Would it be kinder not to tell her I love her? - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Phaenx · 02-12-2005, 08:27 PM

About five months ago I met a girl. She was a friend of a friend and we talked for many months before I took her out on our first date. I remember it like it happened yesterday. She first came in with her sister and another girl when my friend signed up to work in the shoe department at Sears. She's beautiful, there's not a lot about her I don't love, but I won't go into that. I talked with her briefly that day, as I would continue to do for a long time until she too got a job working there. I'd see her at break every once in a while, but one day on particular she gave me her IM handle and things began to happen between us. I would take her out when she was bored and we would talk. The first date we had led back to her place where we promptly made out. She must have felt safe enough with me, or horny enough, I don't know but I was able to seal the deal after talking to her a bit more.

From that first date on the relationship was pretty much I'd take her out somewhere and then we'd mess around, or I'd just go to her house and mess around. She didn't want to commit to any single guy though was the thing. The second time I saw her she said what we had at the time probably wouldn't progress past what it was right then and there. At the time, that was fine with me. I have five or six years of college ahead of me and I'm studying to become an Electrical Engineer. When I get into my major I'll be studying so much I wouldn't be able to see a girlfriend very often, once a week maybe. It wouldn't be kind to fall in love and then do that to someone. Regardless, she didn't want to fall in love with anyone either. She is taking a year off of school to figure a few things out, to be with her friends and live a little before finishing college and having to start being responsible.

Somehow a boyfriend doesn't fit into her plans. Because of that she's afraid of me. Afraid that she's falling in love with me and I'll put an end to her plans. She wants to travel, get a column in the Chicago Tribune and live downtown. No kids, no nothing, just her and her friends. That's why she didn't want to seriously see anyone. True to her word about a week later she told me she got really drunk and made out with one of her many male friends. By this time I had some feelings for the girl and I was a little hurt, but I knew the deal so I didn't say anything. I was determined to kick the guys ass if I ever met him again, but that's besides the point. I stuck around. I stuck around and we've grown on one another. It's been a while and nothing's happened since, so I began to wonder.

Flash forward to last week. I make a distinctive face when I'm lost in thought. I was laying on my back, she must have been sleeping with her head resting on my chest and saw me scowling at the ceiling. Then the classic question was raised, "What are you thinking?" I had just began to ponder something very important regarding her, I wasn't ready to say anything yet so I said, "I'll tell you later." The truth was that I was defining the word love. To love a woman, as I put it, was a deep subconcious feeling of unity. A person who lights up your day, whom you just can't get enough of. Would you fight for her? Would you be faithful, always, no matter the circumstances? Could you be patient with her for the rest of your life? I spent some time wondering about things like that.

I'm a quixotic young man as it turns out.

The answer was yes, I could do all that and I do love this girl. That was surprisingly the easy part. I've had girlfriends before, plenty. There's just something about this one that's turned me into a giant sissy. I've never told a girl I loved her. I don't use the word lightly, but there's nothing more I'd like to do but to tell her how I feel. The problem is the whole disciplined study habit thing. I won't see her much after that and that'll cause trouble down the road. What's more, I'm not sure how she's going to react. She likes me a lot and feels safe with me, but people are a little wierd about that word especially in our situation. Finally, I wanted to wait until she's ready to seriously start seeing me. That I think I have, I refer to her as my girlfriend, she got mad one time when someone called her my girl and I said she wasn't (I said quickly after "she's her own woman." looked at her and said, "saved!" she laughed). So that's not a big deal.

None of this is really a big deal. I don't know why I posted it, I guess I just wanted to get it off my chest. I'm going to tell her regardless of what council I recieve. The few months before I enter EE will be worth any fighting that may follow, if we break up then I guess it wasn't worth the trouble. I don't really care if she reacts harshly. It's more important that I am true to her, and for all of our sakes myself. I am a brash person and holding something like this back is a feeling that borders on physical pain. Whether or not she's ready to commit to me is a problem, but it would be cowardly to let it stop me. So I'm going to do it. Not tonight, she'll be drunk. Probably not tommorow, I won't see her in person. It'll just happen the next time I see her will be on Valentines day. So for all my gushy drama, I'm just going to end up a hokey dork. But at least she'll know how I feel.

Thanks for listening to me, please wish me luck.

Summary for lazy people:
I met and fell in love with a girl.

Girl falls in love with me after assorted drama.

Girl inquires about my thoughts one night. Said thoughts being whether I love her or not. I do love her, but don't know if I should tell her.

I decide to tell her anyways regardless of my fears.

Carno · 02-12-2005, 08:33 PM

Yep, I think you have to tell her.

Make sure you let us know how it turns out, I will be interested

maleficent · 02-12-2005, 08:44 PM

Hokey dork my butt... Sounds like you are a really -- and this is a good thing -- a really nice guy.... The story is wonderful... and I hope that it gives you the ending that you want...

So, you are feeling Quixotic... Hmmmm I love Man of LaMancha... and Don Quixote's impossible dream...

Quote:

This is my quest,
to follow that star --
no matter how hopeless,
no matter how far.

To fight for the right
without question or pause,
to be willing to march into hell for a
heavenly cause.

And I know if I'll only be true to this
glorious quest
that my heart will be peaceful and calm
when I'm laid to my rest.

And the world will be better for this,
that one man scorned and covered with scars
still strove with his last ounce of courage.
To reach the unreachable stars.

Good luck to you!

ratbastid · 02-12-2005, 08:58 PM

Good luck!

Also, re the school and plans and love not fitting into it, here's the deal: when you're in love, you work things like that out.

Bill O'Rights · 02-12-2005, 10:24 PM

Oh great. Thanks a lot, mal. Now I've got that stuck in my head for rest of the night.

To dream the impossible dream
To fight the unbeatable foe
To bear with unbearable sorrow
And to run where the brave dare not go
To right the unrightable wrong...

ironmaiden7o7 · 02-13-2005, 12:50 AM

I think it's fair that you tell her. Wouldn't you want to know?

Cervantes · 02-13-2005, 01:34 AM

Better tell her, it's the best thing to do in your situation. You don't want to go through several years of studies regretting not telling her and wondering what might have happend.

Good luck to you, hope it works out the way you want it.

martinguerre · 02-13-2005, 06:52 AM

Oh great. Thanks a lot, BOR. Now I've got your new avatar stuck in my head for rest of the day.

to the thread...tell her. if it's something she feels back, you should find that out so you can give the relationship a fighting chance. but if she's still in footloose/fancy-free mode, you need to know that too. heartbreak happens oh so easy that way.

Psycho Dad · 02-13-2005, 08:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Phaenx

I decide to tell her anyways regardless of my fears.[/i]

Good luck. If you don't tell her how you feel, she likely won't figure it out on her own. People need to communicate these things because we can't read each other's minds. Often it works out, and other times it doesn't. And also as Ratbastid mentioned, when it does, you make allowances for it. Again, good luck.

hunnychile · 02-13-2005, 09:05 AM

Tell her and don't think about fear. Love is the answer to whatever your question might be.

SpikeQX99 · 02-13-2005, 11:01 AM

Hey man, I wish that I had your brashness! To just tell her and not worry about the consequences.. Ahh how it would have saved me so much heartache and problems.

Good Luck.. Hope she sees how honest you are about this.

The best piece of advice I recieved about girls?? "Don't hesitate to ask... The most they can say is No..."

How true it is..

pinkie · 02-13-2005, 12:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bill O'Rights

Oh great. Thanks a lot, mal. Now I've got that stuck in my head for rest of the night.

To dream the impossible dream
To fight the unbeatable foe
To bear with unbearable sorrow
And to run where the brave dare not go
To right the unrightable wrong...

Hahaha... I was thinking the same thing.

Tell the girl your feelings... (girls love that stuff)

TexanAvenger · 02-13-2005, 06:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Phaenx

None of this is really a big deal. I don't know why I posted it, I guess I just wanted to get it off my chest. I'm going to tell her regardless of what council I recieve. The few months before I enter EE will be worth any fighting that may follow, if we break up then I guess it wasn't worth the trouble. I don't really care if she reacts harshly. It's more important that I am true to her, and for all of our sakes myself. I am a brash person and holding something like this back is a feeling that borders on physical pain. Whether or not she's ready to commit to me is a problem, but it would be cowardly to let it stop me. So I'm going to do it. Not tonight, she'll be drunk. Probably not tommorow, I won't see her in person. It'll just happen the next time I see her will be on Valentines day. So for all my gushy drama, I'm just going to end up a hokey dork. But at least she'll know how I feel.

For the record, I think for this more than anything else you do nothing less than rock. Brashness is by no means always a bad trait. In fact, I wish more of the world was as true and "brash" as you.

Go get her tiger.

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not be false to any (wo)man.

Phaenx · 02-15-2005, 05:59 PM

Yeah she was a little pissed.

I wrote her a letter, told her she was getting a letter with her card and she said the night before Valentines Day, "Please don't tell me you love me. Did you write you love me?" I said, "I did." She just kind of squeezed my hand and fell asleep. I gave her chocolates and a letter toting card when we went to dinner and she read my card while I wasn't there because she didn't want me to see her reaction. I wanted to be there so I could show her I didn't write her the letter because I couldn't say any of it, but I had to drive my own car down to her place so I could leave in the morning. I got there and we had a little talk. She said she didn't want to know and I told her not to ask me to keep that to myself.

She's not ready to devote herself to me because she's apparently afraid of something. As to what that is, I have no clue. I've been trying to figure it out for a while.

It's frustrating, I don't know where I am with her sometimes. She'll say a lot about how wonderful I am to her, how she feels safe with me, how hard she's fallen for me and how much her friends like me. She won't tell me what's going on with her though. I don't really know what to do about it since I have no clue what the problem is. She likes me, that's clear. I'll just have to figure out what's keeping her from me, maybe I'll ask her friend. Regardless, I'm going to stick around and give her some time to sort it out while I go to school. It would make me a very happy man to hear her tell me how she feels, but I'm not going to lose any sleep over it.

At the very least I got laid. So happy Valentines Day.

RallyEX · 02-15-2005, 07:39 PM

Well, all's well that ends well... I guess. In the end you still have her friendship / companionship.

I went through a similar situation prior to meeting my wife, and this girl had some issues... She was not ready to deal with them herself, let alone talk to me about them.

So we went our separate ways. Every once in a while, I wonder how she's doing... but soon forget because it just wasn't meant to be.

Good luck with everything.

TheFrogel · 02-17-2005, 01:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Phaenx

At the very least I got laid. So happy Valentines Day.

Well, that was an unexpected conclusion.

But yeah, it's a weird situation, eh? I'm in a similar situation (won't tell all, none of your business! :P) but she won't quite tell me everything, she won't quite commit one way or the other. Another similarity: I'm studying to be an engineer. But in the end, it'll make it that much more precious when she finally tells you what she wants to do. Only if it's for the better, though.

Anyway, good luck and such!

03-10-2005, 05:03 AM

i don't think you should tell her you love her, but i think you should kind of hint at it. obvioulsy if she's afriad of getting more involved with you, she has the capability to love you; and if you bring that out in her, she won't have any other choice but than to be faithfull to you. but making her want that kind of relationship is really a game more than anything... and if you realize that, then you have the upper hand. subtle hints like wanting to kick that guys ass is good, but if you actually followed through with it, she'd just be really upset and it would make her a lot less likely to want to keep you for her own. if you showed her you loved her without actually saying "i love you", and playing the "i don't expect you to care about me" card, and acting tough about your pain but still making it obvious it's there, there's a chance she'll feel more like she'd want to be there for you. do you know what i mean? i can't tell if i make sense or not. i think i can elaborate if you ever read this response, or care for me to elaborate

squirrelyburt · 03-10-2005, 06:51 AM

You can either live life or live in regret. You sound like you are both in the process of planning your lives and if you are meant to struggle through the hard years together, so be it. Good luck!!

02-12-2005, 08:27 PM	#1 (permalink)
Phaenx The Northern Ward Location: Columbus, Ohio	Would it be kinder not to tell her I love her? About five months ago I met a girl. She was a friend of a friend and we talked for many months before I took her out on our first date. I remember it like it happened yesterday. She first came in with her sister and another girl when my friend signed up to work in the shoe department at Sears. She's beautiful, there's not a lot about her I don't love, but I won't go into that. I talked with her briefly that day, as I would continue to do for a long time until she too got a job working there. I'd see her at break every once in a while, but one day on particular she gave me her IM handle and things began to happen between us. I would take her out when she was bored and we would talk. The first date we had led back to her place where we promptly made out. She must have felt safe enough with me, or horny enough, I don't know but I was able to seal the deal after talking to her a bit more. From that first date on the relationship was pretty much I'd take her out somewhere and then we'd mess around, or I'd just go to her house and mess around. She didn't want to commit to any single guy though was the thing. The second time I saw her she said what we had at the time probably wouldn't progress past what it was right then and there. At the time, that was fine with me. I have five or six years of college ahead of me and I'm studying to become an Electrical Engineer. When I get into my major I'll be studying so much I wouldn't be able to see a girlfriend very often, once a week maybe. It wouldn't be kind to fall in love and then do that to someone. Regardless, she didn't want to fall in love with anyone either. She is taking a year off of school to figure a few things out, to be with her friends and live a little before finishing college and having to start being responsible. Somehow a boyfriend doesn't fit into her plans. Because of that she's afraid of me. Afraid that she's falling in love with me and I'll put an end to her plans. She wants to travel, get a column in the Chicago Tribune and live downtown. No kids, no nothing, just her and her friends. That's why she didn't want to seriously see anyone. True to her word about a week later she told me she got really drunk and made out with one of her many male friends. By this time I had some feelings for the girl and I was a little hurt, but I knew the deal so I didn't say anything. I was determined to kick the guys ass if I ever met him again, but that's besides the point. I stuck around. I stuck around and we've grown on one another. It's been a while and nothing's happened since, so I began to wonder. Flash forward to last week. I make a distinctive face when I'm lost in thought. I was laying on my back, she must have been sleeping with her head resting on my chest and saw me scowling at the ceiling. Then the classic question was raised, "What are you thinking?" I had just began to ponder something very important regarding her, I wasn't ready to say anything yet so I said, "I'll tell you later." The truth was that I was defining the word love. To love a woman, as I put it, was a deep subconcious feeling of unity. A person who lights up your day, whom you just can't get enough of. Would you fight for her? Would you be faithful, always, no matter the circumstances? Could you be patient with her for the rest of your life? I spent some time wondering about things like that. I'm a quixotic young man as it turns out. The answer was yes, I could do all that and I do love this girl. That was surprisingly the easy part. I've had girlfriends before, plenty. There's just something about this one that's turned me into a giant sissy. I've never told a girl I loved her. I don't use the word lightly, but there's nothing more I'd like to do but to tell her how I feel. The problem is the whole disciplined study habit thing. I won't see her much after that and that'll cause trouble down the road. What's more, I'm not sure how she's going to react. She likes me a lot and feels safe with me, but people are a little wierd about that word especially in our situation. Finally, I wanted to wait until she's ready to seriously start seeing me. That I think I have, I refer to her as my girlfriend, she got mad one time when someone called her my girl and I said she wasn't (I said quickly after "she's her own woman." looked at her and said, "saved!" she laughed). So that's not a big deal. None of this is really a big deal. I don't know why I posted it, I guess I just wanted to get it off my chest. I'm going to tell her regardless of what council I recieve. The few months before I enter EE will be worth any fighting that may follow, if we break up then I guess it wasn't worth the trouble. I don't really care if she reacts harshly. It's more important that I am true to her, and for all of our sakes myself. I am a brash person and holding something like this back is a feeling that borders on physical pain. Whether or not she's ready to commit to me is a problem, but it would be cowardly to let it stop me. So I'm going to do it. Not tonight, she'll be drunk. Probably not tommorow, I won't see her in person. It'll just happen the next time I see her will be on Valentines day. So for all my gushy drama, I'm just going to end up a hokey dork. But at least she'll know how I feel. Thanks for listening to me, please wish me luck. Summary for lazy people: I met and fell in love with a girl. Girl falls in love with me after assorted drama. Girl inquires about my thoughts one night. Said thoughts being whether I love her or not. I do love her, but don't know if I should tell her. I decide to tell her anyways regardless of my fears. __________________ "I went shopping last night at like 1am. The place was empty and this old woman just making polite conversation said to me, 'where is everyone??' I replied, 'In bed, same place you and I should be!' Took me ten minutes to figure out why she gave me a dirty look." --Some guy Last edited by Phaenx; 02-12-2005 at 08:32 PM..

02-12-2005, 10:24 PM	#5 (permalink)
Bill O'Rights will always be an Alyson Hanniganite Location: In the dust of the archives	Oh great. Thanks a lot, mal. Now I've got that stuck in my head for rest of the night. To dream the impossible dream To fight the unbeatable foe To bear with unbearable sorrow And to run where the brave dare not go To right the unrightable wrong... __________________ "I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do because I notice it always coincides with their own desires." - Susan B. Anthony "Hedonism with rules isn't hedonism at all, it's the Republican party." - JumpinJesus It is indisputable that true beauty lies within...but a nice rack sure doesn't hurt.

02-13-2005, 01:34 AM	#7 (permalink)
Cervantes Psycho Location: Above you	Better tell her, it's the best thing to do in your situation. You don't want to go through several years of studies regretting not telling her and wondering what might have happend. Good luck to you, hope it works out the way you want it. __________________ - "Philosophy is questions that may never be answered. Religion is answers that may never be questioned.." - "Religions take everything that your DNA naturally wants to do to survive and pro-create and makes it wrong." - "There is only one absolute truth and that is that there is only one absolute truth."

02-13-2005, 06:52 AM	#8 (permalink)
martinguerre whosoever Location: New England	Oh great. Thanks a lot, BOR. Now I've got your new avatar stuck in my head for rest of the day. to the thread...tell her. if it's something she feels back, you should find that out so you can give the relationship a fighting chance. but if she's still in footloose/fancy-free mode, you need to know that too. heartbreak happens oh so easy that way. __________________ For God so loved creation, that God sent God's only Son that whosoever believed should not perish, but have everlasting life. -John 3:16

02-13-2005, 09:05 AM	#10 (permalink)
hunnychile Alien Anthropologist Location: Between Boredom and Nirvana	Tell her and don't think about fear. Love is the answer to whatever your question might be. __________________ "I need compassion, understanding and chocolate." - NJB

02-12-2005, 08:33 PM	#2 (permalink)
Carno Junkie	Yep, I think you have to tell her. Make sure you let us know how it turns out, I will be interested

02-12-2005, 08:58 PM	#4 (permalink)
ratbastid Darth Papa Location: Yonder	Good luck! Also, re the school and plans and love not fitting into it, here's the deal: when you're in love, you work things like that out.

02-13-2005, 12:50 AM	#6 (permalink)
ironmaiden7o7 Insane Location: NYC	I think it's fair that you tell her. Wouldn't you want to know?

02-13-2005, 11:01 AM	#11 (permalink)
SpikeQX99 The Best thing that never happened to you Location: Silverdale, WA	Hey man, I wish that I had your brashness! To just tell her and not worry about the consequences.. Ahh how it would have saved me so much heartache and problems. Good Luck.. Hope she sees how honest you are about this. The best piece of advice I recieved about girls?? "Don't hesitate to ask... The most they can say is No..." How true it is.. __________________ I'm so in love with a girl... she is my everything

02-15-2005, 05:59 PM	#14 (permalink)
Phaenx The Northern Ward Location: Columbus, Ohio	Yeah she was a little pissed. I wrote her a letter, told her she was getting a letter with her card and she said the night before Valentines Day, "Please don't tell me you love me. Did you write you love me?" I said, "I did." She just kind of squeezed my hand and fell asleep. I gave her chocolates and a letter toting card when we went to dinner and she read my card while I wasn't there because she didn't want me to see her reaction. I wanted to be there so I could show her I didn't write her the letter because I couldn't say any of it, but I had to drive my own car down to her place so I could leave in the morning. I got there and we had a little talk. She said she didn't want to know and I told her not to ask me to keep that to myself. She's not ready to devote herself to me because she's apparently afraid of something. As to what that is, I have no clue. I've been trying to figure it out for a while. It's frustrating, I don't know where I am with her sometimes. She'll say a lot about how wonderful I am to her, how she feels safe with me, how hard she's fallen for me and how much her friends like me. She won't tell me what's going on with her though. I don't really know what to do about it since I have no clue what the problem is. She likes me, that's clear. I'll just have to figure out what's keeping her from me, maybe I'll ask her friend. Regardless, I'm going to stick around and give her some time to sort it out while I go to school. It would make me a very happy man to hear her tell me how she feels, but I'm not going to lose any sleep over it. At the very least I got laid. So happy Valentines Day. __________________ "I went shopping last night at like 1am. The place was empty and this old woman just making polite conversation said to me, 'where is everyone??' I replied, 'In bed, same place you and I should be!' Took me ten minutes to figure out why she gave me a dirty look." --Some guy Last edited by Phaenx; 02-15-2005 at 06:09 PM..

02-15-2005, 07:39 PM	#15 (permalink)
RallyEX Tilted Location: Southeast Ohio	Well, all's well that ends well... I guess. In the end you still have her friendship / companionship. I went through a similar situation prior to meeting my wife, and this girl had some issues... She was not ready to deal with them herself, let alone talk to me about them. So we went our separate ways. Every once in a while, I wonder how she's doing... but soon forget because it just wasn't meant to be. Good luck with everything.

03-10-2005, 05:03 AM	#17 (permalink)
kitsune Guest	i don't think you should tell her you love her, but i think you should kind of hint at it. obvioulsy if she's afriad of getting more involved with you, she has the capability to love you; and if you bring that out in her, she won't have any other choice but than to be faithfull to you. but making her want that kind of relationship is really a game more than anything... and if you realize that, then you have the upper hand. subtle hints like wanting to kick that guys ass is good, but if you actually followed through with it, she'd just be really upset and it would make her a lot less likely to want to keep you for her own. if you showed her you loved her without actually saying "i love you", and playing the "i don't expect you to care about me" card, and acting tough about your pain but still making it obvious it's there, there's a chance she'll feel more like she'd want to be there for you. do you know what i mean? i can't tell if i make sense or not. i think i can elaborate if you ever read this response, or care for me to elaborate

03-10-2005, 06:51 AM	#18 (permalink)
squirrelyburt Crazy Location: Central Wisconsin	You can either live life or live in regret. You sound like you are both in the process of planning your lives and if you are meant to struggle through the hard years together, so be it. Good luck!! __________________ If you've ever felt there was a reason to be afraid of the dark, you were right.