LoganSnake

How to Pee W/ Morning Wood - Hypebeast Forums

Every morning men wake up to this catch-22: you desperately have to pee, but you have an erection, which makes it hard to urinate, but the hard-on won't go away until you empty your bladder. It's almost impossible to aim at the toilet when your penis is pointing the wrong way, so you end up peeing on the wall, the floor, or yourself.

You may have developed your own technique for dealing with this catch-22, but if not, here are some methods to take care of the aiming part, customized for the angle of your dangle.

The Flying Wallenda



If your erection angles up acutely, pointing at the ceiling, you’re out of luck. Your best bet is to install a trapeze over your toilet so you can hang upside down and let gravity do the rest. Warning: Attempting this maneuver using the shower curtain rod may result in head injury.

Strong Arming



This is the brute force method. If your penis points straight out or up, you may have to bend it to your will. Grasp the shaft or press down on the top gently but firmly so your boner bends downward, pointing toward the bowl. Keep the pressure on and don’t let it slip, or you may end up spraying the wall or squirting yourself in the face. Note: In some cases this won’t work because bending constricts the flow of urine too much. If your erection is too hard, don’t force it down – you could break something, seriously.

The Lunge



If your morning wood slopes at a downward angle, consider yourself blessed. All you need to do is lunge forward so your stream of urine angles into the toilet. This prevents you from overshooting the bowl. Toward the end, as your stream gets weaker, you can deepen the lunge to avoid dribbling on the floor.

Downward Dog



This position will work for just about anybody, but it is a little difficult to get into, and – if someone walks in on you – potentially kind of embarrassing. Stand facing away from the toilet, with a foot on either side of the bowl. Bend forward at the waist until you’re touching the floor (or the opposing wall, or the tub, depending on your bathroom layout). Adjust your stance so your junk is well inside the bowl - you don't want the pee to run down your front. If you get caught, claim that you like to wake up with a morning yoga workout.
Note: This position may encourage you to take better aim in general, since it will bring you face-to-face with the residue of near-misses and splatters that coat the floor and outer bowl surface.

The Plank



Another one for guys who point straight out or slightly down. Stand a foot or two away from the toilet and lean forward, supporting your weight by putting your hands on the wall above the toilet. Take aim and hold your body rigid. This position also strengthens your abs and core muscles.

The Girly Man aka BUCK



Sometimes you just have to suck it up and sit down to pee. Sit on the john with your legs apart and lean forward so your penis points down into the bowl. You may have to press down on your erection slightly to make sure you don't pee out and down the front of the bowl. And no, sitting down doesn’t make you any less manly, especially if there are extenuating circumstances. What? You say it’s so long you can’t keep it from dragging in the water? Oh, alright then.

Leg Up



It’s not uncommon to have an erection that curves to one side or the other. If yours does this, you’ll need to compensate accordingly. Use the bathroom walls to brace yourself as you balance on one foot and tilt your body until your curve is pointing down toward the toilet bowl. You might want to install a grab bar by the toilet if you do this regularly.

The Superman



If you're a man of steel in the morning, you might as well be a superhero. Tie on the bedsheet for a cape, mount the bowl in a single bound, and make like you're flying. Hopefully the pressure relief will be like Kryptonite for your boner.

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Maturity is knowing you were an idiot in the past. Wisdom is knowing that you'll be an idiot in the future. Common sense is knowing that you should try not to be an idiot now. - J. Jacques

Dano069

Personally, I use a combo of Strong Arming and a modified (one handed) Plank. Haven't missed yet.

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I may look attentive, but I'm taking peeks down your blouse faster than the human eye can follow.

fatboss

Invaluable public information there LoganSnake!

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"never mind that shit........here comes Mongo!"

GreyWolf

One-handed plank all the way... although, sometimes the hard-on can be dealt with prior to the trip to the bathroom

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The secret to great marksmanship is deciding what the target was AFTER you've shot.

thirdsun

This is funniest fucking thread I've seen yet on TFP. Way to go, LoganSnake!

blahblah454

Ha!! These had me laughing pretty good.

When I have really bad morning wood I do the one armed plank/ strong arm. Has only failed me a few times where you get a cramp or something and your hand slips up... I don't want to talk about it.

Charlatan

Buck FTW...

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"My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars."
- Old Man Luedecke

telekinetic

Fuck all of this complicatery, pee in the shower like god intended!

Barring that, I'm a plank/buck man. The buck freaks me out, though...my dongle actually presses either into the water or against the underside of the porcelain rim...neither seem particularly sanitary.

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twisted no more

Reese

<-- 1-handed Plank...

I feel the same way as twistedmosaic, Superman, Buck, downward dog all have my junk rubbing the rim or in the water and that's just freaking nasty. Jesus, I wish my ceiling would support me because I'd totally try the The Flying Wallenda.

I vote this thread for hall of fame.

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“It is better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick” - Dave Barry

lostgirl

Hilarious, and in a way kind of hot.

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We're about to go through the crucible, but we'll come out the other side.
We always arise from our own ashes. Everything returns later in its changed form. - Children of Dune

LoganSnake

A lot of you seem to have done the plank. I never have. I buck most often than not and use my hand to keep it away from the inside of the bowl/water.

__________________
Maturity is knowing you were an idiot in the past. Wisdom is knowing that you'll be an idiot in the future. Common sense is knowing that you should try not to be an idiot now. - J. Jacques

cellophanedeity

I didn't realize that this would be so much of an issue! The only thing I need to worry about in the morning is the seat being too cold!

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who am I to refuse the universe?
-Leonard Cohen, Beautiful Losers

Fly

hahhhaha...dude.........me too.


works like a charm

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BASTARD

SterlingStudios

MoonDog

StrongArm for the win!

IdeoFunk

...Superman... nuff said lol

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...out here in the perimeter there are no stars...

GreyWolf

This whole thread is based on the older gentleman who was talking to his doctor... he explained that at 20, he couldn't possibly bend his morning wood with both hands. By 30, he could get a little bend by struggling mightily with both hands. By 40, he could manage quite a bit. At 50, he could bend it slightly with one hand, and by 60, he only needed one hand to handle things easily.

"So, Doc", he asked, "is it really normal for a man to get that much stronger with age?"

__________________
The secret to great marksmanship is deciding what the target was AFTER you've shot.

raging moderate

great post! Hilarious

bazkitcase5

hahahahaha

i wonder how many people out there have tried some of the crazier techniques?

i would have to go the shower route myself