crystalan

I have talked about this before a little bit here, but I'm going crazy and I don't know what to do anymore. I'm hoping maybe I can get some good input or understanding regarding my situation.

I have been dating my 23 yr. old boyfriend going on 7 months now, I am 30. We've had three serious fights, to the point where we almost broke up on two out of the three fights. We had a little dispute this last weekend about the same thing that we can't seem to get over. Which is he is always really busy now, wasn't always when we first dated. He's taking a full load at school, 5 classes, which we are taking one together. I am not that busy, I have a full time job, a couple close friends, one main one that I have all my social time with, and the one college class. I know I demand too much time with him, but it feels like he has less and less time for me over the period we've been dating.

Now we've talked about this, and this is another aspect that has been thrown in. I am bi-curious and he's told me this last weekend, so recent, to go ahead and see what it's like with a woman without him. He said that he still loves me and wants to be with me, but understands that he doesn't have all the time in the world and wants me to experience this on my own. He also said it would be different if I were to date other men, he wouldn't like that. We originally talked about having a threesome, but me being so jealous, it wasn't going to happen for now anyways. I know, not fair for him. So I know he's still into me, just is he subconciously trying to push me away? I've asked him and he says no.

I love him but also know that I am way too obsessed over him. I'm always insecure and feeling like he's going to leave me or cheat on me as well. And I think it's because I feel like he's the most amazing man I have ever been with, and there's only one other person who made me feel this way when I was 18-19 yrs. old, and he was a potential dating boyfriend who turned into a friend.

What would you do if you were me? Oh and if you know anything about astrology, our Western signs match up, me Cancer, him Pisces, but our chinese signs clash totally, me Goat, and him Tiger. I may be too soft and needy for him and he may be too independent and careless for me. That's what it feels like sometimes anyways. Let me know. And I know, long post, just needed to get this out.

lostgirl

You have to relax and not worry so much. All of this will end up pushing him away. I am in a similar situation, my boyfriend is 24 and I am 31. We have been together for over 2 years, and though it is not always perfect, we seem to have what it takes to make it. I learned the age difference only matters if you are in two different places and have different goals, but most of all if you think there is a problem, you will make it true.

Love and patience can conquer all things. Step back and ask yourself if this needs to be worried about, do you need to say anything. Chances are if you wait, the answer will come on it's own, instead of prying it out of him or needlessly worrying about it. You can create more problems than you realize by being clingy and needy, this only serves to drive you further apart.

Hope that helps. I will be back to write more later as I think of it.

Good luck!

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hunnychile

Let me consult a few sources I have about Astrology and get back to you in regard to your 2 signs. Cancer & Pisces is a tricky mix. I know...because I am a Pisces. We are so wishy-washy! And waaay too intense emotionally!

In the meantime, you are the older & wiser partner here...if he's in school; he should be hitting the books (right?) You want to see him suceed and grow. If he feels you're just too needy that will push him away faster than you can even imagine. He's young enough to still require that feeling that he is "totally free and able to decide his own future." Everyone needs that!

Are you trying to control him too much and get a promise from him that he isn't ready to give? That's my take on you two. Time to chill and just relax & have fun when he does have time for you. That way you'll be able to be his oasis of rest and love and comfort. It will benefit you both.

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"I need compassion, understanding and chocolate." - NJB

little_tippler

I say worry less and get on with your own interests if he can't be there for you as often as before. I'm not sure I'd go for the 'experimenting with girls' at a point when you feel things are a little unstable. Take a step back and breathe. Give it a little time, a little space. See what happens, in whatever time period you are able to sustain this for.

I do think though, that if he never has time for you, you do have to consider whether the relationship is still a good thing or not. Relationships take work, and either you both make the time for it, or it will ebb away.

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

Ce'Nedra

Going to school full time is just like a full time job - sometimes more depending on the subjects and the amount of time required outside of the actual classroom. It's hard balancing school and work and family and friends AND relationships... Sometimes all it takes is a good schedule and time management skills, or maybe it will require you to be less demanding. How much time do you guys get to spend together? Do you live together? Is the time you DO get to spend together "quality" time?

There are some other issues in there as well. I'm wondering why the age difference makes a difference when it comes to him not being able to spend as much time with you as you would like. Do you think the age difference is a problem between the two of you?

Now for the bi-curious question, I know a lot of people are going to disagree with me, but I can only speak from personal experience here - I can't imagine how any relationship would survive with one or both members messing around outside of the relationship. Either you're in a monogamous relationship or you're casually "dating" and seeing other people. Doesn't matter if you're straight, gay, or any kind of combination or variance. If he says he's ok with you experimenting with women then maybe he really is and there is no alternative motives or anything. But I couldn't imagine that wouldn't cause doubts, suspicions, jealousy, and more problems to plague the relationship.

crystalan

I am not going to at this point in our relationship, if ever, to experiment w/women to make our relationship more unstable than it is in my mind. It is just a bad idea at this point and any other in a monogomous relationship. I agree with all of you who advised this. And we see eachother about one night/half a day in a one-week time span and that's actually pretty good since he is so busy. We don't live together obviously. And in between all of that, we chat constantly online or phone, so I know he loves me and is there for me. And that's with him being so busy. I did leave that out before, and I think it's a valid point. Opinions on that?

Sometimes though, he likes to go play poker and hang out with his friends, and I am fine with that, but on many occasions he's said he is going to come to and be with me, and he doesn't show up on time or sometimes, a couple times, he didn't. He always has vaid reasons for this and calls and lets me know, but still, it does hurt and makes me think for the next time, if he is going to show up when he says he is going to. Thoughts on this as well?

I feel like it's going to take a lot of effort on both of our parts, especially to patch up the damage that's been done already, but I will say that when we are together, it's very affectionate and loving from both of us, and he is wonderful to and with me in those moments. I treasure that about him and us. Thank you for reading and advising.

Halanna

I'm quoting this part because I think this is where some of the problems lie. In insecurity.

If he always has valid reasons, and always calls to let you know he won't be making it, why does it hurt? He has the courtesy to call, AND has a valid reason - how many men twice his age can accomplish that? Not many.

At 23 years old, he's not as established as you are - in work, in relationships and in life. He requires latitude. He's starting to make his way in life. You should be happy that he wants to spend some of his free time with you and not run out to bars, do drugs, sleep with the easy girls and skip work/school and his responsibilities.

Love him, let him love you, let him be 23 and don't try and push him into the mold of an older man.

Don't try so hard. You should be having the time of your life.

cutesundrop

Crystalan, I am sorry not to be positive, but he does not seem so in love with you...
First of all, for almost every man, having a bisexual girlfriend is simply a superlative thing. it stimulates men's fantasies, it makes them first of all proud but damned curious too. No serious guy would ever say to her girl: "Go and explore your sexuality alone". It's without question. A man in love would probably do everything he could to share that experience, not necessarily physically, but at least intellectually. And he would support his girl in the process.
If it's true what you are saying ("to go ahead and see what it's like with a woman without him"), I am sorry but I am afraid he does not care about you so much.
Few signs of this lack of commitment could be his way of communication: does he prefers to chat on internet or to send you text msgs rather than calling you?
Because it's much easier to do "something else" while chatting on the web or texting rather than talking at the phone..
You can even text several people at the same time, without showing any sign of "distraction"....
And if he calls you, does he usually end the phone call in a sudden way, maybe saying that he cannot talk any longer because he is busy? That is not a good sign too..
Maybe I am wrong. Maybe when you chat the webcam is always on and it's clear that he's focusing his attention only on you.

Moreover not showing up to a date can happen from time to time. And it's not normal. But if it happens pretty often, I would start to think that the valid reasons are probably just good excuses...
In addition I was in college too...I recall picks of overload, but if his busy period never ends....that's kind of sospicious.
In a relationship that really works, you should not fee insecure about your partner's love....never.

Probably I was too negative, but at least you can find in my posts some details to think about.
In any case, even if I am wrong, you should show more indipendence. It would surely help the relationship.
Take care!!!
And sorry for my English, I'm not mother tongue

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