chelle21689

I was with my ex for 5 1/2 years and he was a big talker while I am more of a listener. I have learned to voice my opinion a lot more since I've dated him though. I think that people that talk a lot bring that part out of me but also sometimes I get so bored hearing that person ramble on while I listen for several minutes without being able to say much.

I met a guy last month and he is the complete opposite of my ex. He's a lot more laid-back, sensitive, and reserved. He does try to initiate conversation, keep it going, and all that but he doesn't give me all his thoughts and feelings on a subject. He'll tell me what he thinks but doesn't elaborate and it's hard for him.

I notice when I'm with his friends, they're all very loud and talkative. He'll mostly listen and make comments. Even I talk a lot more to his friends than him. We went out Friday night for the first time alone instead of a group and we seem to hit it off and have a blast...talking non stop and joking. Went out again the next night Saturday and he was reserved and there were some silences.

I usually don't have a problem talking to people at all. I don't know why with him sometimes it is hard. I don't know if he is scared to voice his thoughts and opinions or what? You know how some people can go on about how much they hate or love something...I mean we both like the same music, food, travel, adventure, and come from the same background. I've never dated anyone but ONE guy...so this is a very very new experience to me.

I keep wondering if it's just how he is with people or if it's just US. Because if it's just how he is with people then I'd be fine but by us not being able to talk a lot non stop about various subjects then I'm worried it means we aren't going to work. We've been talking every night for about an hour or two for a month now. We can carry on conversations but it's not DEEP. He once tried bringing up my ex and I tried asking about his afterward and he was very vague. It was like he had all these thoughts but didn't say much. I was like "Don't be afraid to tell me what you're thinking" and he said "I really don't have anything else to say though"

Everything else about him is perfect though. I know I'm really attracted and I feel that he is getting attached by his actions. Oh and the funny thing is he told me a few times how much he likes talking to me and really enjoys it. Like I said, if this is how he is with past gfs then I'm fine with it but I'm not entirely sure how he was with them.

We have the same views and like the same things but I can't get him to go on and on about it. It can't be that we both have too much in common on what we believe in because my ex and I were still able to have conversations.

Zeraph

I think so, it means there isn't a connection for most people.

On the other hand, that's not always true. Case in point, me. I like to listen, and don't do small talk much. I only say something if its important or funny usually.

dlish

Im a little quiet sometimes depending who im around. i may sound quiet around noisy and rowdy people, but around others im sometimes noisy. it really depends on the comfort level in the environment that you're in.

since this is a new relationship, maybe you shouldnt make any conclusions just yet. just try working on communication. make sure it's not talk for the sake of talking, but rather conversation that is natural and comfortable. only then will you really know if he's naturally quiet.

just one other though that just popped up though - one month is a really short time to get serious with someone. maybe you're freaking him out so much he's gone quiet?

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chelle21689

I wanted to stay single but now I think I'm developing some feelings here and worried about the future now. I'm just wondering why sometimes I feel a connection where we can talk and joke around... and sometimes I feel there isn't when we're quiet. Some days are good some days aren't.

genuinegirly

It's a very special link when a quiet person finds another wallflower to love. Long stretches of silence are comforting rather than awkward. I married a man who can at times be outgoing and carry a conversation, as I can when I see a need. But we are both introverts at heart and we spend many wonderful evenings in relative silence, speaking when we have something to say, but mainly enjoying the peaceful comfort of the life we have built together.

Yes, silence can be a wonderful thing.

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KirStang

Stop overthinking it.

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eribrav

Great post.
To the OP: No matter how wonderful you may be it would be like pulling teeth for me to talk to you on the phone for 2 hours every night. I just wouldn't enjoy it.
Like GG said, silence can be golden. My wife and I can be together for hours without speaking a single word yet we couldn't be any closer.
Granted that's not a state your relationship will reach after only a month.
Be patient.

Zeraph

Awesome. I love hearing things like this.

chelle21689

I guess I'm just used to my loud ex. I mean of course we had "quiet" time. So I shouldn't worry if we have something to talk about some days and some days no?

I prefer to talk for a little bit each day. Not an hour or two haha.

monkeysugar

No, you shouldn't worry about that. It's normal, and it is much better than talking for the sake of talking. Also, if you're going to dwell on his being quiet, leave him out of it. Otherwise he's just going to get pissed off and stop answering the phone.

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chelle21689

LOL Inconsistent!! I wanted to let you guys know we talked for 2 hours and it was really good. But I know the next time it'll be dull again. It's like an on and off thing where it seems like we have nothing to say. I guess when that happens I wonder if there's something wrong.

bagatelle

If he's working and has other hobbies, I think 2 hours a day might take up quite a lot of that freetime. As your relationship is this young, he might not yet be willing to pour his heart out about everything, it's hard to come up with a lot of general stuff to talk about, so that it would be natural.

It will be different when living together, because you can do other things while talking, when you aren't on the phone.

Two hours on the phone would wear me out. If this is daily, it might feel a bit obsessive.

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Fremen

Does he have a twin? With a goatee, perhaps?

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dlish

why dont you try reducing the amount of time you talk to him every night to say 45 mins. that way you can spread what you have to say over 3 days, and you'll save yourself those 'quiet moments'

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flat5

Talk to his friends. Find out if his behavior is consistent.

StanT

Just a different personality.

Some people just like to hear themselves speak, I do not. I'm not sure I've ever had a 2 hour telephone conversation (outside of dumbass conference calls at work). It doesn't mean that I'm not interested or don't care. I just favor eloquence and brevity.

Cynthetiq

I'll echo KirStang. Stop overthinking it. It is what it is and is perfect the way that it comes out as it is, even if it seems wrong.

It seems that you have a good amount of anxiety about your relationships. Why not give the anxiety a break and just let the relationship be what it is going to be as it unfolds?

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Lindy

Well said, gg. I'm an introvert as well, and I find find people who need to talk constantly tiresome. And even if not tiresome, then tireING, they just wear me out! Especially the constant chatter about TV shows and celebrities. Even complete airheads seem to excel at gossiping.
And no, my silence does not mean that I'm mad at you. I once had a boyfriend who thought that my silence meant that something was bothering me. No! No! No! Sometimes you extraverts just don't "get it" about us.

chelle21689, I think that you got conditioned by 5+ years with your chatterbox ex to think that constant blathering is normal. Apparently for your new guy, it is not. I enjoy people like that.

Lindy
Q: What did the one introvert say to the other?
A: Nothing, of course.

Ourcrazymodern?

I really want to say something but I don't know you well enough...

Jabberers don't tend to make effective conversation.

Patience!

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chelle21689

Well, I honestly try to limit the amount of time we talk because he texts and calls me every night. I try to make it short sometimes.

And yeah, I do tend to over analyze relationships for some reason. I have no idea why I do that! I'm not even wanting him as a boyfriend RIGHT NOW because I want to stay single for a while. I could tell he wants something more though but he said he's willing to give me time.

Ourcrazymodern: I'm not a talkative person but I can be around people I'm close to. I just associate talking/good time=connection

Lindy: LOL I did get tired of my ex rambling on sometimes. I mean we had great conversations but there were times when he would go on and I'd get bored. I also have a best friend that talks NON STOP!! I guess I'm used to extroverts! LOL!

Cimarron29414

Have you guys kissed yet?

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dlish

outsider looking in...

does he talk so little because you talk so much?

what i mean is, if you are doing all the talking, he can reciprocate only listening, which gives him less time to talk about himself. he'll come around if you give him space to do what he does best, without the pressure.

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chelle21689

Like I said, I'm more of a listener than talker. We're both introverts. No kiss yet lol. We just now started holding hands after almost a month LMAO. We're moving really slow because I got out of a long term relationship not too long ago.

dlish

you can be an introvert generally, while still being an extrovert within a sub-relationship, no?

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chelle21689

True I guess hehe.

◙TaciturnToker◙

I'm the type that doesn't say much unless it something that can really add to the conversation. I like to mostly listen to people after I first meet them, I find you can learn a lot more from just listening to people (what they say/how they say it) rather than having a full-on convo. (this only really works in groups though)

citadel

This. All this analyzing will only drive you crazy.

TigerBlood

Sometimes guys just have a hard time keeping up their end of the conversation, especially if they don't have the gift of gab or like to talk a lot anyway. Some guys you can't get to shut up and some guys you can't get to open up. It might just be more of personality thing.

chelle21689

@Tigerblood, so it's okay if there's some silences right? Like I said, our conversations are inconsistent. Sometimes we can talk for a long time naturally and sometimes it's a struggle. Well there's silence and I don't mind it but then he tries to fill the void even though he's more of the quiet type.

He's pretty good at getting us out of awkward silences lol. Oh god, I have brought up topics a couple times that shouldn't have been said!

Oh by the way...I try to call and keep it short to 20 minutes but the conversations always end up being past an hour lol...yet I worry about what we are gonna talk about next time thinking we ran out of things to say. I want it to be every other day but he seems to like talking and want to talk every day. I don't want to tell him to stop calling less, he might take it wrong.

citadel

Have you considered talking to him about talking to him? It doesn't need to be so complex. Most guys are pretty simple, especially when it comes to communicating.