Argonaut

I wrote this... it will be on a website... sometime.


As anyone who isn’t ignorant knows, man is an evolving creature. In the beginning of life on Earth, there were some itty bitty specks of life, progenitors of the plethora of species that now exist. Since then, there have been startling developments. Man is seen by some as the crowning achievement of evolution, a most successful species.

We must recall, however, that evolution is never done. Man is constantly changing and who knows what the future will bring?

I do.

While walking on the Galapagos Islands, Darwin must have felt like a man displaced from the world, in an unutterably dense and mysterious forest upon which he was the trespasser. He noted that there were variations in many of the plants and animals of the same general type as those found in South America. The things he observed here, combined with those from around the world would lead to his theory of natural selection.

I feel that I have been given the same opportunity. Having traveled the world and seen the vast variety of people in action from Canada to Australia, I believe I have discovered a new trend in human evolution.

Much like Darwin, I have walked through the dark forest, furrowing my brow restlessly at the myriad of different types of people and have wondered… where could this all be going to?

I also think of Nietzsche and his superman. Nietzsche stated that such a person could turn every “thus it was” into “thus I willed it” in his or her life (or “hir” if you’re a liberal feminist hippie). In my opinion, this overcoming of humanity would require something more than great physical power or mental acuity. It would require a very laid back and relaxed person.

“It’s raining? Don’t worry, that’s exactly how I want it to be.”
“The world is coming to an end? Great!”
“The cast Friends has been gagged and shot? Let’s celebrate!”

To accept everything as the volition of ones self requires a degree of egoism yes, but also a form of patient absolutism. Such power would almost certainly require a cool, calm and demure person. This superman would almost certainly enjoy a good sit, or perhaps even a bit of a nice afternoon nap followed by some tea.

Regardless, sitting down is an activity that anyone can enjoy. We only have to think to many of the great things that can occur from or require the sitting position:

1. Roller-coaster rides
2. Drinking a beer (God damn you if you drink beer standing up)
3. Sleeping
4. Watching TV
5. Gambling
6. Grifting
7. Sitting on a whoopie-cushion
8. Just having a good sit

There are, of course, many more great advantages to sitting down and I would also note the great difficulty most people have in getting up after a good sit. During that split second in which you are in a position between sitting and standing, it feels as though the world is going to end. Taunt muscles scream and stretch as they labor to raise you to your full heights.

But why? Does this pain and discomfort not tell us that our body does not WANT to get up? I ask you, what if, instead of getting up, we simply staid sitting. All the time. Forever.

It sounds almost scandalous. But the idea is sound. Let’s simply take a look at the insurmountable evidence that is literally pushing us back into nice comfy recliners.

Early Man

Man came from the apes. God could have created the apes, but why? Therefore, the apes came from something else, let’s just say bread for now.

The apes and early primates were on all fours, crouched. Try crouching right now. If you are human you will note that it is either A) Too hard or more accurately B ) Not worth doing. That’s because man has evolved from the need to be in this awkward and humiliating position.

Man Gets Erect

Man made a good choice when he evolved into homo erectus. This species stretched itself, as though reaching for the stars. We have obviously since realized however, that reaching for the stars was a big mistake as they are giant balls of burning gas.

Homo Erectus was much like a child, reaching for a hot stove element. In time, he moved on and became homo sapiens.

We learned a few things about standing up. It tires us out, makes it much more likely that we’re going to bang our heads on things and is generally just a waste of time. Who wants to stand? No one.

In a crouch, man could scavenge the ground for food, but standing, man just seems to mope around and shop for a good couch. There must be a further stage in development and I believe that I have predicted it.

Homo Sittenous

In this next stae of evolution, Man will finally realize the error of his ways, he will understand the massive amounts of energy he wastes standing and will simply take a seat. Technology has advanced to such an extent that disabled people can glide around in magic, self-propelled devices known as wheelchairs.

So why are we letting the indolent cripples have a free ride while we’re stuck, in this preposterous façade.

The Homo Sittenous will be the next stage of man, it is the only logical choice. Man will use his technology to create great wheelchairs with padded lumbar support, back massagers and laser guided pretzels.

This will be the new man, the real man, the superman… the man who says not only “thus I willed it”, but “thus I willed it… while sitting down!”