devnull

Alright alright alright. Another anonymous person on the web with a problem. Who knew I'd be the one who wanted to vent and "whine" to the faceless masses.

Background: Four years ago, I began dating this girl. We only went out for seven months, but she was the first girl I truly fell completely in love with. My first true love, my first sexual partner, my first 'completion'. We were long-distance for some time towards the end of the relationship and I guess this is where things began to fall apart. At one point, one of her best friends made an advance on her and a few days later she confessed this to me when I sensed something was wrong. Being the forgiving person that I was at the time, I was willing to try and move past that and save our relationship. I asked her what she wanted to do; Save our relationship, or end it. Her response, "I want to -try- and be with him." That ended the relationship that day. For almost a year, I didn't speak with her. It was easy though since we were now seperated by half the country because of my transfer to a new college (unrelated). I got over her, or at least, I thought I did.

I spoke to her on a day that doesn't really stand out from any other for any reason other than this event. I thought at that time that I was over the issue. (sidenote: her new relationship had failed miserably and to this day, she hasn't spoken with that guy). Over time, her and I spoke more frequently. Our friendship was rebuilt cautiously and over time, I put that event completely behind me and I can honestly say I am no longer bitter about it. Yay me and my lack of a spine, or maybe its just that I'm nice. Call it what you may!

Over the last two years that we've been friends, I've conciously thought of her as a friend, and only as a friend. It was never more than that to me, or I thought.

About a month ago, I moved to St. Louis because of a job. This girl lived just over an hour away, and that was fine. We were only friends and that's all I needed, wanted, assumed. Since the move, we've hung out a couple times, and I think this is where the problems have started to arise. All of these feelings and thoughts and emotions and urges that I didn't even know still existed, they have all begun to flood to the surface and I don't fully comprehend why. Why now? I mean, I know it's because I'm seeing her again. Seeing her face, her laugh, her eyes, her body. I'm smelling her, again. But why has this caused all of this crap to rush out again? I don't know if I'm still in love with her. I don't know if it's purely a sexual thing because she was the first girl I had fallen in love with and (no surprise) the first girl I had slept with.

It's these "hidden features" of the human psyche that are causing bursts of depression and feelings of loneliness again. I hate it, and I have nobody to talk to about it. Before, she was the person I could talk to about everything. Now, she's the target of my problems and I can't open up and tell her these things. Why not you ask? What makes this so difficult? Just tell her! .... Not - that - easy.

So as one random line of thought runs into another runs into another runs into another in this post, I find myself drained. I've beared my inner self to a group of anonymous trolls and TFP addicts. My new home, my new friends, my new mental salvation. Heh.

Feels good to just open that gate and let it start to flood out. Feels like crap because I know nobody has an answer that is guaranteed to make these problems vanish in the blink of an eye. So for now, I bid you adieau, or whatever. I really don't expect many to answer this thread. I would be fine if it collected dust. Sometimes a person just needs to let it out just for the sake of letting it all out. I already feel better about it, I just wish it could have been to a friend via my own voice and not to a group of strangers via my keyboard.