Quote:
Originally posted by Mantus
You must ask yourself is this: Did the connections you made with her in you mind come before or after you had lust for her?
Were you really creating those connections out of nothing or were you creating those connections to justify that part of you that your mind has no control over?
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Don't I know it!
That's what getting me... the whole "what is real?" thing. I know that we did make real connections at points when she let her guard down and when I let my guard down and we talked about our pasts, fears, etc. However, what I don't know is how much the sexual stuff has been made into more than it was in my mind. When I look back I think about the sexual stuff and those sharing moments equally. I know, looking back, that I wanted desperately for the sexual stuff to be meaningful, so I made efforts to make is special every time. I think that it was for her, she definitely had "that look in her eye" when she looked at me afterwards... thought I think that kind of intimacy is also what finally scared her into leaving. Too intimate for safety's sake. So... for me, I know that a lot of the connections came after intimacy on a sharing level... but I certainly let myself get swept away from the beginning.
"that part of you that your mind has no control over"... I'm searching for my limits... I'm simultaneously trying to expand myself to feel the heights of all emotions and to completely surrender to all of existence while trying to determine exactly what I have control of cognitively. It is a struggle.
Somewhere stuck between being a control freak and lost in the insanity of emotive abstractions. I think I'm like a pendulum and I swing into each category at times as much as I try to maintain balance. I know that I have my head together enough now not to drive lightly into anything... I've certainly learned my lesson to move <i>slower</i>. That is a start to figuring how to progress...
Maybe I just picked the absolutely wrong person for me... when I think back I made a lot of efforts to communicate with her that didn't work out well. Maybe I should look for someone with a passion for creativity that has tapped into the metaphorical nature of connections... if I can find someone that understands my push to create and shares it that might ease the stress of determining what value of the relationship's authenticity and we could focus more on our creative impulses... I'm not sure how I feel about that though. I need to think on this further...