does it mean something? - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

taboo · 01-30-2006, 07:57 PM

i haven;t told my parents about the guy i'm dating. they know him very well...we spend a lot ot time together, ect, and all they know is that we're "good friends". I want to tell them that we're going out, but I'm scared shitless. He's 12 years older than I am, he's divorced and has a 7 year old kid. My parents know all this. I'm totally ok with the age difference..we get along superbly. The divorced part I can look over. The past is the past. But his kid is where I get stuck. I'm still trying to battle with that isuue and a few more things.. so if they ask me about it...i won;t have a clear answer.

i know my parents like him as a person a lot, but I also know that they believe that he's not the guy for me. I told my brother today, and he was against it. And I'm dreading telling the parents.. They're gonna flip out..

Would you, or do you give a lot of weight to the opinions family members have about the person you are seeing? I see why they worry, but I'm willing to see if things can work out, because the guy is really something different and special...

Sweetpea · 01-30-2006, 11:24 PM

to answer the question... My parents first hated my now husband

But that was ten years ago and now they adore him and think he's the best thing... and the reasons they disliked him were very shallow in my opinion... because i could not have children with him due to a genetic disorder...

However... it seems like the problem you're having is not with what your Parents think... but with your Own hang ups about the situation, and i must say, the warning bells in your head are going off for a reason....
I'm not saying don't go ahead dating this guy... but it seems like you might be in a different place in your life than he is... 12 years is A LOT older, an ex-wife and a 7 year old child??

I dunno, but that seems like a lot of difficult variables to deal with......

I'd say... proceed with some sincere caution with this gentlemen.

sweetpea

maleficent · 01-31-2006, 02:52 AM

based on some other choices you've made-- i'd say tread very carefully... very carefully...

and do not lie to your family... you will need them in the long run...

boyfriends come and go -- family is forever....

shesus · 01-31-2006, 05:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sweetpea

However... it seems like the problem you're having is not with what your Parents think... but with your Own hang ups about the situation, and i must say, the warning bells in your head are going off for a reason....
I'm not saying don't go ahead dating this guy... but it seems like you might be in a different place in your life than he is... 12 years is A LOT oder, an ex-wife and a 7 year old child??

I dunno, but that seems like a lot of difficult variables to deal with......

I'd say... proceed with some sincere caution with this gentlemen.

sweetpea

I agree with Sweetpea because I'm in a similar situation. My husband is 9 years older than me and his daughter was 7 when we started dating. She is now 15 and let me tell you that it has been a hard road to travel. I love my husband madly and wouldn't change my choice for anything, but it's not for everyone and could have put a lot of strain on our relationship. The age part isn't as big of a deal, but the baggage is.

Looking back on your history, you have made some choices in your past where you jump before you think or before you've really thought about it. You have felt the ramifications of this. You have to make your own choices and mistakes. However, you have to stand behind your choice. You shouldn't have to have others tell you that it is right or wrong. You need to be happy with your decision. However, that being said, your family is going to be around forever, unfortunately in some cases. I didn't speak to my family for almost 4 years. That is the one area of my life where I feel a little regret, but it was what needed to be done at the time. However, no one gets any younger and you have to think...how would I feel if something happened to them and they didn't know that I loved them or insert thought/feeling here. I don't think that it is worth giving up your family for a guy...no matter how 'great' you think he is. And honestly, he wouldn't want to be the cause of that if he really respected you....

You have a lot to ponder...I hope it goes well for you this time.

Sage · 01-31-2006, 04:25 PM

Your family sometimes knows what's best for you, even if you don't. If you have a close relationship with your family, and they know you well- listen to them. I dated someone who was *very* wrong for me and I was the only person who couldn't see it. My family tried to tell me, but I wouldn't listen. They saw what being with that guy was doing to me, and they saw how I changed for the worse because I was with him.

Finding "Mr. Right" is a much harder task than finding "Mr. Right Now." Often in our search for love and accepance we (as emoting, sexual beings- man and woman) choose the person who is right in front of us giving us a little bit of positive emotion instead of choosing to wait until we find someone who will give us all of the positive emotion that we need. We accept baggage, difficult situations, impossibilities and the ilk becuase we have convinced ourselves we are no good and therefore must have someone to love us. Sex is not love, attention is not love, presents are not love, presence is not love. Those are are a part of love, but they do not make up the whole.

I am not saying that it wouldn't work. I am not saying that you shouldn't go for it. I am, however, asking you to consider your reasons *why* you are even interested in this guy. Why is he interested in you? Is it because you feel a deep spiritual connection? Or is it because he's getting old and wants to get a younger, newer woman on his arm? Could you talk to him about any topic, any topic at all and honestly share your opnions on the matter, even if they differ? Do you, indeed, have any hobbies or interests in common that are deeper than "Going to the movies" or "Hanging out"? These are all important questions. Lust makes fools of everyone eventually, however, I think that you (as well as everyone) deserves much more than lust. Love is so much grander, although it takes a significant portion of time to find and to nurture.

Sweetpea · 01-31-2006, 07:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sage

Finding "Mr. Right" is a much harder task than finding "Mr. Right Now." Often in our search for love and accepance we (as emoting, sexual beings- man and woman) choose the person who is right in front of us giving us a little bit of positive emotion instead of choosing to wait until we find someone who will give us all of the positive emotion that we need. We accept baggage, difficult situations, impossibilities and the ilk because we have convinced ourselves we are no good and therefore must have someone to love us. Sex is not love, attention is not love, presents are not love, presence is not love. Those are are a part of love, but they do not make up the whole.

Wow Sage, this is really an amazing peice of advice... thank you for putting this out there for all of us to read

sweetpea

genuinegirly · 02-07-2006, 01:56 PM

I understand your hesitation with telling your family. I'm right there with you.
Turbotom and I have been seeing one another now for 2 years, and we have gotten up the nerve to tell his family that we're together, but not mine. We both come from exceptionally conservative families in opposing conservative religions (his = Catholic / mine = Mormon). While I'm fairly certain that my family sees there is something special between us, I am not willing to tell them until I know they will be comfortable with the idea. As time has passed, they have gotten to know him better. They are comfortable with him in the home and happy to see him spending time with me. My dad has hinted many times, "Doesn't it seem like he enjoys taking care of you?" and so forth - as though I am blind to Turbotom's love and my dad has to point it out (hehe). It's getting close enough that I think my family will be happy to hear that we're together in the next year. But at the same time, I see no real point in telling them that there is anything between us until we plan on getting married. Until then, they can just call us Good Friends and leave it at that.

There was a recent "Miss Manners" column in my local newspaper on this phraseology of "Good Friends", but I'm having a difficult time finding a link online to reference.

In any case, don't feel obligated to tell your family just yet. It's really none of their business, no matter how much they think it is.

taboo · 02-07-2006, 07:30 PM

well, i got news.. i ended up telling them, and they took it much better than i thought, in the sense that they didn't react like it was the end of the world..they were however extremely concerned, and about the exact same things i am too.. so in a way, a big load came off my shoulders..it was best i did. plus, like you said, they were able to see right through the term "good friends"...how can you keep that going for 2 years?? wow..

i say tell them if you feel the need

Sweetpea · 02-15-2006, 08:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by taboo

well, i got news.. i ended up telling them, and they took it much better than i thought, in the sense that they didn't react like it was the end of the world..they were however extremely concerned, and about the exact same things i am too.. so in a way, a big load came off my shoulders..it was best i did. plus, like you said, they were able to see right through the term "good friends"...how can you keep that going for 2 years?? wow..

i say tell them if you feel the need

sorry Taboo, i just saw this...

I'm happy you told them, it's hard to keep things a secret or just not omit then to those you are close to, so i'm glad you were able to share what's going on in your life

sweetpea

taboo · 02-15-2006, 01:46 PM

hehe thanks!

01-30-2006, 07:57 PM	#1 (permalink)
taboo Crazy	does it mean something? i haven;t told my parents about the guy i'm dating. they know him very well...we spend a lot ot time together, ect, and all they know is that we're "good friends". I want to tell them that we're going out, but I'm scared shitless. He's 12 years older than I am, he's divorced and has a 7 year old kid. My parents know all this. I'm totally ok with the age difference..we get along superbly. The divorced part I can look over. The past is the past. But his kid is where I get stuck. I'm still trying to battle with that isuue and a few more things.. so if they ask me about it...i won;t have a clear answer. i know my parents like him as a person a lot, but I also know that they believe that he's not the guy for me. I told my brother today, and he was against it. And I'm dreading telling the parents.. They're gonna flip out.. Would you, or do you give a lot of weight to the opinions family members have about the person you are seeing? I see why they worry, but I'm willing to see if things can work out, because the guy is really something different and special...

01-30-2006, 11:24 PM	#2 (permalink)
Sweetpea Fade out Location: in love	to answer the question... My parents first hated my now husband But that was ten years ago and now they adore him and think he's the best thing... and the reasons they disliked him were very shallow in my opinion... because i could not have children with him due to a genetic disorder... However... it seems like the problem you're having is not with what your Parents think... but with your Own hang ups about the situation, and i must say, the warning bells in your head are going off for a reason.... I'm not saying don't go ahead dating this guy... but it seems like you might be in a different place in your life than he is... 12 years is A LOT older, an ex-wife and a 7 year old child?? I dunno, but that seems like a lot of difficult variables to deal with...... I'd say... proceed with some sincere caution with this gentlemen. sweetpea __________________ Having a Pet Will Change Your Life! Looking for a great pet?! Click Here! "I am the Type of Person Who Can Get Away With A lot, Simply Because I Don't Ask Permission for the Privilege of Being Myself" Last edited by sweetpea; 01-31-2006 at 01:14 PM..

01-31-2006, 02:52 AM	#3 (permalink)
maleficent Junkie Moderator Emeritus Location: Chicago	based on some other choices you've made-- i'd say tread very carefully... very carefully... and do not lie to your family... you will need them in the long run... boyfriends come and go -- family is forever.... __________________ Free your heart from hatred. Free your mind from worries. Live simply. Give more. Expect less.

01-31-2006, 04:25 PM	#5 (permalink)
Sage hoarding all the big girl panties since 2005 Location: North side	Your family sometimes knows what's best for you, even if you don't. If you have a close relationship with your family, and they know you well- listen to them. I dated someone who was very wrong for me and I was the only person who couldn't see it. My family tried to tell me, but I wouldn't listen. They saw what being with that guy was doing to me, and they saw how I changed for the worse because I was with him. Finding "Mr. Right" is a much harder task than finding "Mr. Right Now." Often in our search for love and accepance we (as emoting, sexual beings- man and woman) choose the person who is right in front of us giving us a little bit of positive emotion instead of choosing to wait until we find someone who will give us all of the positive emotion that we need. We accept baggage, difficult situations, impossibilities and the ilk becuase we have convinced ourselves we are no good and therefore must have someone to love us. Sex is not love, attention is not love, presents are not love, presence is not love. Those are are a part of love, but they do not make up the whole. I am not saying that it wouldn't work. I am not saying that you shouldn't go for it. I am, however, asking you to consider your reasons why you are even interested in this guy. Why is he interested in you? Is it because you feel a deep spiritual connection? Or is it because he's getting old and wants to get a younger, newer woman on his arm? Could you talk to him about any topic, any topic at all and honestly share your opnions on the matter, even if they differ? Do you, indeed, have any hobbies or interests in common that are deeper than "Going to the movies" or "Hanging out"? These are all important questions. Lust makes fools of everyone eventually, however, I think that you (as well as everyone) deserves much more than lust. Love is so much grander, although it takes a significant portion of time to find and to nurture. __________________ Sage knows our mythic history, King Arthur's and Sir Caradoc's She answers hard acrostics, has a pretty taste for paradox She quotes in elegiacs all the crimes of Heliogabalus In conics she can floor peculiarities parabolous -C'hi

02-07-2006, 01:56 PM	#7 (permalink)
genuinegirly Eat your vegetables Super Moderator Location: Arabidopsis-ville	I understand your hesitation with telling your family. I'm right there with you. Turbotom and I have been seeing one another now for 2 years, and we have gotten up the nerve to tell his family that we're together, but not mine. We both come from exceptionally conservative families in opposing conservative religions (his = Catholic / mine = Mormon). While I'm fairly certain that my family sees there is something special between us, I am not willing to tell them until I know they will be comfortable with the idea. As time has passed, they have gotten to know him better. They are comfortable with him in the home and happy to see him spending time with me. My dad has hinted many times, "Doesn't it seem like he enjoys taking care of you?" and so forth - as though I am blind to Turbotom's love and my dad has to point it out (hehe). It's getting close enough that I think my family will be happy to hear that we're together in the next year. But at the same time, I see no real point in telling them that there is anything between us until we plan on getting married. Until then, they can just call us Good Friends and leave it at that. There was a recent "Miss Manners" column in my local newspaper on this phraseology of "Good Friends", but I'm having a difficult time finding a link online to reference. In any case, don't feel obligated to tell your family just yet. It's really none of their business, no matter how much they think it is. __________________ "Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq "violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy

02-07-2006, 07:30 PM	#8 (permalink)
taboo Crazy	well, i got news.. i ended up telling them, and they took it much better than i thought, in the sense that they didn't react like it was the end of the world..they were however extremely concerned, and about the exact same things i am too.. so in a way, a big load came off my shoulders..it was best i did. plus, like you said, they were able to see right through the term "good friends"...how can you keep that going for 2 years?? wow.. i say tell them if you feel the need

02-15-2006, 01:46 PM	#10 (permalink)
taboo Crazy	hehe thanks!