This is something I wrote for my theater teacher, who wanted a teen social issues-centric play, which I hate doing, so I just decided to roll with it. He ended up making me write something new on account of the apparent sexuality in the text, which I have yet to pick up on, personally.
CAT MEETS PIG
Lights fade in to vacant, wooded area.
[A PIG holding a hot dog and a CAT holding a pie enter.]
PIG
I want your pie. Unless it’s pecan, I don’t particularly care for pecan.
CAT
It’s cherry, made it myself. It’s all warm and fresh, but I’m saving it for someone else, later tonight. Right now I’m letting it cool a bit. I’m sorry.
PIG
I’m sure you are.
CAT
I really am sorry. I’m sure you’re a very nice pig and all, but this pie is important.
PIG
But… I want it so badly. Just one piece? One itty bitty witty piece?
[Beat]
Pweeeeez…?
CAT
No.
[Beat]
Is that… a hot dog?
PIG
Why, yes… yes it is.
CAT
I’ve never had a hotdog before; I’ve only ever eaten Italian sausage.
PIG
Well… I do enjoy a good cherry pie.
CAT
Well I’ll tell you what, you can dab your finger in my cherry pie if I can have your hotdog.
PIG
So, you want to eat my hotdog, while all I get is to dab my finger in your cherry pie? That affords me absolutely nothing but a sense of charity!
CAT
What! It’s a fantastic cherry pie!
PIG
And this is a foot-long!
CAT
That hardly matters! It has no effect on the taste whatsoever—quality of quantity!
PIG
Well, it’s very juicy.
CAT
Again, no significance.
PIG
And warm.
CAT
I want it. Now.
[CAT lunges at PIG, who dodges her.]
PIG
Don’t be like that! Maybe I’m saving my hotdog for the appropriate time. Lunch is a very important part of a young pig’s life.
CAT
Oh, bullshit!
PIG
Why can’t we just have an even, cut-and-dry trade?
CAT
My father—who is quite strict—will not let me give away my cherry pie until it is cooled and time for dinner.
PIG
That’s absurd! What’ll he do if you give away your cherry pie—in exchange for a hot dog, no less?
CAT
He’ll throw me in the oven.
PIG
Throw you in an oven?! What kind of father is that?
CAT
A loving one.
PIG
Loving, my ass! Sounds like a bloody sadist!
CAT
He’s not! If I keep my cherry pie until dinner, he’ll give me the upstairs room! Do you know how big our upstairs room is? It’s massive!
PIG
I’m sure.
CAT
It is!
PIG
How do you know you’ll get the upstairs room?
CAT
My daddy told me!
PIG
Yes, but how can you trust him?
CAT
He’s my father! He gave me life!
PIG
You could be adopted.
CAT
That’s a horrible, depressing thing to say! You ignorant pig! There’s no way something that… terrible could be true!
PIG
I’m just saying that there are always other possibilities.
CAT
Well, I’m right and you’re wrong and I’m keeping my cherry pie.
PIG
Oh come on! Don’t be so hasty! All I want is your pie!
CAT
And I want your hotdog but I’m perfectly willing to live without it.
PIG
But… but…
[Offers CAT the hotdog.]
I’ll give you a free bit.
CAT
I’m not going to fall for a trick like that.
PIG
What trick?
CAT
You’re going to snatch my pie while I’m eating your hotdog.
PIG
Am not! I just want you to see how much you like it.
CAT
Well, that is very sweet of you I suppose…
[Takes a bite of PIG’S hotdog. She gives an “mmm” of approval and snatches the hotdog and runs.]
Ha! I’ve got your hotdog and I’m not letting go! I’ve got your hotdog!
PIG
Hey, give it back!
[Chases CAT.]
Give it! Give it! What would your father think of you now!
[PIG pounces on CAT and BOTH fall on the ground. PIG takes the pie and devours it in several messy bites.]
CAT
No, my pie! Stop it! Help, someone help! A pig is eating my pie! A pig is eating my pie!
[Beat]
Fire! Fire!
[PIG finishes and stands, breathes roughly.]
PIG
It could have been a fair trade.
CAT
[Crying]
I don’t even want your hotdog anymore!
[Throws hotdog to the ground.]
Just leave me alone! Please! Oh, poppa…
PIG
Fine, I’m done with your pie anyway. See ya around, stupid little bitch.
[Exit PIG.]
CAT
Poppa is going to be so angry… oh, the ovens…
[CAT pulls out a razor and proceeds to cut her wrists, length-wise.]
Fade out.
THE END