Every girl ever? - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Crack · 01-22-2008, 08:32 PM

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/phi/471580402.html

Quote:

Knock knock

Oh hi, how's it going? It's me! Every girl ever. I'm really looking forward to this date. I'm not nearly as attractive as you remember me being because when we met the bar was dark and you were drunk. Come on in.

Let's start off with the unavoidable tour of my incredibly typical post-college-girl apartment.

You'll notice that I went ahead and purchased everything that Ikea and Pier 1 have ever produced. There's my decorative birdcage over there even though I don't have a bird, and there's my gay wicker basket with bamboo poles in it. I don't know what the hell that's thing's all about, but I bought it.

Hey check it out, I have more candles in here than a Roman Catholic Church. Doesn't it smell like Hazelnut!? If I were to light all of my candles at once you could see my apartment from space! I fucking love candles!

Come on into the living room.

Oh, I see you met my cat there. That's "Freddy Paws Jr." Why don't you pet him and act like you like cats even though you hate cats? There you go. Oh, he took a little swing at your eye there huh? Yeah, he'll do that. Hey, let's check out the kitchen.

Hey look at my refrigerator. There are pictures all over it! Look at all these pictures of me and my equally vacuous friends from college! We were so crazy! You can tell we're really good friends because our faces are all pressed up against each other like that.

And check it out, we're holding up alcoholic beverages to the camera in every single picture. That's to prove that we were partying. College was so fun! But of course I don't talk to any of these girls anymore because now they're all bitches.

Let's go back into the hallway!

Hey, before we leave I'm going to go in the bathroom for ten minutes for some mysterious reason. Why don't you sit awkwardly in my big, stupid, round papizan chair over there while you wait for me. It's like you're sitting in a hug! Be right back...

Sorry that took a half an hour, I don't know what the hell I was doing in there. Let's go!

Wow! Thanks for opening my car door for me! I'm totally going to blow that meaningless gesture out of proportion and delude myself into thinking that you're a really good guy because that's what I want to believe.

Well, here we are at the restaurant. No thanks waiter, I don't need to see a menu, just bring me some expensive things. Hey I know, while we wait, I'll tell you all about my unspeakably boring job. I hate my boss. He's a jerk! I might get another job. Maybe something in pharmaceutical sales.

Now let's talk about my family. I love my family. I want you to love my family. I want my family to love you. I want you to make love to my family! I want you to go golfing with my semi-retarded brother Travis. That would be so God damned cute!

Wow! I can't believe I ordered all this food! I have no intention of eating any of it. No thanks waiter, we don't need a box. Just throw it out.

Hey, I've got an idea, let's go to a bar and have an after dinner drink! It'll be great, it will be just like how we're drinking here, only it will be louder and we'll have to stand up. Come on!

See, isn't this better? Oh hey, what a coincidence. Look over there! It's a group of my friends that I knew was going to be here. Let's go over there so that they can judge you!

Hey, I have to go to the bathroom for a half an hour again for some reason. You can stay here and talk to my unbelievably hideous friend Christine! Christine's so ugly she scares kids! Talk to her! She has a job and a family that she wants to talk to you about too. Be right back.

I'm back! Sorry I was gone for three hours, there was a line. I want to go home now.

Well here we are at my door again. This was really fun for me and not you. You should pretend like we're going to do it again sometime! Maybe I'll see you at Target a few months from now and we can avoid eye contact because you never called me. Here, have this awkward goodnight kiss that's as empty as my soul. Good night!

heh.

reverendjay · 01-22-2008, 08:48 PM

That right there is why I stopped meeting girls in bars and turned to my friend the interweb for matchmaking.

Sion · 01-23-2008, 04:08 AM

funny stuff

jewels · 01-23-2008, 04:33 AM

Cute and funny but sad if that's really how young women are viewed by men these days.

Hain · 01-23-2008, 05:18 AM

Luckily, not ones you meet at Borders. But honestly, they can turn out just like that is describing.

bobby · 01-23-2008, 07:25 AM

Knock,knock....is anybody home?

xoxoxoo

Leto · 01-23-2008, 08:13 AM

what's Borders?

Crack · 01-23-2008, 08:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Leto

what's Borders?

It's a large book store, normally with a Starbucks-esque coffee shop attached.

Jinn · 01-23-2008, 08:56 AM

Wow...

Stunningly accurate.. I've met way too many girls who fit this profile perfectly.

I'm glad I found the 1 in 10,000 who isn't exactly like that.

I think I suddenly appreciate my girlfriend more. Thanks

Hain · 01-23-2008, 09:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Crack

It's a large book store, normally with a Starbucks-esque coffee shop attached.

Bingo! I usually grab one of two things: something by Vonnegut or something else I should have read in high school. If she can start talking to me about either, I buy her a spiced chai tea latte (since I bet she does not like coffee, which is a detail I can overlook

).

Quote:

Originally Posted by Leto

what's Borders?

Come'on! Even the www.Google.ca has Borders Stores as the first, second, and third results (excluding the image result suggestion at the top).
-just teasing

Plan9 · 01-23-2008, 09:24 AM

So what if it's true?

...

Somebody post the "Let's Fuck For Jesus" rant from the Best Of... section.

vanblah · 01-23-2008, 09:31 AM

It's papasan. I don't know why I care. I know that no one here wrote the ad.

Crack · 01-23-2008, 10:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Crompsin

So what if it's true?

...

Somebody post the "Let's Fuck For Jesus" rant from the Best Of... section.

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/63157665.html

Quote:

You're a really, really sweet girl. I knew when I met you at that party last year that you were different, but I wan't sure how. You were really hot, one of the only other sober people there, and you speak spanish, which I enjoy thoroughly. We had a nice chat, I got your number and my friend Anne has emailed me no less than three times telling me you ask about me a lot. I was psyched to meet up with you the other night, and you looked so hot, again.

But your a Jesus freak. I mean, I know about the guy, and I think it's cool to have a spritual side and all, but you're really all about him, aren't you? It took about 5 minutes for me to realize that we were going to talk about god all night. And I really tried to sympathize with your faith that Jesus gave you a second chance at life after a rough childhood. I was struggling to find encouraging things to say, and I held my toungue pretty well. But here's the deal:

I don't believe in god, babe. Nope, not even an inkling. I'm what you call an Atheist, because your organization needs a word to describe people who don't believe what you believe. Atheist is a newer, kinder word. I would have been a heretic, sinner, witch, blasphemer or satanist had we met in another century, but now, I'm an atheist. Or secular humanist, or, as I like to say, normal. And, sadly, you're in a cult. A Messianic cult, which may be better than some other cults, but it's still a cult, and you're completely brainwashed. I mean, there's very little room in your thinking for any kind of science, let alone philosophy or literature that isn't written in praise of your Leader, and that just sucks, conversationally speaking. I mean we can't really talk about anything without your ultimate arbiter coming into play, at which point the conversation is over. Here's an example from the other night:

Me: Yeah, there was another protest about same sex marriage downtown today, I checked it out.

You: Well homosexuality is a sin against god's plan, you know.

Me: Right. More wine?

What do I say then? You trump everything with the J man, and I have to change the subject, because to debate the issue is to bring up your faith, which is pretty much not debatable. I mean, sure, I could just say I believe this because a magic pie I worship tells me so, but where would that leave us? Pretty much right here.

The toughest part is, all of your holiness is really getting in the way of my porno titfuck fantasy of you. I mean, I really want to do this, it's completely absorbing my thoughts lately, but I feel like Jesus is standing between me and my desire to make love to your breasts. I can almost see his face right in your cleavage saying, No! You will not fuck these titties, non-believer!

So, since nobody really knows what Jesus would do anyway, I'm enlisting the Son of God to get me on your tits. And here's my plan: I'm going to play along with your Jesus land fanstasy for a bit, and slowly convince you that, yes, Jesus wants us to get freaky. Any act that inspires you to yell his name in ecstasy HAS to be god's will. So, baby, let's fuck for Jesus.

Amen.

No! You will not fuck these titties, non-believer!

allaboutmusic · 01-23-2008, 11:44 AM

Brilliant.

Leto · 01-23-2008, 11:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Augi

Come'on! Even the www.Google.ca has Borders Stores as the first, second, and third results (excluding the image result suggestion at the top).
-just teasing

heh... ya, i did the ol' google thing, but frankly I was flumoxed by the results being a book store.

But now that I have the context, it makes sense. It's just like Chapters, with its Starbucks on site. And yes, I know the folks that grab a latte and a magazine and pretend to read. There's also the university crowd who bring in their laptops, or maybe they are bloggers writing journals in a public space...

Shauk · 01-23-2008, 12:46 PM

i love cl sometimes....

sometimes.

Plan9 · 01-23-2008, 02:10 PM

Thanks, Crack. By far... that one is certainly the most motivational.

One of my favs. It makes me want to get involved in religion.

SSJTWIZTA · 01-31-2008, 08:48 PM

oh nice shit. i got a great laugh out of both.
you just made my night crack.

(yeah, it was a pretty lame night)

Charlatan · 01-31-2008, 11:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Leto

what's Borders?

Think Chapters/Indigo...

Manuel Hong · 02-01-2008, 02:32 PM

wow, like o migod!
That is like totally unfair!
We ladies are like totally not like that.

Actually you forgot the obligitory blow job.

Plan9 · 02-01-2008, 02:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Manuel Hong

Actually, you forgot the obligatory blow job.

Wait a minute...

*counts fingers* I've been cheated!

01-22-2008, 08:48 PM	#2 (permalink)
reverendjay Insane Location: Baltimore	That right there is why I stopped meeting girls in bars and turned to my friend the interweb for matchmaking. __________________ I'm married now, so the only thing in my house that pulls out now is the couch.

01-23-2008, 04:08 AM	#3 (permalink)
Sion Dumb all over...a little ugly on the side Location: In the room where the giant fire puffer works, and the torture never stops.	funny stuff __________________ He's the best, of course, of all the worst. Some wrong been done, he done it first. -fz I jus' want ta thank you...falettinme...be mice elf...agin...

01-23-2008, 04:33 AM	#4 (permalink)
jewels Eponymous Location: Central Central Florida	Cute and funny but sad if that's really how young women are viewed by men these days. __________________ We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess. Mark Twain

01-23-2008, 05:18 AM	#5 (permalink)
Hain has a plan Location: middle of Whywouldanyonebethere	Luckily, not ones you meet at Borders. But honestly, they can turn out just like that is describing. __________________ ////\\// IRONSKY.NET \\//\\\\

01-23-2008, 07:25 AM	#6 (permalink)
bobby Super Moderator Location: 18,000+ posts on TFP #1,2,3,4 and 5,but I'm not counting!	Knock,knock....is anybody home? xoxoxoo __________________ "Life goes on,within you,and...with out you !" xoxoxoo

01-23-2008, 08:13 AM	#7 (permalink)
Leto Junkie Location: The Danforth	what's Borders?

01-23-2008, 08:56 AM	#9 (permalink)
Jinn Lover - Protector - Teacher Location: Seattle, WA	Wow... Stunningly accurate.. I've met way too many girls who fit this profile perfectly. I'm glad I found the 1 in 10,000 who isn't exactly like that. I think I suddenly appreciate my girlfriend more. Thanks __________________ "I'm typing on a computer of science, which is being sent by science wires to a little science server where you can access it. I'm not typing on a computer of philosophy or religion or whatever other thing you think can be used to understand the universe because they're a poor substitute in the role of understanding the universe which exists independent from ourselves." - Willravel Last edited by Jinn; 01-23-2008 at 09:32 AM..

01-23-2008, 09:24 AM	#11 (permalink)
Plan9 I Confess a Shiver	So what if it's true? ... Somebody post the "Let's Fuck For Jesus" rant from the Best Of... section. __________________ *Whatever you can carry.* "You should not drink... and bake."

01-23-2008, 09:31 AM	#12 (permalink)
vanblah Junkie	It's papasan. I don't know why I care. I know that no one here wrote the ad.

01-23-2008, 11:44 AM	#14 (permalink)
allaboutmusic Aurally Fixated	Brilliant.

01-23-2008, 12:46 PM	#16 (permalink)
Shauk Confused Adult Location: Spokane, WA	i love cl sometimes.... sometimes.

01-23-2008, 02:10 PM	#17 (permalink)
Plan9 I Confess a Shiver	Thanks, Crack. By far... that one is certainly the most motivational. One of my favs. It makes me want to get involved in religion. __________________ *Whatever you can carry.* "You should not drink... and bake."

01-31-2008, 08:48 PM	#18 (permalink)
SSJTWIZTA Master Thief. Master Criminal. Masturbator. Location: Windiwana	oh nice shit. i got a great laugh out of both. you just made my night crack. (yeah, it was a pretty lame night) __________________ First they came for the Jews and I did not speak out because I was not a Jew. Then they came for the communists and I did not speak out because I was not a communist. Then they came for the trade unionists and I did not speak out because I was not a trade unionist Then they came for me And there was no one left to speak out for me. -Pastor Martin Niemoller

02-01-2008, 02:32 PM	#20 (permalink)
Manuel Hong Addict Location: Land of the puny, wimpy states	wow, like o migod! That is like totally unfair! We ladies are like totally not like that. Actually you forgot the obligitory blow job. __________________ Believe nothing, even if I tell it to you, unless it meets with your own good common sense and experience. - Siddhartha Gautama (The Buddha)