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I think in this instance, small is beautiful.
Your list has so many permutations that it becomes innocent.
So consider this:
A copy of Nuts or Zoo.
A huge jar of lube.
A suggestive vegetable (huge carrot, parsnip, or cucumber).
Condoms.
A "Happy 10th Birthday" card (or "Happy 16th" if you don't want to appear creepy) (or "Happy 70th" if you want to appear severely creepy).
Rope/Duct Tape/Clothes Line.
Booze.
ADDED BONUS ITEM: Rubber Gloves.
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Overhead, the Albatross hangs motionless upon the air,
And deep beneath the rolling waves,
In labyrinths of Coral Caves,
The Echo of a distant time
Comes willowing across the sand;
And everthing is Green and Submarine
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