what is your relationship like ??? - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Magnolia · 08-18-2010, 12:04 AM

what is youre relationship like ? what do you like about it ? not like about it ?

Im also wondering if anyone else is dealing with a significant other that has a night job? ( lack of time together )

ngdawg · 08-18-2010, 04:20 AM

It is customary to begin the discussion with your own take on the subject or your issues with it.

genuinegirly · 08-18-2010, 05:49 AM

Well, let's see... can I be just as brief as you, Magnolia?

My relationship with my husband is great! Though it does have ups and downs.

Nope, I've never dealt with a night-shifter.

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Perhaps you should tell us what precisely you'd like to know about others' relationships? Give us something to compare it to? Perhaps a few specific questions or a list of things about your partnership that seem abnormal. Also, from your OP I'm not entirely sure you're talking about a spouse/significant other, or just the interactions between friends and family. "Relationship" is a broad term.

Magnolia · 08-18-2010, 11:02 AM

oh okay I figured it was better not to go on and on .... well Ive been dating my guy about 8 months, Im 30, hes 39 , I want to spend more time with him , he likes his time alone , so I usually dont see him much on the weekdays , he does ask me to come see him during his work supper break , but I would rather him invite me over when he gets home from work, Im a night person so it wouldnt bother me to come over for abit even if I dont stay the night , it bugs him that I toss and turn , and I guess I snore sometimes too, and his sex drive is alot lower than mine , Ive had issues with that before, I just have a really high sex drive , anyway, Im wondering if I should take the next step and move in with him because Im not sure I want a signif other that works those hours and hardly ever wants to have sex . I see couples on week nights going for walks together and what not and I wish I had that . I think his baggage from the past is causing him to keep distance from me , scared to move forward , he says him and his ex moved in together too soon , anyway I snooped on his computer last month and he has photos of an ex, and hes talked about his exs alot and I feel like he already committed to others and now he just wants to be selfish and have everything his way , hes had 2 long term common law relationships and a few other relationships , hes been burned alot ,
but Ive also been hurt alot but I dont cling to the past like he does , I just want to move forward and be happy . Im confused because he says he loves me and I do really care for him alot .

snowy · 08-19-2010, 07:51 AM

Wow, okay. First off, any relationship where you snoop on your SO is not a good one. The foundation of any healthy relationship is TRUST. Trusting someone means you don't go poking around on their computer, you don't look into their email, and you don't check their texts, unless you have their EXPLICIT permission to do so.

On top of the foundation of trust is an essential skill to maintaining any healthy relationship: communication. It sounds like the two of you need to do some serious metacommunication: talking about your relationship. What do you both want out of it? What makes you happy? Are you getting the things you need to make you happy in your relationship? What are the fixable conflicts in your relationship? What are the conflicts you can work with that aren't fixable?

Ultimately, relationships are about compromise. If you're with someone who isn't willing to meet you halfway in getting your relationship needs met, then that isn't a very healthy nor stable relationship. It's a selfish one. Relationships are about give and take.

As for me in my relationship: we engage in frequent (but not overly so) metacommunication. Any time either of us has a problem, we turn to the other, and we discuss it until we feel we've reached a meaningful conclusion. One of the things I've heard from people who know us (such as my parents) is that they really respect that we aren't afraid to hash things out with each other. We would rather confront something than let it fester. I think one of the things that helps is that I studied family science in university and therefore have taken classes on marital conflict, marital communication, and so on. These skills are just that--skills. They can be learned. I definitely feel like my "communication toolbox" is a lot more complete now than when we first got together 5 years ago, and that our relationship is healthier because of it.

creepysusie · 09-10-2010, 06:42 PM

Whoa.....
I can almost guarantee that once you snoop into someone else's computer, what ever remains of a relationship are pretty done.
I think Snowy said it best that a healthy relationship is built on trust.

As for the issue about the graveyard shifts, my beau works the graveyard, and I work full time during the days. I know it can be tough scheduling around eachother, and we live together. We can go days with only seeing eachother for a cumulative amount of maybe 20 minutes if we are lucky. That means the little time that we do spend together are more special and I think you do know what I mean.

When relationships get tough, both parties have to work together and make the effort to work out what is wrong. If there is baggage, then both of you have to work it out together to fix it. A relationship is like building a house. There's a lot of effort and work and sacrifices to make sure to stands to code. It's not as easy as putting up a couple of 4x4's and making a tent.

If neither of you are willing to make the sacrifices to make things work out, then you are as good as single.

Vodka · 09-11-2010, 07:00 PM

well said Snowy and as for my own relationship, i don't have one so it's an extremely boring relationship

it's also very lonely sometimes

08-18-2010, 12:04 AM	#1 (permalink)
Magnolia Upright	what is your relationship like ??? what is youre relationship like ? what do you like about it ? not like about it ? Im also wondering if anyone else is dealing with a significant other that has a night job? ( lack of time together )

08-18-2010, 04:20 AM	#2 (permalink)
ngdawg peekaboo Location: on the back, bitch	It is customary to begin the discussion with your own take on the subject or your issues with it. __________________ Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.

08-18-2010, 05:49 AM	#3 (permalink)
genuinegirly Eat your vegetables Super Moderator Location: Arabidopsis-ville	Well, let's see... can I be just as brief as you, Magnolia? My relationship with my husband is great! Though it does have ups and downs. Nope, I've never dealt with a night-shifter. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Perhaps you should tell us what precisely you'd like to know about others' relationships? Give us something to compare it to? Perhaps a few specific questions or a list of things about your partnership that seem abnormal. Also, from your OP I'm not entirely sure you're talking about a spouse/significant other, or just the interactions between friends and family. "Relationship" is a broad term. __________________ "Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq "violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy

08-19-2010, 07:51 AM	#5 (permalink)
snowy Kick Ass Kunoichi Location: Oregon	Wow, okay. First off, any relationship where you snoop on your SO is not a good one. The foundation of any healthy relationship is TRUST. Trusting someone means you don't go poking around on their computer, you don't look into their email, and you don't check their texts, unless you have their EXPLICIT permission to do so. On top of the foundation of trust is an essential skill to maintaining any healthy relationship: communication. It sounds like the two of you need to do some serious metacommunication: talking about your relationship. What do you both want out of it? What makes you happy? Are you getting the things you need to make you happy in your relationship? What are the fixable conflicts in your relationship? What are the conflicts you can work with that aren't fixable? Ultimately, relationships are about compromise. If you're with someone who isn't willing to meet you halfway in getting your relationship needs met, then that isn't a very healthy nor stable relationship. It's a selfish one. Relationships are about give and take. As for me in my relationship: we engage in frequent (but not overly so) metacommunication. Any time either of us has a problem, we turn to the other, and we discuss it until we feel we've reached a meaningful conclusion. One of the things I've heard from people who know us (such as my parents) is that they really respect that we aren't afraid to hash things out with each other. We would rather confront something than let it fester. I think one of the things that helps is that I studied family science in university and therefore have taken classes on marital conflict, marital communication, and so on. These skills are just that--skills. They can be learned. I definitely feel like my "communication toolbox" is a lot more complete now than when we first got together 5 years ago, and that our relationship is healthier because of it. __________________ If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

09-11-2010, 07:00 PM	#7 (permalink)
Vodka Tilted Location: Cell #99, NZ	well said Snowy and as for my own relationship, i don't have one so it's an extremely boring relationship it's also very lonely sometimes __________________ Vodka TUWUF The Untamed Wild Ukraine Fiend

08-18-2010, 11:02 AM	#4 (permalink)
Magnolia Upright	oh okay I figured it was better not to go on and on .... well Ive been dating my guy about 8 months, Im 30, hes 39 , I want to spend more time with him , he likes his time alone , so I usually dont see him much on the weekdays , he does ask me to come see him during his work supper break , but I would rather him invite me over when he gets home from work, Im a night person so it wouldnt bother me to come over for abit even if I dont stay the night , it bugs him that I toss and turn , and I guess I snore sometimes too, and his sex drive is alot lower than mine , Ive had issues with that before, I just have a really high sex drive , anyway, Im wondering if I should take the next step and move in with him because Im not sure I want a signif other that works those hours and hardly ever wants to have sex . I see couples on week nights going for walks together and what not and I wish I had that . I think his baggage from the past is causing him to keep distance from me , scared to move forward , he says him and his ex moved in together too soon , anyway I snooped on his computer last month and he has photos of an ex, and hes talked about his exs alot and I feel like he already committed to others and now he just wants to be selfish and have everything his way , hes had 2 long term common law relationships and a few other relationships , hes been burned alot , but Ive also been hurt alot but I dont cling to the past like he does , I just want to move forward and be happy . Im confused because he says he loves me and I do really care for him alot .

09-10-2010, 06:42 PM	#6 (permalink)
creepysusie Tilted	Whoa..... I can almost guarantee that once you snoop into someone else's computer, what ever remains of a relationship are pretty done. I think Snowy said it best that a healthy relationship is built on trust. As for the issue about the graveyard shifts, my beau works the graveyard, and I work full time during the days. I know it can be tough scheduling around eachother, and we live together. We can go days with only seeing eachother for a cumulative amount of maybe 20 minutes if we are lucky. That means the little time that we do spend together are more special and I think you do know what I mean. When relationships get tough, both parties have to work together and make the effort to work out what is wrong. If there is baggage, then both of you have to work it out together to fix it. A relationship is like building a house. There's a lot of effort and work and sacrifices to make sure to stands to code. It's not as easy as putting up a couple of 4x4's and making a tent. If neither of you are willing to make the sacrifices to make things work out, then you are as good as single.