REDL|NE

Hi guys,

How do you go about shaking a hand of a female, for example in a job interview setting? I like having a firm handshake when it comes to man on man, as i believe this symbolizes confidence. However, when it is man on woman, should you lighten up a bit?

Thoughts?

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tecoyah

............No................

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cellophanedeity

Us ladies have tried hard enough to get respect in the workforce. Show us that respect by shaking hands the same as you would a man.

funny, there was a link on MSNBC's site this morning...

http://msn.careerbuilder.com/Custom/...172763123-rq-1

reiii

this always confuses me, I hate it when I over compensate and end up limp wristing it

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la petite moi

Just because she's a woman doesn't mean you need to "lighten up" for her. Treat her as you would treat any potential boss- with respect...and a firm handshake.

If she gives you a limp handshake (which I have encountered as well), it should not matter. A firm handshake will always mean confidence.

martinguerre

i don't really get people who do the dead fish as a hand routine...man or woman. nor do you have to win a hand squeezing contest. middle ground, eye contact, all that jazz...to be honest, if you're consciously thinking about it...you've invested too much effort.

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joofoo

I agree with what the ladies are saying on here about using a firm handshake, my manager is a female and she appreciates the 'real' handshake.

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joofoo

ShaniFaye

Please remember most girls wear more rings than men, and dont be so firm that you grind their rings into their fingers....I friggin hate when that happens to me

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Jinn

Handshakes are ridiculous. I have the weakest handshake out there, and I don't give a damn. I don't see why my ability to flex like 3 muscles is any indication of my personality, ability, or confidence. -- Unless I'm interviewing for a position giving handjobs.. or something..

Seriously... why is this a basis for determining confidence -- at all?

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Supple Cow

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! [/darth vader]

Funny, I've been thinking about this a lot recently. When I was a kid and I met me now brother-in-law for the first time, he gave me a hard time for giving him limp hand and dead-weight arm. From that day on, I have paid a lot of attention to my handshakes. I always always always have a firm grip and look the person in the eye. If I went to shake your hand and you gave me a limp one after giving some man a firm one, well... I would be displeased, to say the least. It's definitely a kind of thing that colors my opinion of a person. Re: a job interview - if you're really that worried about overdoing your squeeze, just make sure you smile and look her in the eye. That way, if it is a little too powerful, the person just thinks you are very enthusiastic and not pulling any power struggle crap.

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Gilda

This is an eye opener for me. I had never really thought about shaking hands before, and I certainly didn't realize that people read this much into it. I tend to give a fairly weak, limp wristed grip, but I fail to see how this has anything to do with what kind of an employee I would be or what kind of person I am. What it actually means is that I don't really like being touched by strangers; I have no control over how others interpret it. It seems silly to me to make any judgement about another person based on something so inconsequential.

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flat5

Made me remember the bank president's handshakes in the W C Fields movie "The Bank Dick".

The guy says, "let me offer you a hardy handshake" and it is just the opposite.
It's funny when you see it.

AVoiceOfReason

I'll show my age here. When I was learning the rules of etiquette, I was told that a man does not shake hands with a woman unless she offers hers first.

I'm guessing that Emily Post or whoever writes "the rules" has modified them over the year to recognize the change that women in the workforce, especially in the management area, has brought on what it to be considered "polite" in society.

Here's the rules I go by, modified by ME and ME alone: If the woman is older than I am, then I assume she learned the same rules I did when I was young, and I don't offer on first meeting UNLESS I just met her husband at the same time and shook his hand, in which case I extend mine to her to demonstrate that she is not unworthy of the honor.

I do NOT squeeze hard, nor am I a wet noodle. I measure the pressure I'm getting and match it.

If the woman is younger than I am and is in a business position, then she gets the same greeting as a man. I assume she's used to it, and will not find it rude.

All that said, I'd appreicate if someone can tell me what "The rules of etiquette" are these days for men offering to shake the hand of a woman in a business setting (or socially, for that matter).

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AVOR

A Voice Of Reason, not necessarily the ONLY one.

StanT

In the business world, I offer to shake a woman's hand just as I would a man's. As far as firmness, I try to respond in kind.

Elegant Holmes

AVoiceofReason got it all right I believe. Wait untill she offers her hand, otherwise a polite greeting and a slight bow. Grasp firmly, but only match her strength. I prefer hugs anyway...

oblar

I would be one that responds in kind. If a guy gives me a weak handshake then I will give him a light one in kind. If he is firm, I will be just as firm.. Same with women.

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streak_56

Just be equal. Doesn't matter who it is. If you can't handshake confidently, talk confidently.

Frosstbyte

It's just one of those built in social mores, for better or for worse. I'd guess it's derived very obscurely from guys wanting to show their strength to one another on first meeting in order to show that they could protect themself/mate/family/etc. Now, it's not that it's useful, it's just expected. Usually when I'm shaking hands with someone, I'm meeting them for the first time, so how they shake hands with me is part of my first impression of them. Someone who can't be bothered to put in the effort to give me a good handshake isn't going to make as good an impression as someone who gives me a firm, confident handshake. It's like if someone didn't comb their hair. No, there's no "reason" to comb your hair other than that it makes you look better.

And yes, I realize these are all superficial judgements, and I'm not trying to hijack the thread to talk about their utility, just explaining the ideas.

raeanna74

Definately don't adjust your handshake for a woman vs a man. It's insulting. Then again don't try to "overpower" other men by bringing them to their knees by your grip. When I find a person who won't give me a solid handshake (i.e. so limp that I feel like they're trying to slip their hand out of mine the moment I take theirs) then I sometimes will grip harder and hold on longer just to make them uncomfortable. So beware - you try to mollycoddle me and I will let you know I'm not a wus. Granted I'm not one of those that tries to grind your knuckles together but I will simply give you a firm handshake and I will do my best to keep you from sneaking out of giving me one back.

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Gilda

Actually shaking hands comes from medievil times. A knight would extend his empty hand to show that he held no weapon and thus was not a threat. Not that it's relevant, but saluting also comes from knights, who would raise their visor to expose their face, and thus, identity as a sign of respect.

Perhaps it's just that I don't come from a business environment where this would matter. Or is this something that matters in casual relationships, too? I wonder if the parents whose hands I shake are making some sort of judgment about this? I never offer, but will return when another offers, but only for as brief a time as possible. As I said, I dislike being touched by strangers.

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Phant84

so now after everyone has said dont change anything for a woman, what happens when they give you the "here is my hand sideways and just a couple of fingers" handshake?

i always just offer my hand and then go with whatever i get back from the lady.

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Phant

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raeanna74

This as I understand it is found more often in the south where the tradition was held longer for the woman to offer her hand to be kissed. I've met some women who shake hands this way and it seems that they are most comfortable with you simply take those fingers that they offer, "pretend" to give a handshake, and not get too flustered. I doubt that they truely intend for you to kiss their fingers as was once the custom. I think it's just how their mother's or grandmother's taught them to shake hands. This is what seems to be the case for my aunt who was born and raised in Georgia and really has a strong southern accent and some very southern traditions. Any ladies here that are aware of any different reasons??

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"Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama
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maleficent

I've had women do that to me and it drives me nuts - I feel like I am dealing with wannabe royalty...

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ShaniFaye

I was born and bred in die hard southern ladies.....thats not how they taught me to shake hands unless I missed something....I was taught however, not to show my bosoms before 3 o clock

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pan6467

Is that A.M. or P.M.?

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KungFuGuy

i was always thought it was appropriate to use a lighter handshake with women but I guess I was mistaken. I thought it was chivalrous and that it stemmed from the fact that physically a woman's hand is usually noticeably smaller than mine.

I hate it when guys try and break my hand. I'm not a limp wristed hand shaker so when I say this usually the guy was going out of his way grip really firmly.

Sugar&Spice

I shook hands with so many people today. I like a handshake to be firm. If someone gives me a limp handshake I feel as though they don't really want to be shaking my hand in the first place because they can't eve put a little tiny effort into it.

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Gilda

This would be a fairly accurate description of why I don't shake hands firmly. Not wanting to shake hands, however, says nothing about a person except that they don't like to shake hands. There could be a myriad of reasons why. Consider for a moment that perhaps people giving a limp handshake may do so because they don't see it as being in any way important, also a fairly accurate description of my attitude.

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Suave

I always gauge the strength of my handshake by that of the other person. Since women tend to give me weaker ones than men, I tend to give them weaker ones than I give men as well. Don't like it? Shake my hand more firmly. That said, I have lower limits to how "limp" I'll allow it to get.

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Konichiwaneko

I've always shaken a ladies hand the same way, and they have no problem with it.

For a Guy, full handshake palm in palm, and a steady grip.

For a female, her four fingers in my palm with my thumb over them, and a bow of the head.

I've always done that, and people know I do it out of respect.

Respect isn't one sided, and people know I'm just being polite.

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settie

This might make me sound like a ridiculous outcast, but I'll be honest: I don't like handshakes. I won't ignore someone if they stretch their hand out to me, but every gosh dern time I feel so uncomfortable when shaking hands. That doesn't mean I do the weak grip or too firm grip, I simply reciprocate the gesture. I'm not even a real big fan of hugs, they're alright but I suppose it depends on my mood because in general, I am taken as a cold person, so people aren't inclined to even touch me. But that's something I'm working on, the whole handshake thing. /threadjack
But, in general, keep handshakes the same between guys and gals. There's no real reason to make a big difference, unless you love squishing other people's fingers together, cause girls don't like that, especially when they're wearing rings.

Cuatela

I don't know about every woman, but most of the women I've shaken hands with cringe or cry out in pain if I give the same pressure as I do to a man. I don't know if it's because they all happen to have sensitive hands, or if every woman is like that, but as AVoiceOfReason said, I (try to) measure the pressure I'm getting and match it.

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MSD

This doesn't apply to a business/interview type of setting, but I've found that women react quite favorably, proving that chivalry isn't dead, to the classic kiss on the hand that was the proper greeting so long ago. Surprisingly, I've never once been slapped for it.

Vincentt

I am the same as Konichiwaneko.
To diffrent hand shakes.

When I want to shine them on, I move my second hand up too.

I did a lot of work in sales, and found a good handshake = $

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Supple Cow

This whole question of exactly how hard to squeeze because women's hands are, in general, smaller and/or more delicate seems silly. Do you men who measure what you're getting actually measure how much force is being applied? I just squeeze enough for the person to be able to feel a firm grip on their flesh. If I'm pushing bones together, then I'm squeezing too hard. That point just happens to come sooner among the women whose hands I've had the opportunity to shake, but I wouldn't call it two different handshakes.

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"I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. Twenty-six times I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed."
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Suave

Yes Supple. I have a gauge in my wristwatch that measures how many Newtons (up to 1000) are being applied to my hand, and I reciprocate that pressure until it goes "ding!" indicating I have perfectly matched their force.

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"Few people are capable of expressing with equanimity opinions which differ from the prejudices of their social environment. Most people are even incapable of forming such opinions." - Albert Einstein

"Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something." - Plato

Phant84

and where would one get said watch? does it come with a bitch/dick mode that delivers a gentle shock to said types of people?

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Phant

Irrationality is the square root of all evil

warrrreagl

I can't believe Grancey hasn't weighed in heavily on this one yet.....

MAJOR pet peeve of hers.

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Supple Cow

Suave -

First of all, my comments were more directly in response to these statements (and only tangentially to yours): I suppose I used too many of my words to stress the wrong point. I was more concerned about the idea of having separate handshakes for men and women than I was about measuring the pressure and meeting it.

Second, I wasn't asking about actually measuring pressure with a gauge (as I thought was obvious enough). I don't think it actually matters how much they are squeezing you. I find that a person's hand can only take so much of my pressure before I'm grinding their knuckles together. That has only a little to do with how much they are squeezing back, but a lot more to do with the consistency of the flesh on their hand. To repeat myself, I was interested in knowing whether or not the men who said they measured what they were getting were measuring the hand or the squeeze. I apologize profusely for conflating my two very separate points.

Third, I'm sure this won't be the last time I am unclear about my point. Next time you think I'm giving you a sideways remark, just ask me to clarify what I mean. If you feel like being sarcastic again (or perhaps it's that you just don't respond well to the word "silly"), aim it at somebody else.

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"I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. Twenty-six times I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed."
(Michael Jordan)

Zeraph

There is also something to be said about premature handshakers. I didn't even know they existed until recently. What they do is they move fast and squeeze in the same motion of putting their hand out. This results in the 4 finger crush because your palm doesnt get a chance to connect with theirs. Don't be a premature handshaker!