Don't tell him that you care. Maybe it WOULD be a good idea to talk to his parents or someone in his family that you get along with. But going back just to 'help' him would probably only make things worse. __________________ Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly-Rose Franken ....absence makes me miss him more...

12-09-2003, 01:58 PM	#8 (permalink)
WaxBoardChick98 Upright Location: Central Cal	She can always stress to him she's only doing it to help him, she can say "I don't want to get back into a relationship" yadda yadda. But to me, that's what being a human is about, I guess not everyone has to follow my belief, and that's fine. I just see it as another chance to help someone cope with the difficulties our shitty world brings to us, despite how close two certain people are. But, I'll just butt out now, and let everything flow it's way, good luck with the guy Magoofer. __________________ Ride the waves like they'll never come again

12-09-2003, 09:40 PM	#9 (permalink)
Litespeed Loser Location: Thousand Oaks, CA	You could just ignore him. I'm sure that's going to be hard if your heart still goes out for him... but if you don't respond to his e-mails and you don't return his phone calls he's going to get the drift sometime. and soon. If he doesn't, yeah... don't hesitate to go for the restraining order. That's what they're there for.