A Blog Worth Reading or Movie Treatments of the Damned - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

trickyy · 01-24-2005, 08:08 PM

just found this, it's pretty funny. movie industry worker recounts the strange pitches that he receives.

"Actual, honest to god query letters I've received in Hollywood."
http://queryletters.blogspot.com/

Quote:

"Title: Evil People
Genre: Horror

How you dress is how you die.

Synesthesia occurs when one of the five senses is aroused, yet two respond. A synesth killer chooses it's victims by colors of clothes they wear and how they sound, which arouses second senses that makes them kill them. FBI agents catch the killer with the help of a synesth on death row. Silence of the Lambs meets Scent of a Woman."
------------------------------
"Four centuries in the future - Earth's atmosphere decimated - population out of control - suicide becomes legalized - one man loses all meaning - he decides to sign - but changes his mind - and has to run to stay alive."

Genre: Science Fiction

Alfred Chen Samuel is a ruling elite who lives for his sole source of warmth, his family, in a frighteningly stratified and cutthroat society only to have his wife, daughter and unborn sun perish instantly in a fiery crash. Alone in a frightening world, he decides to sign a suicide contract. Too impatient to wait for the contract, he throws himself in front of a speeding train, but is heroically saved. His savior's dying request - find and tell his brother what happened. But the state now ready to execute the contract forces Alfred into a moment of decision: fulfill his contract and end his own pain or run for his life and fulfill his savior's dying wish. He decides to honor the sacrifice. The media catches wind of the pursuit and coins it: Suicide Run.

141 pages - industry formatted with Movie Magic Screenwriter - SUICIDE RUN awaits."
----------------------------
TITLE: 'Ready or Not'.

LOGLINE: A comedy about a kid who's so good at hide-and-seek that nobody finds him for 20 years."
----------------------------
LOGLINE:

When the Vice-President makes a deal with carnivorous aliens who chew the human race into near-extinction, a resourceful inventor and two equally-brilliant young women struggle to protect the survivors and lead them to safety.

SYNOPSIS:

The Vice-President makes a corrupt deal with a carnivorous race of aliens, nearly decimating Earth's human population. But one survivor may have the technological skills and resourcefulness to save the rest of us from extinction. Ensconced with his two female colleagues in a 26-wheeled truck-trailer made of impervium and armed with pulse cannons and phasic missiles, Jake Holiday fights his way across the North American continent in search of safe harbor for the survivors.
---------------------------
Here's two loglines that are for movies that are actually in development. From today's trades:

"Set in the 21st century, the Tripods have conquered Earth and enslaved the human race by implanting a mind-controlling device in the heads of everyone over fifteen.

"A young girl from a Brazilian village realizes that it's impossible to own anybody except by touching their soul during a sexual encounter, the average duration of which is eleven minutes."

there's a lot more. scary that this guy is able to post (several) almost daily.

skier · 01-24-2005, 08:12 PM

You know, the suicide one isn't that bad. It would make a horrible movie, but I think it would be a medicore novel. Something I might read.

guthmund · 01-24-2005, 09:26 PM

You could probably combine all of them for a really shitty made for tv movie. Like...and stay with me, folks...

Title: Evil Suicide Run: Ready or Not

Logline: One man, who has lost everything, will give up nothing to stop a madman to save humanity for everyone left after his Evil Suicide Run: Ready or Not.

Synopsis:
Alfred Chen Samuel finds forbidden love after the death of his wife and kids in the arms of a young Brazillian girl, who promises him eternal soul-touching bliss if he can fulfill her every need in around 11 minutes. Realizing that at his best he is still upwards of nine minutes shy, he decides to enter a suicide pact with his government. Caught in bureacratic tape, Alfred Chen Samuel decides to take matters into his own hands and chooses to stand in front of a bullet train only to be saved at the last minute by a loveable wandering hobo named Scruff. Scruff, who is dying from cancer, insists that incredibly sharp dressing aliens have tampered with the minds of every citizen over 15 to turn them into fashion assassins in an effort to kill all those with bad fashion sense. Scruff urges Alfred Chen Samuel (charasmatically played, by the way, by Jackie Chan, Jet Li, or Chow Yun-Fat. Surely one of them will be free as they seem to take turns playing nearly every 'asian man' role in every movie from Hollywood) to save the world from the invading aliens in league with the insiduosly evil Vice President. Commandeering a 26-wheeled tractor trailer made of Impervium, the only two attractive female scientists who can stop the alien invasion, and armed only with his wits, one man begins his suicide run to Washington D.C. to stop the madness and save....humanity.

Tell me that shit wouldn't sell.

trickyy · 01-24-2005, 10:32 PM

yeah, "One man, who has lost everything, will give up nothing" surprisingsly doesn't violate the logic of movie trailer voiceovers.

not all the posts sound terrible...the suicide story wasn't that bad until he mentioned the stuffed snuffleupagus

lite campfire · 01-24-2005, 11:09 PM

Quote:

"Set in the 21st century, the Tripods have conquered Earth and enslaved the human race by implanting a mind-controlling device in the heads of everyone over fifteen.

They're making a movie out of the Tripods trilogy? I can't see that not sucking, even if the books seemed good the last time I read them.

CSflim · 01-25-2005, 11:04 AM

Holy shit guthmund! You're a fucking genius man!

Redlemon · 01-25-2005, 11:14 AM

Quote:

"Title: Evil People
Genre: Horror

How you dress is how you die.

Synesthesia occurs when one of the five senses is aroused, yet two respond. A synesth killer chooses it's victims by colors of clothes they wear and how they sound, which arouses second senses that makes them kill them. FBI agents catch the killer with the help of a synesth on death row. Silence of the Lambs meets Scent of a Woman."

I read this one already... it was GOLEM 100 by Alfred Bester, published 1980. Or, at least pretty close.

Charlatan · 01-25-2005, 12:13 PM

You think this is bad... just think about the piles of crappy films that actually get made... most of which are never seen by anyone but the filmmakers friends and families and acquisitions executives like me...

guthmund · 01-25-2005, 01:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CSflim

Holy shit guthmund! You're a fucking genius man!

Thanks

What can I say? I know crap.

And that kids is what sleep deprivation and nicotine will do for you.

trickyy · 01-25-2005, 01:44 PM

i can't resist, here are some more picks

Quote:

"Two die-hard 'Big Trouble in Little China' fans are on a quest to recover Kurt Russell's tank top after being outbid at an online auction."
--------------------
"I would like to introduce to you my newest and unique animation script entitled THE BUGZ! It's the story about two bugs that try to persuade a shattered Brazilian script writer, who's a loser, to write a script about all bugs, turning them into heroes!"
--------------------
Best. Endorsement. Ever.
"Jerry Connelly, the father of Oscar winner Jennifer Connelly, is currently reviewing the manuscript."
--------------------
"Carl Flue, a Los Angeles detective who suffers from a paralyzing fear of knives, must face down an ancient Aztec sacrificial knife that has possessed the minds of several people and turned them into invincible killers that serve the knife's bloodlust."
--------------------
"THE GREATEST STORY NEVER TOLD: broad comedy that centers around how Jesus invents the game of professional football as told by Father O’Ryan in order to prevent the Irish grandfatherly priest from being transferred to Siberia."
--------------------
This one's getting made...
"After he is beaten into a coma by some young thugs, a teenage boy's spirit tries desperately to communicate with his attackers and convince them to tell the police where they have hidden his body."

Redlemon · 01-25-2005, 02:14 PM

Let me guess...

Quote:

"I would like to introduce to you my newest and unique animation script entitled THE BUGZ! It's the story about two bugs that try to persuade a shattered Brazilian script writer, who's a loser, to write a script about all bugs, turning them into heroes!"

...write what you know?

01-24-2005, 08:12 PM	#2 (permalink)
skier Rawr! Location: Edmontania	You know, the suicide one isn't that bad. It would make a horrible movie, but I think it would be a medicore novel. Something I might read. __________________ "Asking a bomb squad if an old bomb is still "real" is not the best thing to do if you want to save it." - denim

01-24-2005, 09:26 PM	#3 (permalink)
guthmund big damn hero	You could probably combine all of them for a really shitty made for tv movie. Like...and stay with me, folks... Title: Evil Suicide Run: Ready or Not Logline: One man, who has lost everything, will give up nothing to stop a madman to save humanity for everyone left after his Evil Suicide Run: Ready or Not. Synopsis: Alfred Chen Samuel finds forbidden love after the death of his wife and kids in the arms of a young Brazillian girl, who promises him eternal soul-touching bliss if he can fulfill her every need in around 11 minutes. Realizing that at his best he is still upwards of nine minutes shy, he decides to enter a suicide pact with his government. Caught in bureacratic tape, Alfred Chen Samuel decides to take matters into his own hands and chooses to stand in front of a bullet train only to be saved at the last minute by a loveable wandering hobo named Scruff. Scruff, who is dying from cancer, insists that incredibly sharp dressing aliens have tampered with the minds of every citizen over 15 to turn them into fashion assassins in an effort to kill all those with bad fashion sense. Scruff urges Alfred Chen Samuel (charasmatically played, by the way, by Jackie Chan, Jet Li, or Chow Yun-Fat. Surely one of them will be free as they seem to take turns playing nearly every 'asian man' role in every movie from Hollywood) to save the world from the invading aliens in league with the insiduosly evil Vice President. Commandeering a 26-wheeled tractor trailer made of Impervium, the only two attractive female scientists who can stop the alien invasion, and armed only with his wits, one man begins his suicide run to Washington D.C. to stop the madness and save....humanity. Tell me that shit wouldn't sell. __________________ No signature. None. Seriously. Last edited by guthmund; 01-24-2005 at 09:39 PM..

01-25-2005, 11:04 AM	#6 (permalink)
CSflim Sky Piercer Location: Ireland	Holy shit guthmund! You're a fucking genius man! __________________

01-25-2005, 12:13 PM	#8 (permalink)
Charlatan Getting it. Super Moderator Location: Lion City	You think this is bad... just think about the piles of crappy films that actually get made... most of which are never seen by anyone but the filmmakers friends and families and acquisitions executives like me... __________________ "My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars." - Old Man Luedecke

01-24-2005, 10:32 PM	#4 (permalink)
trickyy ►	yeah, "One man, who has lost everything, will give up nothing" surprisingsly doesn't violate the logic of movie trailer voiceovers. not all the posts sound terrible...the suicide story wasn't that bad until he mentioned the stuffed snuffleupagus