part 1
i COULD HAVE ANOTHER YOU IN A MINUTE (work stuff)
Today at 3:49pm
Its true
Ive been at work since 9 am taking calls about the fuel shortages
Ive taken so far precisely 0 calls.
The only person who called me was a senile old man from Fleet Rescue (a supplier for my company who run an out of hours contact service) who wanted to tell me about a petrol station which had run out of tape, and a similar thing happened 3 years ago to them, and they had to take a £300 loss over it.... I had and have no idea what he was talking about and could barely summon the effort to hold the phone to my ear as he talked!
I have however manually keyed (so far) 551 transactions into our system and ordered about 400 new cards, and reprinted about 400 copy invoices.
My eyes are fucked up, my head is fucked up, outside the weather is fantastic and Im stuck here till 5, for no purpose (since no one is calling and no one is going to all) and I probably wont get paid for it.
Given what the discussions I had this week, and which I cant talk about right now - I really really must be fucking nuts
Well, back to it... I expect I can enter another 150 transactions before 5PM, if I dont die first.
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my journey home / now in a worse mood than before
Today at 6:56pm
Ok... let me tell this straight.
I already am in a foul mood and have a completely shit day stuck at work for no good reason at all (see last note for that)
At at about 5:10 - I leave.
First of, I am filthy and I smell. I didnt sleep last night so I didnt grab a shower in the morning (could barely get up in time to make it to work for 9am)
Im wearing the dirtiest clothes I own, which I normally use for when I do DIY - my shirt and shorts basically look like I was a bystander caught in the cross fire between the world's caterers and the worlds painter decorators. I am walking home, thinking about how it'll take me 40 fucking minutes to get there, and the whole day is gone and wasted, etc
FIRST thing that happens, as I walk onto the path by the river there is a group of 3 kids sitting on the flood defence wall - about 14, 2 girls 1 boy. The girl yells out at me "Hello Mr Beaver"... and I instantly think it must be an insult, but I dont get it... she's like 14 plus she is a girl so I cant even swear at her, so I just say "yo, what?" and she looks embarassed and says "im sorry, I'm obsessed with the word beaver".... she's like 14 and I dont even know what to say or want to think about this, so I just shrug and walk on.
Next, one of the houses that backs onto the river, they are having a BBQ. I can smell onions and burgers... smells real good. Im hungry, since all Ive eaten is 3 cookies and a pack of gum all day. I think about how I have shit all food at home apart from stale bread, Ramen noodles, and baked beans. I think about eating noodles and beans on toast. I start to fantasize that all the people who work at the same company as I do have been invited to a BBQ. One of the managers or directors is having it as his house, and basically invited everyone bar me. Everyon is drinking and chilling and having fun... all the girls looking nice, all the guys horsing around - everyone flirting, drinking cold beer, they have German hotdogs, not the fucking English ones.
Obviously no one even notices Im not there, accept maybe someone asks my Boss where I am, and he replies "oh, I go Adam to man the phones all Saturday cos of the fuel shortages" and they both just start to laugh picturing me sat at work like a prick while they are chilling.
And Im walking down the fucking river path, literally visualizing this... thinking about how everyone is having a better time than me, how much more money than me all the sales staff earn, how I spent all Saturday stuck at work cos basically Im the only idiot who they know will agree to do stupid shit like this and they wouldnt even ask anyone else cos they wouldnt think it was fair, but basically no one gives a shit how I feel so its cool...
Im feeling mad bitter and pissed off, and dirty and fat and my head is fucking pounding, I feel kind sick from chewing gum all day and not eating anything. My eyes ache like empty piss holes in the show.
Then, Im at a narrow part of the towpath and this pillock on some kind of electric scooter is coming the other way. The path is pretty narrow and he cant safely come past me at that speed (he's doing like 15 on it I guess) but he keeps coming right at me. Its a pedestarian path, and Im thinking why should I walk on the grass cos this dude is riding a scooter on a fucking footpath? The dude is like my age, shaven headed, wearing a shellsuit. So he rides at me too fast and over dramatically pulls the thing to a stop in front of me and tells me "watch where youre fucking going" and calls me a couple of names.
Now, at this point, my whole mind just like pauses... and goes blank. And for like a second Im just frozen... and then this thought pops into my mind from nowhere "Im going to throw this c**t into the river"
As soon as I think that, it seems like the most attractive thing I ever thought of. I can picture his stupid fucking scooter going straight under as his arms flail, desparetely trying to keep his head above water as the currant washes him out to sea. And Im just staring at this dude, and all this anger is like gathering up in me, my right arm is like twisting inside itself like all the nerves between my fist and my elbow are electric... and its like I can just feel my whole self and all my feelings just on this balance, like Im just about to go wild.
Now, I havent even spoken at this point, Im just staring at the guy and kind of squared up to him.. but I guess Im looking kinda serious, cos he starts to look nervous and backs up into the hedge by the path. I take a small step and he pushes himself right into the hedge making the whole path clear. And the part of my mind which is still sane is now like yelling at the back of my head "yo be cool, be cool!".., so I slowly walk past him, staring mad at him the whole time - and I want to say something threatening or insulting, but I cant even think of anything. So I just walk on, and after a couple of seconds hear him riding off in the other direction - and Im just waiting for him to stop and yell something, but he doesnt.
So, my mood is just black and vile now... I feel like Im fizzing inside. I stop at the store and buy a three litre bottle of cider and a bottle of white horse (Scotch), cos I know I feel so fucking pissed off there is nothing to do but get drunk on my own and seethe.
I get home, I have a shower. Im now sat here typing this.
My plan for tonight is get fucking drunk while listening to pissed off angry music and reading a violent book. The kid who lives in the top floor of my building sells drugs. To be real I have no real experience as a drug user I smoked weed a couple of times when I was 18, and thats it... but my mood is so fucked up if I dont feel drunk enough later I might knock him up and ask him to do me up with some horse tranq. I aint fucking around with no minor shit, I just feel so negative and resentful and angry at myself - I need to exercise this.
Maybe later, when Im drunk enough, I prolly will call my ex girl and launch into a cringingly self pitying description about how much of a fuck up I am. Then I'll go to bed when it starts to get light and softly weep to myself until I drop into fitful, nightmare strewn, sleep.
The end.