|
the following brings me tears but i fell compelled....... my life in a nutshell. i will finish it tomorrow. i am currently exchausted.
I was born
Placed in a needy shell
And I was forced to grow way too fast
People always wonder:
‘Why is he so down?’
and I walk past
too bad pretending they don’t exist helps me none
So I had life and death decions to make by age nine.
These things plant seed of maturity and madness
Many time while my friends were out on a recess break at school
I was getting stitched pulled out while I sobbed from my nack to buttocks.
Yes, I was forced to grow up too fast.
The wounds of yesteryear still haunt me. The demons that are not spiritual
Forced me to grow up too fast
Right now as a type this I fight weeping
I am surprised I’m keeping it at bay
Right now my past hurts.
And I’ve not yet of the truly traumatic experience
My dad was in the Air Force
You always move from the ones you love
There is no way to find sheer stability
In ’92 we moved to Hattiesburg and I’ve been here since
One day I met someone at my church who was so different you could say she was an angel
I was a ver, very shy boy at age fourteen but I told myself to get ready because my mouth was going to produce speech if I was prepared or not.
We spoke and talked and made friends.
She commented on my not-so-dull ties. . . black and neon yellow or the Incredible Hulk
They made her smile. My insides got warm.
A few weeks later I had talked her into sitting with us (‘us’ being a few friends who lingered in the back pews)
Her mom managed to fuck that up, but that night I had her.
Her friends knew we were connecting and I just had this –not quite evil- smirk on my face.
She sat next to me and her friends sat by her.
We conversed a short while then church began.
To my mass amusement and her embarresment, her friends had lay a trap for her. As soon as church started, they stood up and hauled ass alllllllll the way to the front.
I laughed. She grinned and acted like she didn’t know why they left.
I read her like a book. . .
That night my hand had been placed on her heart and she kissed it while folk were praying.
We were perfect for each other.
I remember vividly walking with her and she stopped me and said she needed to go to her van.
We went and I reclined in my chair, enjoying life, stretching out.
She walked up to me with a small smile but very serious look.
‘I want to kiss you’ said she, and before I could even comment her tongue hand entered my own mouth.
Ecxstacy.
Not long after we were official and, if one of us were there, we were both found. Period.
But, like all things, there was odd and terrible things, too.
Her dad was an alcoholic and her mom was simply a bitch.
She raised four siblings.
Two were twins, one had bad leukemia.
We had some turbalence but it mostly worked out.
I recall vividly us getting into a big argument over the phone.
I finally hung up and dialed into USM’s modem so I could kill chances of future rings.
I saw a truck drive by. Odd. Looked like a friends… uh oh.
The truck was leaving and I went into the hall to see her approach.
We went into my room, close the door ad fixed every woe the world had.
As in all things great, they fall.
We had some issues and her mother could fuck up anything.
We broke up.
I died.
We tried again a few weeks later but I ended it this time.
It was just not working.
I had been in the hospital a few times due to pneaumonia.
She didn’t get to see me much (she lived far, far away) but one night she did.
Everyone left us alone.
We go cozy… then quite active. Her shirt was unbuttoned and I was pushing the sheets down between our leg when I noticed something odd.
A goddamned nurse strode in. . . and watched.
Fury.
Laterr we were interrupted again, just a little.. uh.. more prepared..
Sigh.
I scored a job at a highschool library and enjoyed it a bit.
One day I felt bad, so I went home.
Was in the hospital the nex day. . .
Doctor told me without the tracheotomy I would die. Soon. my ruled went from major dark depression to pitch dark hell.
God the anguish in my soul right now is so high. OUT you fucking demons. Out, out, out!
I got the trach… a quart of fluid a day out of lungs for two weeks and pain I never new imagined.
My trach was changed like four times.
The original was too big. The next way too small.
I remember the doctor changing trach size four to a siz six.
No numbing meds, no sedation, just Demerol ad a held breath.
The doctor I love now but he did a fucking dumbass thing.
He didn’t realize my flesh had mended, that the tissue was growing back.
Mind I am so weak I can’t open a coke.
A nurse took my hand out of kindness. It was time.
He pulled it out and all of the healed tissues and flesh we ripped out.
I had not talked for two weeks. I screamed loud enough that the nurse from the opposite wing flew in. the nurse hlding m hand was in immense pain. I let go and I buried myself deep into a grave of despair ad no hope.
Rhw only thing that helped was the Smashing Pumpkins mellon collie cds. I cope. I lived ny ‘despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage’.
About ten percent of my friends remained with me.
Finally, six weeks after I went in, I came home and suffered through a recovery. My ex boss sent me a smiley balloon ‘get well soon’ bit. Never heard once again. Fuck them.
…..
|