I don't want alternatives. That's like telling someone to get their ear pierced when they're trying to decide which tattoo they should get.
It's not a stupid question, either. I know there's a way to do it, AND SINCE IT'S MY OWN DAMN SITE I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT WITH IT WITHOUT YOUR PERMISSION!
If anyone has actual advice or a place to get the code, then thanks for helping.