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My speciality. Just found this thread...
Dearest Mr. Santa Claus
by Haywood Banks
Oh my Dearest Mr. Santa Claus
I am writing you because
There seems to be a problem with your staff
You may or may not be aware,
Or even worse you do not care --
At any rate, there is no cause to laugh
I gave it to my mother,
A specific list of toys to bring around
But when I woke up Christmas morn
It was an obvious clerical error that I found
If you look on page number twenty-two
Under the heading of “Rocket Packs”
There’s no way a personal jet-propulsion device
Could ever be confused with --
A BUNNY PUPPET??!!
Hello again, dear old Saint Nick
I really hate to be a stickler
But it’s clear from here that things must change
With software advances and the Internet
You really can’t delay in getting
Some elves that are more technically trained
I discussed this with my mother
Along with a list of toys to bring around
But when I woke up Christmas morn
It was a hideous clerical error that I found
If you look on page number twenty-nine
Under the heading of “Scuba Gear”
There’s no way a personal deep-water submarine
Could ever be confused with --
UNCLE WIGGLY??!!
Hi again, Saint Nicholas
I’m sorry that it’s come to this
But someone had to bring you up to speed
Perhaps your management skills are rusty
But you really have to trust me
You are just not meeting your customers’ needs
I was told by my mother
To let you know about this oversight
But I’ve been playing Uncle Wiggly with my bunny puppet
And I just haven’t had the time to write.
Hey Little Minivan
by The Austin Lounge Lizards
On Deadman's Curve I used to shut 'em down
I had the hottest muscle car in my hometown
I could burn rubber in all four gears
But I haven't done that in a million years
Hey, little minivan, we're goin' to the grocery store
She's got an automatic tranny with overdrive
And the radio's tuned to Magic 95
She gets 30 miles on a gallon of gas
And I can schlep all the girls to gymnastics class
She's got her headlights on both night and day
She's the most practical value in the USA
She's got cruise control, ABS and EFI
I keep her Michelins at 32 PSI
Hey, little minivan, we're goin' to the children's museum
On icy mornings when I'm feeling my age
I'm protected and warm in my steel cage
Her climate control really pumps out the heat
And her dual air bags just can't be beat
She's rated real high by Consumer Reports
And her two front seats have got lumbar support
I've got the good driver rate and comprehensive insurance
And she's loaded with electronic theft deterrents
Step away from the car, step away from the car
Step away from the car, step away from the car
We're a wild and rowdy bunch when you pass us by
Bobby's buggin' baby sister and makin' her cry
If I have to pull over someone's gonna pay
And it was fun, fun, fun, till Bobby took her teether away
(Fun, fun, fun, fun)
Hey, little minivan, we're goin' to the pediatrician
Now the wife and I hardly ever date
'Cause our baby sitter has to be home by 8
We hurry through dinner and go out and park
With the fold-down seats we can nap till dark
I dream of Barracudas and souped-up 'Vettes
Crazy games of chicken and drag race bets
Then she wakes me up and says, "Honey, don't be sad
Our van's the classic Woody you never had"
Now if I ever get tired of my minivan
A red sports car will make me young again
Hey, little minivan, we're goin' to the grocery store
What did you do with the last one I gave you?
Hey, little minivan, we're goin' to the grocery store
Don't make me come back there
Hey, little minivan, we're goin' to the grocery store
If Bobby jumped off a cliff, would you do that, too?
Hey, little minivan, we're goin' to the grocery store
Three kids, what were we thinking?
Go little Minnie Van Gogh
Little Minnie Van Gogh
Little Minnie Van Gogh
__________________
If after I depart this vale you ever remember me and have thought to please my ghost,
forgive some sinner, and wink your eye at some homely girl.
H.L. Mencken
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