I'd turn the world to know how to fix this for you. I wish you the best in healing your heart.
As far as that firewall goes...try, try with all you have to bring it down. Don't let it rule you.
My own firewall is stopping me dead in my tracks and I ache for the day I can release the demon that fuels the flame.
I have the fire hose in my hand and the drizzle has begun but it's a long road back my friend when you let it burn out of control.
Give it all you have to douse it now.
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In the depth of winter, I finally learned that there was within me an invincible summer.
~Albert Camus
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