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Such a hard question. I can't answer without thinking of my brother, who had a similar history...hard to answer without all of the "wish I had done this instead" thoughts clouding the issue. He eventually straightened out and found his way, but not till he'd been homeless, in jail, and then lived with my mom till he was 24.
That said, your son is not my brother. So, when I'm thinking logically here is what I'd say:
- He's been warned already, told what the house rules are, and what the consequences are for breaking them
- If he goes out on his own, he may either straighten up in the real world, or he won't. If he doesn't, are you strong enough to let him fail and take the consequences on himself? I know from watching my mom how hard it is to watch your kids struggle and let them take their own knocks and learn their own lessons.
- The other question is whether you can live with his actions if he stays and doesn't change?
Since you asked outright, I do think that kicking him out is the right thing to do. He's never going to lose the sense of entitlement, or grow a conscience, if he doesn't experience some pretty harsh consequences of his actions, first hand. Having a roof over his head, a car, food, etc., is shielding him from any consequences. He knows you love him, and he knows you're ambivalent about letting him stay vs. pushing him out on his own, and my guess is that he uses your own love and ambivalence to manipulate you a bit. He knows your buttons and how to push them to get what he wants.
I'm so sorry. Like I said, I watched my mom struggle with this for years, and I really feel for you. But I do think a "tough love" stance is probably best for both of you. He may not change, but at least if he's not living with you you're not a victim of his actions. Unless you're willing to live with whatever he throws at you, unconditionally, I'd say it's time for him to find his own place.
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"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."
- Anatole France
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