Amethyst

I agree with uptown on both of these points. I watch porn with my husband sometimes. But the thought of him dreaming of another woman while we are having sex does make you feel inferior and horrible. not that a guy would ever be stupid enough to admit it but I am sure that it happens.

CinnamonGirl

Whoa. I had to dig this thread up, because this is a pretty big problem for me right now.

My husband = very much into porn. Now, this wouldn't bother me, except, as was mentioned in some of the above replies, he a) hides it from me and b) doesn't seem to be interested in sex anymore.

I like sex. I like a LOT of sex. For a while there, we were only having sex once, maybe twice a month, and my frustration with that took its toll on everything else.

I finally just deleted everything in a complete rage, trying to force a confrontation, since he pretty much refused to talk to me about it (and yeah, hindsight's 20/20...it may have been more effective to just MOVE the folder, instead of trashing it...but...yeah.) The plan didn't exactly work, since he never said a word to me about it, until I brought it up.

So, we finally had it out, and I felt so much better about everything. He admitted that while we were having sex once a month, he was jerking off to porn something like 5 or 6 times a week (and I still think he told me a lower number, but that's beside the point.) Anyway, I was a little miffed, but I told him that I wanted at least three of those times to be real sex, and he agreed.

Things went well for a little over a week, but...I think we're back to where we started. I try to intitiate sex, get turned down, he waits until I fall asleep, and then goes for the porn.

I've tried to watch porn with him...he occasionally will share pictures with me (and I like to look over his shoulder when he's surfing around the TB..not keeping an eye on him, just because I like to look), but most of the time not. And I don't think we've ever watched a video together. I've also tried to "spice things up" a bit, but I just get a weird look or uncomfortable silence.

Basically, I think he's just gotten lazy...it's much easier for him to get off by himself in a couple minutes, then it is to have to "worry" about me enjoying it.

Hmmm...well, this ended up being much longer than I thought it was going to be...if anyone's read this entire thing, wow I don't know...I guess I might be looking for some general advice, but mostly, I just wanted to get everything out. My friends are great about listening, but none of them are married, and only one's in a serious relationship, so it's usually "I wish I could say something, but I've never been in a situation like that."

So..yeah...thanks for letting me rant.

Edit: Just wanted to clarify...it's not the porn I have a problem with. It's the not getting any sex that I don't like.

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"...for though she was ordinary, she possessed health, wit, courage, charm, and cheerfulness. But because she was not beautiful, no one ever seemed to notice these other qualities, which is so often the way of the world."


"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"

Ladyhawke

LOL.....I have more porn then he does to begin with...and the only real porn he looks at...is here on the TPF....so I agree with stormberlin...just get over it

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Whatever

txlovely

"Get over it" is not an appropriate response. To anything. Ever!
CinnamonGirl, if it's causing a problem in your marriage, then you must confront him again. I would suggest marriage counseling. I know someone whose marriage was broken up by porn addiction and frankly, that's just not a good excuse. Your husband has other issues that he must deal with that have nothing to do with you. You're obviously open-minded and that's good! He should appreciate this and work with you but instead he's being secretive and hurtful. Don't let him rob your marriage of the intimacy you deserve. Do something before it's too late, especially if you have children. What a horrible legacy to leave - your parents divorced because your dad enjoyed looking at naked chics online more than your mom.

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Cruel words erode self-esteem like the ocean eats away the shore.

SiN

I respectfully disagree...but it could be just a matter of semantics.
'getting over it' could be simply letting go, or it could be more of an involved process...but as a whole, i think people would be far better off if they could 'get over' things easier.

@ CinnamonGirl -

wow sweetie..i can imagine that's a difficult situation

sounds like you're doing a good job of sorting it out in your head though, and trying to work it out w/hubby (altho of course i agree on your hindsight point )...

..but obviously it's still a problem.

my advise?

1. show him your post
2. do *not* hesitate to get to marriage counseling if it seems to be not working out. from my perspective, it seems to be an issue that *can* totally be resolved, and that it *needs* to be resolved, asap.

good luck and keep us posted if you can

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sillygirl

In addition to marriage counseling, there are also classes and counseling that he can go to to overcome his addiction to porn. Some people scoff at the fact that these groups really do exist, but until you know someone who struggles with something like this, it's hard to comprehend. Porn addiction could theoretically be a 'good excuse' to break up a marriage, depending on the circumstances. But don't make that your first option.

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Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly-Rose Franken
....absence makes me miss him more...

Yalaynia

Porn doesnt bother me. My SO could have a 500 gig harddrive with nothing but porn I dont care. Why would I be worried about it or afraid of it. If hes going to cheat (which my SO and I both know neither one of us would do that to the other) hes not going to get it from any one of those woman on tv or in pictures. We have sat here talking back and forth on the computer in aol and hes sent me links asking me what I thought about this position or that position. As far as I m concerned porn just gives us more ideas and ways to kill each other in bed...lol.
He told me a while back when he was in college that him and his buddies would be snooping around the sites and that. He also told me he had 5 or 6 cds burned of with a little of everything on it. He told me he was and did throw them all out and occasionally he finds one and then has fun taking one of his swords and going out into the backyard and destroying it. I asked why I told him he didnt have to , and he said 1 its not hard to get them back and 2 if he was going to look at it he would want me to be there.

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I couldnt think of anything to put here , but I guess anything would do

~springrain

i used to feel insecure at times... and the weird part for me is that there is a lot of porn that i too enjoy... so i was kind of thrown by how "wigged"i got every once in a while...

Willow and i talked a lot about it... i think i felt that he was choosing the porn over me. so, we sat down , quite regularly for a while... and looked at porn together. it was great! i find more things that i liked... and some i hated... i got an understanding of why he was looking and what he liked to see and what he was looking for ...

now we look at it together still... but not as often... it's a fun way to keep things fresh... i'll find something i really like and say "i want to try THAT" ... or he might do the same...

i think the key here is being open in your relationship about these kinds of things and finding ways to enjoy them together.

good thread btw... interesting to hear everyone's thoughts... thanks!

sexymama

Wow, lots has been said since I last read this thread.

I understand totally the "other side" of the coin. I use to hate having my SO look at porn. Lebell helped (still helps) me with that. He probably doesn't even realize it; but he'll say things like "I saw a post in Off the Wayside today and kept seeing you in the outfits." Wow, sweet, sexy, fun!

I think the key here, as has been mentioned over and over, is open communication. Porn can be a problem if/when it replaces sex in a relationship and/or is viewed by a sexually deviant person who uses it as a starting point for crime.

At the same time it can be lots of fun when used in a healthy manner: to encourage sexuality and open communication in a relationship for example.

I think what I'm trying to say is "don't get over it." Rather, discuss it with your man. Be open to hearing his views. Explore for yourself. Talk about what works for you and what doesn't as far as his "porn habits." Please, don't let it be a barrior to an otherwise good relationship.

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If you can go deeply into lovemaking, the ego disappears. That is the beauty of lovemaking, that it is another source of a glimpse of god

It's not about being perfect; it's about developing some skill at managing imperfection.

~springrain

wish i could have said it like that... Very well said sexymama

Maleigh99

I know a lot of you are talking about men who watch porn constantly. But what do you all think about your SO watching it every now and then?

Personally, it's fine with me, but then again my husband is pretty good about it all. We even watch it together! And as far as him looking at other women, I understand that he's a man, and he didn't stop finding other women attractive as soon as he started dating me. I think trust and a lack of insecurity are big things in a relationship.

Just my two cents.

pinklily

I think I started with more insecurities than I now have. Actually, I've never really worried about it as long as it doesn't become an obsession, so every now and again is not a problem. But now I am starting to think that I am a Honda...and I used to think that I was a Porche...Does that even make any sense?

txlovely

Perfect sense!
The older you get the more you start realizing your honda may get downgraded to a chevy!
"Porn sharing" seems to be a big issue. Most women, at least those posting here, indicate they would be willing to watch or look at it with their SO but aren't so comfortable with the SO leering at it by his lonesome.

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Cruel words erode self-esteem like the ocean eats away the shore.

EruptiveDreamz

Can you remain faithful in cyber space I thought this artical kind of fit. It would bother me if my man quit being interested. Matter of fact I was involved in a relationship where a man I lived with became more interested in porn and his self satisfaction than satisfying me. I can't say a problem like this can't be disscussed and perhaps worked through. The problems between him and I were more than just that one particular situation with pornography...just happened to be that situation was the straw that broke the camels back so to speak. He was also an severe alcoholic in which I yes pissed in whiskey when I left him as our last fight was over the cable cord and who messed it up on the same day as my father had passed away..in which he had unhooked to take the vcr with his porn upstairs. How retarded to think that was the last fight we had but completely in my mind justified as the reason for leaving him. And I don't regret pissing in his whiskey.

I would much rather have my man interested in porn than cyber sex and/or another woman. I would find it very erotic and sexually stimulating to find him perhaps erect when I came home and wanting to fuck. I would rather be included than left out. I would rather find away to be a participant than not be one at all.

I get nervous when I think of the man I am involved with, yes online and him coming here to start a new begining between us as I know he veiws porn on the net and yes he veiws it here as well. So what do I do? Become a exhibit poster. Why not? Least I am putting myself out there as a reminder to him and myself that my life isn't going to stop so either take my needs in to mind or I am sure I can go forward cause look I still have what it takes and other people are interested. Only bad thing is you run into a thread like this and hope you aren't the butt of someone elses problems.

The nice thing about the net is that is very easy to find sites that have a group of people that fit your lifestyle and can make you feel as tho you are worthy and attractive in someones eyes .. bad thing about the net is just like I tell my man, I won't nor will I feel I have to compete against the net. It is far bigger than reality and far easier to gain access to more than just my everday reality in this one little town I live in that makes up such a small portion of the internet and world. I refuse to beat my head against a wall when it comes to the net. Either show me he is attracted to me and here to meet my needs or go. Life does not stop. I ain't got time in life to play like that. I feel I am far better than that period.

As far as paysites go.. okay so maybe one or two. But if he is going to pay for a site at least let me know. I feel if I live with the man I have a right to know where, yes my money also involved in household expenses is going. You wanna pay for a site at least let me know and I best be able to have access too. Tell me if you went the store and decided you wanted to take "your" money you "earned" and not buy him supper that night and decided to spend it on something you wanted because "you earned it" .. tell me he wouldn't be mad to think he wasn't eating and having figure out how to feed himself that night because his tatsebuds may have been teased with the assumtion of you cooking. Well same diffrence. If he quits having sex with you cause he likes his palm best, he is leaving you to figure out how to feed your own needs and in that case there is a huge problem because you know what? I just may find I like what I can do for myself better than he can do. Tables turned. What a bitch that would have to be to have the reality they put you in slap them in the face in return.

But you know thats just my veiws and thats just based on a small portion of what I actually do know and I wish the best to anyone having problems and would much rather hear a good out come than a bad one. And for God sake don't let me be of any influence. This is just me personally. Been thru enough bullshit. I know what I want from life and a relationship. Took me along time to know I am worthy of what I ask for and that what I do ask for isn't alot.

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Anomaly77

I think that this debate comes down to a compatibility issue. I do not care for porn and I would have never seriously dated or married a man that did. I'm not going to try and change a guy into not watching porn and I certainly will not change into liking it or "getting over it". If its a mismatch, we move on.

It's not necessarily an insecurity. To me, it's about respect. What that means to each person differs. I do not see fantasizing about sex with other people, as a healthy element in a marriage. If a guy can't respect that belief of mine, then he's simply not for me.

sillygirl

I'm going to say what I'm sure I've said before.

Porn becomes a problem when it becomes higher on the priority list than things like paying bills, buying food, loved ones, etc. I know someone who constantly spends WAY too much time building their porn collection. Way too much time and money at strip clubs, too much time watching porn. This person goes through the same withdrawals as a druggie. If they don't get their 'fix', they get moody, antsy, etc. They go through the same withdrawal symptoms. Porn is then a problem. This person has lost the trust of friends and family members because of it. This person has ended up in huge financial trouble because of it. This person ends up seeming like a scared little child.

When porn makes you the person I just described, it becomes a problem.

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Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly-Rose Franken
....absence makes me miss him more...

txlovely

To further emphasize what sillygirl mentioned above, porn can begin as a way to add some spice to your love life, but it can turn into something much bigger, as with any addiction. When a person is in debt and paying for porn, that is a major concern, esp. if this person has familial obligations. One of the most insidious things about porn is the fact that it gives a reasonable amount of gratification minus responsibility. If a man starts comparing a real woman with an on-screen one, then the real woman will almost always lose.

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Cruel words erode self-esteem like the ocean eats away the shore.

Cherry

I used to be terribly disturbed by my SO's porn habits, but as we've become more adjusted to each other's needs I am no longer bothered by it. In fact, I believe that I now own/download a significantly greater amount of porn than he.

Great article. Thanks for the link.

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In walked a man in the shape of a man, holding a hat shaped hat...

Mel

I have insecurities about my SO looking at porn although i have no reason to, because I am the one he can touch and love not some girl on a screen, I don't know why it bothers me, I wish it didn't

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