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Mirth · 10-04-2009, 08:11 AM

(I apologize ahead of time for the length of this thread, and would understand if you hit the back button on your browser now.)

I doubt any of you remember my old thread, but I was in a long-distance relationship with a woman, who finally came down here with her family, and just recently it didn't work out. Previously before her, at 23 years of age, I'd never been with a girl, not even something as little as a kiss or even a date. I fell in love with this girl online - which wasn't intended - but I felt that my pie-chart in life was finally filled; I had a job, no debt, going to college, and what I felt I was missing in life now came into it: someone who cared about me and loved me. I waited about 11 months since I "met" her to finally "meet" her; the distance was hard as hell, I never thought we'd meet or be together and we've gotten into many arguments because of it, but we finally met-met.

After a few meets, things happened that I'd never experienced before: kisses, hugs, and the sexual things that has always filled my curiosity were now felt. But we still argued about them not officially moving yet, them going back 1000 miles away, coming back, going back, it was aggravating. And even before we met, she told me things about her past that she loathed sooo incredibly much, and ever since she told me those things, she became a hard, tough, un-affectionate woman. She wouldn't even say "I love you" anymore to me, so that made things really tough. She eventually dumped me because we'd gotten into so many arguments. I'll admit, some of them may have been my fault entirely; for example, when we had a breakup period that we both thought was final, she met some guy on myspace (but not in person), and 2 weeks later we worked things out and got back together, but it was very unsettling for me to be on her couch with her while this guy is texting her constantly. I didn't mind her having guy friends (90% of her friends are guys), but to still be talking to a guy that she was interested in and him still being interested in her, and they we're going to still meet up in person, was nerve wracking to me.

So anyways, I'm the guy that's always wanted my first girlfriend to eventually be my wife. I've just, always wanted one girl. Maybe because I wanted to be like my parents, maybe because I didn't need the touch of another woman. I'm just not that kind of guy who's needed to have a past where I've screwed 10 different women before I finally decide to settle down. I've already decided to settle down without needing some life-changing experience to tell me that's what I want.

It's not that I waited 24 years to find someone I thought would be "the one", it's that I've always been too shy and not confident enough to approach women or just casually talk to em. I think it mostly has to do with my physical feature: being 5'5 and looking very boyish; I get mistaken for being 16 ALL. THE. TIME. I feel women don't want a boy, they want a man. And I know, some of you will say "You're defined as a man by who you are, not your physical features", and I agree with that, but women don't "see" that initially, and even if they did, they'd be stuck with the guy who looks like a boy. I really doubt any of the women members here could say with a straight face that they wouldn't mind having a husband that looks like he's still a junior in High School. If I could grow a beard it'd help, but I don't get very much facial hair at all, so I can't. Ugh...

And in the other thread, when I was in a break-up period with her, some of you suggested I go on dating sites. I did go to two of them, and no women messaged me, and when I messaged the ones I was interested in, they'd either not reply back at all or tell me they are uninterested in me. It really hurts to keep getting turned down... I've been on there daily since, and both sites show you who's viewed you're profile; I haven't gotten a single new view in a month... And one of the sites allows you to turn on a picture rating feature, so I did just to see where I'm at... Out of 25 votes, my rating was a 3.16 out of 10, making me one of the ugliest guys in the state if I had to guess. Things like these give me absolutely no hope...

And I don't know where to go to "look" for people in person... I work in the morning until the afternoon, and take evening classes at the college, and by the time I get home at 8pm, I'm too exhausted to go out, and even if I weren't, there aren't many places to go to in this town where 90% of the people are over 40, if I had to guess. All the younger people hang out at the bars, but I really don't want a "bar girl", I really don't. And I can't have my friends hook me up with someone, because I have no friends within a 200 mile radius.

I hate my ex now. But I still miss her, and think about her everyday... I think about how we fell in love, I think about how she's the only woman that's ever told me that she's attracted to me. I hate her, but I still love her...

I don't know what to do anymore... Before my ex, even though my pie chart wasn't complete without love, I still kept a smile on my face in hopes that one day I'd find someone; I was pretty optimistic because I knew I was a nice, caring guy that had good intentions for the future, and I felt I can share that with a special someone one day. Now, everyday that I wake up, I don't want to go through with the day. I don't smile anymore. And every night before I go to bed, I tear up a bit, because I know deep down in my heart that I'm going to be alone forever, unless a miracle happens. I just want to be secure with someone, I want to be able to hug her and tell her I love her. I'm so extremely scared of being alone forever....

The only reason why I'm still living is because I could never put my family through the misery of losing me. But the sad part is, that's the only, only, only reason I can think of anymore... I don't "want" to live anymore, but I know I have to, for my family's sake. But I don't know how to be happy anymore...

10-04-2009, 08:11 AM	#1 (permalink)
Mirth Tilted	Where do I go in life now...? (I apologize ahead of time for the length of this thread, and would understand if you hit the back button on your browser now.) I doubt any of you remember my old thread, but I was in a long-distance relationship with a woman, who finally came down here with her family, and just recently it didn't work out. Previously before her, at 23 years of age, I'd never been with a girl, not even something as little as a kiss or even a date. I fell in love with this girl online - which wasn't intended - but I felt that my pie-chart in life was finally filled; I had a job, no debt, going to college, and what I felt I was missing in life now came into it: someone who cared about me and loved me. I waited about 11 months since I "met" her to finally "meet" her; the distance was hard as hell, I never thought we'd meet or be together and we've gotten into many arguments because of it, but we finally met-met. After a few meets, things happened that I'd never experienced before: kisses, hugs, and the sexual things that has always filled my curiosity were now felt. But we still argued about them not officially moving yet, them going back 1000 miles away, coming back, going back, it was aggravating. And even before we met, she told me things about her past that she loathed sooo incredibly much, and ever since she told me those things, she became a hard, tough, un-affectionate woman. She wouldn't even say "I love you" anymore to me, so that made things really tough. She eventually dumped me because we'd gotten into so many arguments. I'll admit, some of them may have been my fault entirely; for example, when we had a breakup period that we both thought was final, she met some guy on myspace (but not in person), and 2 weeks later we worked things out and got back together, but it was very unsettling for me to be on her couch with her while this guy is texting her constantly. I didn't mind her having guy friends (90% of her friends are guys), but to still be talking to a guy that she was interested in and him still being interested in her, and they we're going to still meet up in person, was nerve wracking to me. So anyways, I'm the guy that's always wanted my first girlfriend to eventually be my wife. I've just, always wanted one girl. Maybe because I wanted to be like my parents, maybe because I didn't need the touch of another woman. I'm just not that kind of guy who's needed to have a past where I've screwed 10 different women before I finally decide to settle down. I've already decided to settle down without needing some life-changing experience to tell me that's what I want. It's not that I waited 24 years to find someone I thought would be "the one", it's that I've always been too shy and not confident enough to approach women or just casually talk to em. I think it mostly has to do with my physical feature: being 5'5 and looking very boyish; I get mistaken for being 16 ALL. THE. TIME. I feel women don't want a boy, they want a man. And I know, some of you will say "You're defined as a man by who you are, not your physical features", and I agree with that, but women don't "see" that initially, and even if they did, they'd be stuck with the guy who looks like a boy. I really doubt any of the women members here could say with a straight face that they wouldn't mind having a husband that looks like he's still a junior in High School. If I could grow a beard it'd help, but I don't get very much facial hair at all, so I can't. Ugh... And in the other thread, when I was in a break-up period with her, some of you suggested I go on dating sites. I did go to two of them, and no women messaged me, and when I messaged the ones I was interested in, they'd either not reply back at all or tell me they are uninterested in me. It really hurts to keep getting turned down... I've been on there daily since, and both sites show you who's viewed you're profile; I haven't gotten a single new view in a month... And one of the sites allows you to turn on a picture rating feature, so I did just to see where I'm at... Out of 25 votes, my rating was a 3.16 out of 10, making me one of the ugliest guys in the state if I had to guess. Things like these give me absolutely no hope... And I don't know where to go to "look" for people in person... I work in the morning until the afternoon, and take evening classes at the college, and by the time I get home at 8pm, I'm too exhausted to go out, and even if I weren't, there aren't many places to go to in this town where 90% of the people are over 40, if I had to guess. All the younger people hang out at the bars, but I really don't want a "bar girl", I really don't. And I can't have my friends hook me up with someone, because I have no friends within a 200 mile radius. I hate my ex now. But I still miss her, and think about her everyday... I think about how we fell in love, I think about how she's the only woman that's ever told me that she's attracted to me. I hate her, but I still love her... I don't know what to do anymore... Before my ex, even though my pie chart wasn't complete without love, I still kept a smile on my face in hopes that one day I'd find someone; I was pretty optimistic because I knew I was a nice, caring guy that had good intentions for the future, and I felt I can share that with a special someone one day. Now, everyday that I wake up, I don't want to go through with the day. I don't smile anymore. And every night before I go to bed, I tear up a bit, because I know deep down in my heart that I'm going to be alone forever, unless a miracle happens. I just want to be secure with someone, I want to be able to hug her and tell her I love her. I'm so extremely scared of being alone forever.... The only reason why I'm still living is because I could never put my family through the misery of losing me. But the sad part is, that's the only, only, only reason I can think of anymore... I don't "want" to live anymore, but I know I have to, for my family's sake. But I don't know how to be happy anymore...