I am so confused and mixed up right now that I really need some advice.
During a fight with my fiance, who I have been dating for five years, I made him finally tell me the truth of why he insists on looking at porn even though I have told him how much it bothers me. (A little back story, I was raised in a divorced home where my mother cheated on my dad and then went off and had a whole new family without a second though then to add insult to injury my brother abused me in every way possible from the time I was about 5 till my parents kicked him out of the house when I was 12.) So needless to say I have pretty bad self-esteem and my fiance was told of all these things when we first starting dating. I know porn shouldn't bother me but it does. We have taken plenty pictures of us and he rarely uses them.
Well the truth finally came out, he said it because the only parts of my body that turn him on are my breasts and ass. Now I am overweight, and I know this. I'm 5'9" I started off last November at 223 I am now down to 195. So I am roughly half way to my goal of losing a total of 50 lbs. (BTW he was he last person to compliment me on my weight loss) I know that my weight had bothered him in the past, he told me he wished he knew what it was like to have a gf with a smaller waist, but he had told me that he was being stupid at the time and realized he was being a jerk.
He says he loves all of me and that my weight doesn't bother him and that its not so wrong to wish for improvements. My stomach is the biggest issue. Most people don't believe me when I tell them how much I weigh.
So I guess my problem is now I feel weird being naked around him, I mean he did lie to me for four years and let me think that everything was just fine. He says he lied because he didn't want to hurt me and its my fault that I made him tell me these horrible things. He has told me he doesn't want to lose me but I know things are going to be weird.
Should I just let this go, he only thought the same awful thoughts I have thought about myself a million times over. I guess I have just had a notion that the person you love should be turned on and love all parts of you. I do with him and hes no rock hard body but thats never been something I want. Hes a little overweight and I like it.
I know that this is very long and a lot to understand but I guess I'm looking for words of wisdom from you ladies.
Thanks
Felling slightly heartbroken
