maleficent

Ditto...

though, is it worth going for 'research' purposes for your family tree project you've been working on.. you haven't talked much about it lately, but i can't imagine you've given up on it - -or finished it.. .Woudl there be anyone that you'd need information from?

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denim

Well, in that case, call her on the phone before she flat lines and tell her to fuck off. Then maybe tell your dad you did that for her.

Note that will probably just justify, in her mind, the way she's treated you all these years, but this is more for you than it is for her.

Xazy

Cyn, we have spoken in the past about some of my family relationships. I have grown up believing strongly in family first, and how important blood is, despite these relatives of mine who hated me just for being my mothers’ son (no desire to even get to know who I am). At the same time, there are a few things I live by, and the main thing, knowing I took the high rode in life.

This involves making sure I do what I feel is right. In this case, by you going, there might be a relative that would appreciate it. You might regret spending money on going, but that is insignificant to the regret you might have later in life that you did not try. I grew up in a Jewish community, where there were no grandmothers and grandfathers; they all died in the holocaust. Parents did not grow up in a traditional home, knowing how to care for each other since they did not grow up in a house with relatives, just what they can pickup from the ruins after the war. I know this sounds exaggerated and a bit off topic, but it ties in for me on this topic. Basically I do not know your grandmother, and whether she was, how she was ‘to you’ for personal, psychological reasons etc.. But the end of the day she is your grandmother and either yourself or your relatives might appreciate you going. And it might bring them some good by you going. It also might give you some closure and same means of sitting there to come to terms with your feelings with her.

Sorry for the ramblings I am doing this mid-work, but these are just my thoughts I hope they help you in your decision whatever it might be. As a friend we will respect and honor whatever decision you make, and I would never tell you what to do, but since you asked here are my thoughts only.

Seeker

It sounds as if she has made her own bed and you are allowing her to lay in it.

It also appears as if you are on to every little drama that is created to force their will on your own, and you aint falling for it.

I can't see any wrong in your actions, actually I find them admirable.

Thankyou

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To those who wander but who are not lost...

~ Knowledge is not something you acquire, it is something you open yourself to.

Martian

Cynthetiq,

You're not obligated to like your family. You can't pick 'em, but you can pik how you choose to interact with them.

That said, I didn't vote in your poll; reason being, I'm not you. Just bear in mind, that a funeral isn't really about the dead, it's about the living. You obviously don't like your grandmother and you clearly have some issues with her that you'll need to work through. I'm not a therapist and I'm not even going to try to get into them. But if you don't feel you owe her any respect, then you don't owe her any respect.

But what about your uncle or your father or your cousins? Is there anybody there who would be let down by you not attending the funeral? That's not rhetoric, that's a serious question and the answer to that question will tell you whether or not you should go.

If you decide not to go, I'd recommend at least sending some sort of a letter. A phone call would be even better. Explain that you would really like to be there (and I reckon on some level you would, or this wouldn't be a tough decision) but unfortunately, you just don't have the time or the money. Offer your condolences to those attending as well. This woman destroyed your relationship with her. Don't let her destroy your relationship with other members of your family as well.

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I wake up in the morning more tired than before I slept
I get through cryin' and I'm sadder than before I wept
I get through thinkin' now, and the thoughts have left my head
I get through speakin' and I can't remember, not a word that I said

- Ben Harper, Show Me A Little Shame

Cynthetiq

She's dead and I'm avoiding the subject...Well not really, I'd like to try to but it's not all that possible.

Grandma passed on Saturday Dec 3 morning. I got the notice when I was at the market buying groceries for my Birthday Surprise Dinner with Ninde, my best friend.

I was a little surreal to be in the same city as the rest of the family for an event but not to be with them. I demured visiting them unless Dad really needed my support.

My sister, she didn't really mention anything to dad. She just avoided the subject all together. I on the other hand was quite straight up forward with him in the way that I am normally. I let him know that if he needed me to be there for him he didn't have to say the words, "I need you." He could just say, "It would be nice..." Now why did I pose it as such? Because I am my father's son. I like him will not ask for help. It's not in my nature to ask for help from someone especially in times of distress. So I told him, just say those words and I'll know you want me to be with you.

I get a bereavement day from work. Unfortunately I am not attending the services on Thursday. I thought maybe there's a small chance I'd go over the weekend, but it's very very slim since I do have lots of other obligations.

At least I let him know that I don't have to use the bereavement day to go to the graveside, I can use it to hang out with him.

thanks everyone for your well wishes and thoughts.

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cyrnel

Cynthetiq, my condolences to you and family.

It's good you're there for your father, requested or not. Losing a parent is big.

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There are a vast number of people who are uninformed and heavily propagandized, but fundamentally decent. The propaganda that inundates them is effective when unchallenged, but much of it goes only skin deep. If they can be brought to raise questions and apply their decent instincts and basic intelligence, many people quickly escape the confines of the doctrinal system and are willing to do something to help others who are really suffering and oppressed." -Manufacturing Consent: Noam Chomsky and the Media, p. 195

tangledweb

When my Great-Grandfather passed several years ago, I didn't plan to attend the funeral because I really didn't even know the man. He had lived in a nursing home for most of my entire life and I had only met him a few times. I was scolded by an aunt who told me "you aren't going for him, you are going for your mother" and I re-thought my plans. When I called my mother to get the details for the service, she told me to 'not worry about it' and not come.

I went to the service anyway and my mom came to me and thanked me for coming. I was confused by this, and I later asked her why she told me not to come if it meant that much to her. She told me that she was surprised to see me and it made her feel better knowing that I was there.

I only mention this to say, 'be there for your dad in the coming weeks' - no matter if he tells you otherwise. He may be surprised at what this brings him, and emotional support gets us all through the bad times.

Be well.