clavus

A lot of people ask me, "clavus,should I shut the fuck up?" To clear up
any confusion, and avoid hurt feelings, I created this handy list of people
who should, without delay, shut the fuck up. Feel free to print this list and
save it for future reference.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you are an executive who makes over $1,000,000 per year, and you want the tax-payers to bail out your poorly-run company, shut the fuck up. You are clearly missing at least one obvious place to cut expenses.

If you are “allegedly the voice of” any deposed third-world terrorist shithead,
shut the fuck up.

If you profess to be against irradiated food, and you own a microwave oven,
shut the fuck up.

If you think there is a good reason for Daylight Savings Time, shut the fuck up.

If you drive a car that gets less than 20 miles per gallon, and you complain about gasoline prices, shut the fuck up.

If you feel that yelling at me is the best way to get me to change my mind and sign your stupid petition, shut the fuck up.

If you are Mike Tyson, shut the fuck up.

If you promote “family values” and have a divorce, illegitimate kids, or a fondness for underage prostitutes, shut the fuck up.

If you think Creed rocks, shut the fuck up.

If you feel the urge to discuss the British Royal Family, shut the fuck up.

If you think that I’m a Democrat just because I don’t like George W. Bush,
shut the fuck up.

If you are “glad that Iraq started a guerrilla war,” shut the fuck up and
apologize to the friends and family of every single person who died in that
festering ass-zit of a country since the war “ended.”

If I can hear you talk at the movies, shut the fuck up.

If you think I care about baseball, shut the fuck up.

If you feel the urge to legislate what people do with their genitals, shut the
fuck up.

If you complain about the government, but don’t vote, shut the fuck up.

If you are an American who wears Doc Martens while protesting “globalization”, shut the fuck up.

If you are against genetically modified crops, and haven’t passed at least
one year of college-level bio-science, shut the fuck up.

If you begin a sentence with, “Long time listener, first time caller,” shut
the fuck up

__________________
Ass, gas or grass. Nobody rides for free.

Cynthetiq

Bravo....

__________________
I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not.

richeee

Hey clavus- "long time reader, first time poster"
Seriously, great post! I'm going to print it and post at the shop!
Thanks.

__________________
Pas le cri, le coeur de Minx! .... Where can I stare now?.........I did!!!What about You?

Nisses

I think there should even be a longer list

Nice work

__________________
Moderation should be moderately moderated.

juanvaldes

file > print

scope

Including the friends and family of the hundreds of Iraqi casualties?

greytone

This is my favorite.

"If you profess to be against irradiated food, and you own a microwave oven, shut the fuck up."

If you can not pass 6th grade science, you are not qualified to have opinions about scientific issues. You CAN have opinions. You just aren't qualified to have them; so keep them to yourself.

__________________
I was there to see beautiful naked women. So was everybody else. It's a common failing.
Robert A Heinlein in "They Do It With Mirrors"

redrum

seems he covered all bases there, I would assume 'every single person' means just that.

KWSN

same

__________________
Your arms are broken!

YourNeverThere

kind of bazarre but a good list

__________________
The Above post is a direct quote from Shakespeare

LittleOralAnnie

I'm sure we can all think of a few more that could be added to that list

uncle phil

this thread makes more sense than any i've seen lately...

__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.

CaptainGumby

Excellent list! I cant say that I disagree with any item.


Personally, I would have written "If you ARE the government, shut the fuck up." But that would have cut your list in half.

__________________
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies. -Groucho Marx

Phaenx

There hasn't even been hundreds of allied casualties since the war ended let alone Iraqi casualties.

__________________
"I went shopping last night at like 1am. The place was empty and this old woman just making polite conversation said to me, 'where is everyone??' I replied, 'In bed, same place you and I should be!' Took me ten minutes to figure out why she gave me a dirty look." --Some guy

bundy

love them all - awesome work Clavus.
thanks

__________________
Ohayo!!!

Ninja

so its night now or day :?


the clue is in the title Daylight Savings Time

/me shuts the fuck up

spectre

That was great.

A few more of my own:

If every one of your discussions about politics ends with name calling, shut the fuck up.

If you feel the need to stop me on my way into class to tell me about your latest governmental conspiracy theory and I've never seen you before, shut the fuck up.

If you are riding in my car and have nearly had your license suspended multiple times but still feel the need to comment on my driving, shut the fuck up.

__________________
"Fuck these chains
No goddamn slave
I will be different" ~ Machine Head

clavus

everyone

__________________
Ass, gas or grass. Nobody rides for free.

clavus

Hmmm...after further consideration - If your job requires that you drive a truck or SUV, you get a pass on this one. I was thinking about my Dodge Durango- driving Mother-in-Law when I wrote this. It could be argued that she needs an SUV to haul her enormous ass, but that's another rant all together.

__________________
Ass, gas or grass. Nobody rides for free.

tangledweb

I hear you buddy!

If you come into my house/store/abode and feel the need to criticize the way I do things/arrange things, Shut the fuck up!

AppleSauceMcGee

that is the best thing ever

__________________
"The Church says the Earth is Flat, But I know that it is Round, For I have seen the Shadow on the Moon. And I Have more faith in a shadow Than in the Church." - Ferdinand Magellan

Skettios

I'll add one...

If the thought has never entered crossed your mind, that there isn't anything you don't know or have a valid yet uneducated opinion on... shut the fuck up.

(sigh)

moral relativists, they make me want to breathe smoke and spit fire.

__________________
Convictions are more dangerous enemies of truth than lies.

Frederich Nietzsche

Destrox

That is poetry to my eyes.

__________________
You bore me.... next.

KeyserSoze

Add this one:

If you complain about the weather year round.....SHUT THE FUCK UP!

__________________
THERE IS NO KEYSER SOZE!!

vermin

Another possibility:

If you're a tv anchorman and you don't have any more facts to add, shut the fuck up!

__________________
If puns were sausages, this would be the wurst.

BulletBob

If you have never experienced drugs or alcohol but still feel like you understand what they are all about and tell people they shouldn't do them, SHUT THE FUCK UP

Stare At The Sun

Wow, that list had me rolling, you remind me of lewis black..and me..

rockogre

Most enjoyable.

__________________
Only two defining forces have ever offered to die for you,
Jesus Christ and the American G. I.
One died for your soul, the other for your freedom

livingitup101

very nice

warrrreagl

I would add, "If you even have the nerve to drive an SUV and you don't live in Montana, then shut the fuck up and get a car that people can see around in traffic, damn it!"

__________________
Living is easy with eyes closed.

clavus

Quite right! How could I forget that one?

Here's another to add to the list -

If you think Jesus wrote the Bible in Olde English, STFU.

__________________
Ass, gas or grass. Nobody rides for free.

redravin40

Great stuff Clavus.
As usual you have done a fine, smart and funny contribution to TFP.
I always look forward to your posts.

My only contribution to the rant is:
If you have never had to survive on Adult Public Assistance or food stamps and seem to feel the urge to tell people how comfy life is for people who have to...shut the fuck up.

macmanmike6100

"I am Clavus...hear me ROAR!"

WhoaitsZ

Holy fucking shit. someone SEES the light!

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU

my contribution shall just simply be: You may relate, you may have the right to emphasize and give advice about an issue but if you've not experienced it first hand i say get a nice hot cup of STFU.

warrrreagl

If you are Oprah and you continue to feel obligated to tell people that money can't buy happiness, shut the fuck up.

__________________
Living is easy with eyes closed.

sngx1275

good stuff man, while I dont' agree with everything I have to commend you on what I do agree with, and for those that I dont' agree with well I suppose I commend you on that as well, not everyone sees eye to eye right?

Sion

"If every one of your discussions about politics ends with name calling, shut the fuck up."


change "every one" to "any" and this idea is perfect.



my addition: If you feel the need to denigrate all college educated people as being "book smart - street stupid" fools, then to you I suggest an intensive study of the Manual of How to Shut the Fuck up. If you can even read, that is.


greytone - thanks for the new addition to my sig quotes.

__________________
He's the best, of course, of all the worst.
Some wrong been done, he done it first. -fz

I jus' want ta thank you...falettinme...be mice elf...agin...

PatrickBateman

If you did not pay for your car or put no real effort into attaining it, and you say that someone else who payed for their car's is shitty... shut the fuck up.

If you are canadian... shut the fuck up.

If you say that it is someone else's fault that you are fat, and they did not surgically inject you with lard... shut the fuck up.

__________________
Another martini, Paul?

splck

Aren't you a pleasant fellow...

I'd tell you to shut the fuck up!...but that might get me into trouble

__________________
nice line eh?

Stiltzkin

If you are an ignorant fuck, shut the fuck up.

If you have poor grammar, please, for the love of god, don't post. In fact, don't write in any publically-available medium. Oh and, shut the fuck up!

If you have a heavy accent, stop speaking your fucking native language for a few years until it clears up if you ever expect to get any respect... or shut the fuck up!

__________________
The most important thing in this world is love.