Lurkette, being someone who has had ALOT of experience in this area(active swinger etc for most of my entire life) here is my ....well I can't say advice, because advice is something you give as a recomendation...but lets say here is my information for you to consider.....
EVERYONE is different. Your husband might react differently than I would, you might respond to the event differently than my wife does, James t kirk might respond differently that your husband....you get my point? EVERYONE has a different reaction based on MANY levels of input. Going into it, one might be all for having fun, then afterward the concerns pop up...I at times think, did she perform orally on my wife better than I can? Will my wife want the other female more than me after?...There are TONS of different emotions that can pop up and leave you and your husband curious.
The best thing that I can say, as MANY others have mentioned is communication. Does it make a difference if it is a 3-some or just you and her hooking up? Yes it does, because opinions and thoughts can differ from situation to situation. NOBODY can predict with ANY certainty what will happen. But you MUST always keep communications open. MANY men's jealousy or concern from another woman being with their wife is if the girl can do it better than he can. To be honest, the answer is most likely "yes". Face it, a woman knows EXACTLY what feels good on another woman. Should the husband be jealous? no. Consider it as a learning experience. I for one LOVE someone else doing things to my wife that feel good, because it helps me to learn new things to bring even more pleasure to my wife. I consider it a learning experience. She tells me what felt good, and I try to emulate it. Eventually I learn all the good stuff!
The biggest thing I have ALWAYS stated when in discussions such as this is.... Can you and your husband separate SEX from EMOTION? I define it like this... I "make love" to my wife, and "have sex" with the other woman. That is a VERY important part for someone who is experimenting with this type of thing. Now I am ASSUMING that you are looking for the experience, and NOT the emotion...otherwise this might be considered a polygamous type of relationship.
Now you have mentioned that it will be a 3-some with you and your husband and this woman, but she is married. make ABSOLUTELY SURE that this is also ok with HER husband. Otherwise your "friendship" with the other couple will OBVIOUSLY be strained.
So here is my take on your questions:
what if this changes our friendship? my friendship with her husband?
face the fact that this WILL change your friendship. It may be good, it may be bad, but there is no possible way that it will NOT effect your friendship. Consider what changes it will make...good or bad, and can you BOTH handle it. It is not just YOUR side of the friendship that will be effected.
what if this changes Ratbastid's friendship with her/her husband?
Same answer as above.
what if this changes our marriage? will things ever be the same? will this make us closer, just another experience, or will it create tension and emotional stress?
Only YOU can answer that. yes it will change things, which way it changes will depend on your relationship and NOBODY can tell you how it will effect you for SURE, except yourselves.
is it safe (STD-wise)? I'd gotten used to not having to worry about that. how will I act when she's around with our other friends who DON'T know I'm bi? (Only my husband, my mom and my sister know). Will I have to be out? Will I be able to live with myself if I'm not?
STD-wise, Obviously it depends on the other person. Do you trust them totally 110%? The risk of STDs are ALWAYS there. and you must look at it from a personal opinion position. If you were single, would you allow this to happen without protection? If you have even the SLIGHTEST doubt, then I say use protection (personally I would suggest using protection PERIOD outside the marriage).
How will you act around her? DISCUSS it with her beforehand. If you don't want others to know, make sure EVERYONE knows this ahead of time before ANYTHING happens. Will you have to be "out"? not unless YOU want to be.
Well that is my $.02 worth. hope things work out for you both. and above all have FUN and be SAFE!
