Nienna

Hi ladies,

I know it's been a while since I've last posted. But I always visit from time to time. This seems like the only place where I can share and not be judged and I thank you ladies for that <3

SO in very few words I've been caught between a rock and a hard place. I cheated on my on-again-off-again boyfriend of 4 years with a guy who works at my gym (I used him for the sex - no strings attached) I gave oral, no kissing, etc. A day later, I feel horrible. Now I don't know whether to tell my boyfriend, and break up, or keep quiet and forget it ever happened. I've never cheated on my boyfriend...especially since I do want to marry him and I really do love him. I don't know what to do or how to feel Any advice is appreciated

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"in life there is only one thing i'm certain about, and it's that nothing is certain."

wooÐs

Well I just have nothing nice to say to you regarding this.

Nienna

It's ok I'm not looking for anyone to be nice. I know what I did was beyond wrong and I've been crying all morning about it....and I think I know what to do. I just can't be asking my friends about this and need others opinions. *SIGH*

__________________
"in life there is only one thing i'm certain about, and it's that nothing is certain."

Magpie_1

Tell him, he deserves to know. Don't be selfish.

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"Art is what you can get away with."
- Andy Warhol

little_tippler

If you guys had an agreement to be faithful and not have sex with others, you have deceived him and broken his trust. Though I like the thought of cheaters suffering their guilt in silence (why should your partner have to bear the pain of your mistake?), I feel that it's unfair not to tell him. I would tell him and be ready for him to end it. How much can you love him if you didn't even have the decency to talk these 'needs' over with him? Perhaps a kinder approach would be to not tell him and break it off, out of respect.

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

Nienna

Thank you ladies. I did tell him.

__________________
"in life there is only one thing i'm certain about, and it's that nothing is certain."

Shaindra

Have you figured out why you did it? People who are in satisfying relationships don't normally blow random guys at the gym.

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"Never regret something that once made you smile."

genuinegirly

Precisely my thoughts on the matter.

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"Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq

"violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy

chris2009

If you really love him, stop this kind of things. Hope he will forgive you after you tell him. I cannot say everyone is perfect, you may make mistakes sometimes, but most important is you realize it is wrong and you r willing to improve.

surferlove007

Cheating is a slick piece of business. I view cheating as puncturing a tire..in the end you're always going to want a whole tire...even if you just put a patch on it. I view a relationship as tainted if cheating occurs. Just my $0.02. There are a ton of fish in the sea...and all that garbage etc. 4 years is a long time. Find someone you can't top. Matt is somebody I have found that fills my every void. Seems like there was a void your current BF didn't fill so you improvised.

I seriously suggest getting a new tire...

little_tippler

I hope you are alright Nienna. You did the right thing. Hopefully next time you will do better by your partner.

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

Halanna

No, don't tell him.

Don't compound this mistake by making two.

Not only will it hurt him, it will change his perception of you. He may forgive you, but his perception of you is forever altered.

Telling him to alleviate your guilt is double selfish, the cheating act being the first.

If you are seriously contrite, vow to yourself never to do anything like this to him again, learn your personal lesson and move on.

cellophanedeity

How did it go when you told him? What happened?

__________________
who am I to refuse the universe?
-Leonard Cohen, Beautiful Losers

ZombieSquirrel

I disagree entirely. This is not a good foundation on which to build a relationship. He has a right to know and it would selfish to deny him that. There's no possible way she can vow not to do this again unless she comes clean.

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Attack ZombieSquirrels

hunnychile

Sadly, once you cheat they never trust you and it's never as good as you thought it could be.

I'm proud to say I have never cheated on my husband (even though I was real close to it) and yet, I have to say that boyfriends & husbands are two totally different levels of love.

If you cheated on yourr boyfriend perhaps you aren't ready to be totally exclusive.
What did he say after you told him? If he forgave you...marry him and never, ever cheat or do anything to hurt this great guy!

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"I need compassion, understanding and chocolate." - NJB

Halanna

Good! If we all thought the same the world would be boring boring boring.

From her point of view, I think it's a great foundation for this relationship. Not many people are faced with losing someone they love and given a second chance. This situation can give the individual greater appreciation for what they have, and maybe they will be less likely to take the other person for granted or become complacent in the relationship.

I don't feel he has a right to know. Why do you feel he does?

How does her coming clean contribute to her ability to vow, and succeed, in never doing anything like this again? In other words how does him having knowledge help her?

I'm interested in your thoughts.

ZombieSquirrel

Of course his perception of her will change. She cheated. I would much rather know the real person to whom I committed rather than be in a relationship of lies. Some people may live blissfully ignorant, but personally, I wouldn’t want to be blindsided when the real person comes out.

Yes she cheated. Yes she feels guilty about it, but why do you feel she doesn’t deserve some peace? She’ll still have to live with what she did. Just because she confessed, doesn’t mean she’ll stop feeling badly.

I feel for this girl. She had a weak moment. Have some compassion. She’s reaching out for help, and it shows she still has a reason to be forgiven.

He is committing himself to someone. When he proposed he said to her that he was bringing his whole self into the relationship. When she said “yes” she did the same thing. Whether you believe marriage is an outdated religious ceremony, people who do it are committing themselves to one another. Why get married if you’re going to keep secrets and lies?

Why would someone cheat? Of all the reasons I have heard have involved their partner, directly or indirectly. ”Wasn’t sexually attracted anymore.” “I was looking for excitement.” “I felt I had lost myself.” If they cannot communicate their unhappiness now, then why get married? Hopefully this will open up a dialogue. I’m sure she loves him very much, but there was a reason she did what she did. Love may not be enough to keep these two together. Especially if they can’t talk about it.

He also has a right to know because his body is indirectly involved. People are swapping bodily fluids here. She could catch something and pass it on to him. (I hope you were safe Nienna.)

Vow is a very strong word. You may disagree, but I could never vow with a tarnished heart. It would never hold. She would have “gotten away” with cheating once, and she could do it again. Or it could eat her up inside, and she wouldn’t feel worthy of him. That could drive her to do other things.

Nienna darling, I hope you have learned from this. I hope your love holds strong and you can work through this. You may not get the happy ending that you’re hoping for, but it’s possible that through your actions of owning up to what you did, your relationship got a little stronger.

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Attack ZombieSquirrels

LoveLawliet

I heard someone say something about cheating years ago that I agree with still. If you cheat one time and honestly feel bad about it/regret doing, etc. and don't ever cheat again, you shouldn't tell the other person. All you're doing is trying to alleviate your guilt (which you should feel guilty) and it ends up hurting the other person. If you plan on cheating again, or end up cheating again, obviously something is wrong with the relationship and the other person does deserve to know.

savmesom11

I agree...however it's seems we are to late to respond...........

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* I do not believe that struggles are a sign of life falling apart, but rather a step of life falling into place. *

Nienna

Sorry ladies for the delay in response. I want to make a correction, the on-again-off-again with my boyfriend has only been going on since November...then again in June (explanation below) I have read all your thoughts....so here goes

Yes. I have. And as someone stated, it was a void that wasn't being filled. And I was feeling this "void" for about over a year now.


There was and I did improvise, not in the best way. But even though I had open dialogue with my bf on various occasions, and told him what I needed in order to be "fulfilled" in the relationship, it was as though it fell on deaf ears

Thank you I feel as though I did do the right thing by telling him. Surprisngly enough it has opened more dialogue and we've analyzed the "cracks" in our relationship.

Not well. But certainly not as I expected. He was angry, and cried, as did I . I was a complete mess at work. Everyone kept asking me if I was alright. He couldn't believe I actually cheated on him. But at the end of the day, after work I went to go see him. Needless to say I was hysterical, and truly remorseful for what I had done. We spoke about it, how we were both hurt, and....he forgave me. I'm still trying to process it. It doesn't mean however that I feel it's ok and got away with it. I still feel guilty and cry about it. It was something that shouldn't have happened.

Believe me, he is more amazing than I imagined, and 100x a better person than I could ever be.

Exactly. And this is what we BOTH have taken from this. He understands that there was a void that wasn't being fulfilled, and I understand that I was taking him and our relationship for granted. I know some may not agree, but I think it's safe to say that in a way it was good that this happened (not trying to justify what was done in any way or saying it was okay) because it has allowed us to open up dialogue about our relationship. I stated before the same, but let me be a little more detailed....

My bf stated that he felt everything with the relationship was good. That I was never going to leave, and that everything he was doing was keeping me happy and he didn't feel he had to do more. I however have not felt "happy" for over a year now. So emotionally I was falling out of love. The point in our relationship that caused the biggest doubt was Nov. 2008 - my birthday. He didn't get me a gift or birthday card....nothing. (After 3, almost 4 years you would expect something. Even if it was "Happy Birthday Baby" written on piece of toilet paper it would have been just as meaningful as anything else.) But a couple of months before my birthday, I felt "unhappy" but stuck through it. Once the birthday incident passed, I truly questioned both his and my motivation for being in the relationship. So, in short, this isn't something that happened overnight.

Thankfully we've spoken about almost everything and have decided to continue our relationship. We both have learned not to take each other for granted, and have realized we need to work hard to maintain our relationship. Being in a relationship isn't a piece of cake. It will take work and above all love to keep it strong.

Sorry for the long winded response....but I want to thank you ladies for all your wonderful input


Zombie Squirrel....I really loved your thoughts and will respond to them tomorrow. I have much to say, but it's quite late now...

__________________
"in life there is only one thing i'm certain about, and it's that nothing is certain."

little_tippler

Nienna, I'm happy for you that you were both able to talk it through and still decide to give it another chance. It takes courage from both of you to do that. I hope it works out.

As for your unhappiness, let me just say that, no matter how much you love him, please make sure the relationship is right for you. Sometimes no matter how much love you give to another, if they do not reciprocate, you are wasting your love on them. I'm not saying this is the case, but I would certainly be sad if my boyfriend did not even mention my birthday after 3 years together. Seems like an odd oversight on the one day per year that marks a person's coming into existence.

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

Nienna

We're not done talking. 4 years is a lot to go over and talk about. As for right now, we're taking it one day at a time. And I hope it works out too.

My happiness was one of the things I questioned the most. I had felt unhappy for sometime and we talked about it, but not much was done to change the things. And I still stayed in the relationship. However the straw that broke the camels back was my birthday. He didn't forget my birthday, he just didn't bother doing anything special for it. His excuse was he didn't "have time" to get me anything, not even a card, so I broke things off with him. I told him that I wasn't going to forfeit my happiness for anyone. He then did sweet things, which usually lasted less than a month, and things went back to "normal". So another month or two went by and I felt unhappy again, and would break things off. Again he would do sweet things for about a month....and so on and so forth. Regardless of what I told him, and how many times I told him what I needed from him (emotionally) I felt stuck in a vicious cycle that was leading nowhere. It came to the point that during sex I felt I had to force my emotions in order to get into it. And this is why I found myself cheating on him.

Now it's a matter of trying to figure out if I'm with him for the right reasons, and not because I feel guilty. I know I love him, I know I want to be with him, but I'm afraid that I'm stepping back into the cycle of 1 sweet happy month followed by 1-2 months of complacency.

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"in life there is only one thing i'm certain about, and it's that nothing is certain."