clavus

My friend and I were discussing food-poisoning yesterday, and it made me think, "Did I ever tell the fine folks on TFP about the time I had food poisoning?"

I don't think I did.

If you’ve never had food poisoning, you have no idea what you are missing. Imagine your worst hangover. Now multiply it by about a million. Then stick an ice pick in your eye and fall down a flight of stairs while an angry biker (i.e. Rock_Ogre) beats you about the head and shoulders with a bag of nickels. You’re starting to get the idea.

I had food poisoning. I knew exactly how I got it. After cleaning numerous raw shrimp, I consumed finger food. I did not wash my hands between the shrimp-cleaning and the food-eating. I was beer-drinking. I poisoned my own stupid, drunken self. And I paid the price…and then some.

The really pathetic thing about being poisoned is that both ends of your body require the use of the same space, often at the same time. And while you really really want to put your head over the toilet bowl before you hang your ass over it, it’s not always practical to do so. Eventually you realize that it’s a moot point. Your face is exactly where your ass was moments ago.

So there I was, curled up on the bathroom floor, shivering, sweating, gathering enough strength for the next round of the head/ass toilet dance, when it occurred to me – this bathroom was really clean. It was spotless. It smelled of cleaning agents. Of all the bathrooms in the world to spend eight miserable hours, thank God I got this one.

My beautiful, goddess wife had cleaned the bathroom the previous evening.

A few hours into the ordeal, I noticed something else. My wife left a large plastic cup out for me. Eventually I used this cup to take sips of water. Of course, the water came right back up; but still, it was nice. Food poisoning is dehydrating.

As the hours wore on, I was able to take deeper drinks of water - drinks that stayed down. I drank a lot of water. The cold sweats subsided. I was able to walk again. I was able to breathe without getting nausea and open my eyes without pain. I had thoroughly violated the newly-cleaned bathroom, but it was over.

The next day, my wife-goddess asked me about my ordeal. It was the worst conversation I have ever had in my life.

“Where did you find that plastic cup?”

“Oh, I thought you left it out for me to use.”

“Dear, that’s the cup I keep the toilet brush in. I must have left it out when I was cleaning the bathrooms. You didn’t drink out of it did you?!”

The toilet brush.

Dear God, I drank from the toilet-brush cup.

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Glory's Sun

omfg that's priceless as always you present another classic story!!

ShaniFaye

I was SO needing a clavus story....thanks for the laugh hon!!

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I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

clavus

You betcha! What good is my suffering if it can't bring others joy?

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Coppertop

Yikes, that sucks.

Blasphemy.

Aaahahahahahha!! I haven't laughed that hard in a long time.

You have the greatest stories, everytime I see a thread that is made by you, my eyes light up and I go and read.

Good story man.

guthmund

Oh, that is classic!

I sympathize. I had food poisoning once. Aside from the whole toilet brush cocktail you were having, it sounds like you took it a whole lot better than I did.

Thanks, clavus, that made my day.

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Stiltzkin

Did drinking from the toilet brush cup cause further illness?

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Jolt

dood...your life and your anecdotes make me realize just how boring most of us are.

spindles

I think I'm dehydrated now from all the tears of laughter rolling down my face

I don't think there is anything worse than having both ends pouring out like a tap (faucet).

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Grasshopper Green

That was funny. It's the first story I've read by you, I'll definitely be on the lookout for future threads.

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amonkie

I saw food poisoning and my own memories came back..... Did the charcoal pills hit you too? But oh, the toilet bowl... *wipes tears from my eyes *

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K-Wise

Oh man thats just too funny.

Asta!!

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maleficent

Now the beautiful goddess wife mentioned in your story is your current wife?

Food poisoning is the worst -- the chemicals in the toilet cup probably helped to cure you .. .

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CinnamonGirl

Y'know, I didn't know food poisoning could be so funny

(okay, I've had it, and I know it's not funny at the TIME...but...yeah )

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bermuDa

the thought of drinking from the toilet brush cup would send me into a relapse of stomach evacuation

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Ishmal

HeeHeeHee. i'm like medusa99... thats the first fish-story i've read... but judging from other ppls responses i should be on the look-out for them!!!
by the way, thanx 4 posting that clavus... its a funny story.

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Mephisto2

Clavus is funny.

Mrs Mephisto and I both got struck by food poisoning once. We know where we got it too. A dodgy quiche at a rather up market hotel whilst driving home from a holiday in rural Ireland. No matter.

As you say Clavus, perhaps one of the worst things about it is the ass/head switcheroo, usually in rapid, too rapid, succession.

In fact, I distinctly remember one particular seizure when, sitting on the toilet and releasing what can only be called liquid (it felt like I was forcing my own warm blood out of my ass at high pressure), when I actually barfed between my legs... while I was still shitting.

Having your own bodily foods (precious, toxic, digestive or faecic) expelled from both ends of your body at the same time is one of the most frightful, revolting and downright curious feelings you'll ever have.

What's worse, after each visit to the bathroom, the other person was banging on the door shouting "Hurry up! Open the fucking door! It's MY turn... Quick, quick... Oh Sweet Jesus, open the door..."

A couple of cycles of this and there is no time left to clean the floor or flush the toilet before the next round. And by the time one person was finished (usually not even finished), the other was back at the door desperately seeking access, praying they wouldn't soil the bedroom carpet.

At one stage, Mrs Mephisto and I were in there together (thankfully long after our nether regions were flushed of all matter, solid, semi-solid and downright liquid), both leaning over the toilet bowl, heaving, puking, then dry heaving together. I remember looking over at her, moving a bit of puke plastered hair from her cheek, dabbing a dribble of sick from her face and saying "You know, if we don't married after this, then let's never speak of it again..."

We did, and occasionally for a laugh, we do.



No toilet cup for us though. Fuck man, that was funny. Absolutely cringe inducing, but funny.



Mr Mephisto

spectre

I've had food poisoning, and I didn't think anyone could ever make that funny. Leave it to clavus to prove me wrong. That's just another classic from you, and I have to say thank you, because I can't stop laughing.

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Zeraph

I laughed, I cried...wait no I didn't, but I laughed. Thanks for sharing your misfortune. And now I know what's worse than having food poisoning, having food poisoning at the same time as someone else.

Asuka{eve}

All of Clavus's stories should be compiled into a book.

Tidus

I got poisoned by the damn fetachine..lol I cant spell..

fhqwhgads

Great f'in story Clavus. You inspire me. I could learn a lot from a great story-teller like you. I'll bring the cheese log if you bring the bag of frozen cat rectums.


Mmm... rectums.

flamingdog

What's wrong with you people? Why don't you sit on the pot with a bucket between your feet? Then you don't have to stick your face in your ass-funk to puke. Admittedly, I've never had food poisoning, but I had a pretty nasty stomach bug once that saw me squatting on the potty ejecting what felt like rusty water out of my backside up to six times a day for a week.

The bathroom smelled like burnt rubber when I was done.

Fremen

/note to self...don't read clavus and fhqwhgads threads on the same day; your belly can't handle it...

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bermuDa

You know I was thinking the same thing, but I guess sometimes in times of emergency the best laid plans can go to waste... and if you're on the road chances are you neglected to bring your bucket.

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Bill O'Rights

I was just about to post that exact same sentence. Dave Barry's got nothing on our Clavus.

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denim

Yeah, when you're having the heaves at both ends, you don't have time to do much thinking. Feeling like shit would be an improvement over what's going on and you're lucky if you manage to keep the stuff off the floor.

Been there, done that, washed the t-shirt. ...called for an ambulence, which came with a cop 'cause of where I was living at the time (not the best neighborhood). By the time they got there, it was subsiding a bit. Still, I greeted the cop and the EMT stark naked and not in the best... er... condition.

Cynthetiq

see that's why I have a problem with calling Ralph on the big white phone....

nose hanging out in the same airspace that the ass was just hovering in...

thank goodness you didn't get sick from the toilet brush water...

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Cadwiz

What doesn't kill you, only makes us laugh.. er, I mean, makes you stronger.

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Xell101

A story about how you poisoned you stupid, drunken self ended off with "Dear god, I drank from the toilet-brush cup." You could certainyl compile these stories of yours into a book, or at the very least send them into Read Digest or some periodical similarly interested in acquiring humorous bits of material.

clavus

I applied to be Dave Barry's replacement. I didn't even get a rejection letter. I sent cartoons to Playboy, and they gave me a rejection NOTE. Not even a letter, a frickin tiny little 2" X 4" scrap of paper.

So until one of you takes over the publishing world, TFP is the place for me. No book deals (oh ya, I got a rejection letter from Simon & Schuster too), no newspaper, no magazine. Nothin but TFP.

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maleficent

Their loss is our gain... We'll show you the love...

And you don't have to clean up your language fror us either... We love ya just as you is...

Not getting a rejection letter sucks, a few years back I applied to be head coach of the NY Giants (this was right after the Ray Handley fiasco) I Still ahve my rejection letter...

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Cadwiz

I guess we will just have to enjoy your stories until the time comes for you to be unleashed on society.

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absorbentishe

What a sad adventure this must have been. I think we've all been in that position at least once in our life. The only time that happened to me, I grabbed the potty chair for child, and puked in there, but it couldn't hold it all. Oh man, my wife was pissed.

Thanks for sharing the story... We're only laughing with you, you know!

Thunderball

im sorry har har my guts are coming thre my mouth from laughing aha ha oh stop it hurts....my wife went threw the same thing only it lasted a week ......ouch

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yellowchef

man I LOVE Dave Barry, he was the only reason I even flip through the Miami Herald.

ah well funny story though...

food posioning hurts.

TexanAvenger

It's almost enough to make me want to take over the publishing world. If it's any consolation, I think any TFPer would take you and fhqwhgads over Barry and the rest of the publishing world any day.

Fly

the joy i felt was from your story.........i felt no joy for your suffering though......that had to have sucked major..........


glad you pulled through allright........

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FngKestrel

Holy shit, I'm reading the funny quotes thread http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/showthr...0&page=1&pp=40, and Clavus, your quotes keep coming up. I'm dying here laughing. You are the definition of schadenfreude.