Quote:
Originally Posted by fresnelly
If my wife is being snappish, I probably deserve it. I don't mean that in a deluded abuse victim way, I mean that I probably forgot an appointment or she's exhausted and I'm not helping enough with the kids or something. Otherwise she's golden. I certainly don't feel oppressed. Cause and effect baby!
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Same here. I have the world most wonderful wife (of the wives I've tried
) but on the rare occasion she's in a bad mood it's completely logical.
I am also a "person pleaser / don't make waves" person - but opposite to your situation she encourages me to be clear, to speak of my desires, stand up, be in charge - find myself. (She's fertilizing my growing nuts...)
A quick reality check is to ask yourself this question:
When not considering my roles in society - who am I?
When I removed my roles as husband, father, employee, son , grandchild and such I realized I had no answer. My roles defined me but I didn't know who I was. Finding back "me" has been a long journey.
Therapy is not "paying someone to be friendly". A therapist will listen, analyze and identify patterns that you would benefit from breaking. It can be tough and hurtful - but you are carrying a lot of baggage from growing up with an alcoholic dad. You're even aware of some of your "not ideal" patterns of thought/action.
No matter what you do with your relationship - go see a therapist. If it doesn't feel "right" then try a different therapist. There are a lot of "styles" and persons. Not everyone is a perfect match.
If you want to continue this relationship also seek couples counseling. We realized our relationship where heading in a direction we didn't desire and went to counseling before it went haywire. That's one of our best decisions!
We've been going every 6 weeks for two years now, and it's helped us change habits, share the workload and support each other even better than before. Having a neutral third-party present makes it easier to talk and listen. It's a "safe haven" for discussing what's going on in your life.
It was painful and a bit embarrassing the first time we went, but now we refer to it as a date - a time just for us. (Having multiple kids makes us appreciate being able to speak in complete sentences without interruption)