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Thanks to both of you for your comments. Jaron, you hit the nail on the head when you said it was unpolished and rough. Very true. I find that I manage to communicate my ideas through poems just fine, I just can't seem to get down any sense of actual poetry...though this piece is helped quite a bit if you read it at a quicker tempo.
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Doing my best not to end up like Kathleen Chang.
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