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Originally Posted by The_Jazz
#3 - If this did indeed happen, I think that if you want to keep seeing your friend in a nonwork setting, you should only do so in the company of your wife. If she's with you every time you see her outside of work with no exceptions, hopefully that will make her more comfortable. Your friend seems ok with that setup already so no one should have their feelings hurt. That would include lunches, which would obviously be a pain in the ass, but since you seem interested in saving your marriage, that seems like a logical hurdle to clear for me.
#4 - Right, wrong or indifferent, it's your wife's perception of the relationship that's important here. Maybe she'll figure out what it really is in time, but if she perceives a threat she's going to act accordingly. That's what you need to work on.
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Jazz is right, especially on these two points (I also agree with #1 and #2, but I would advocate for #3 and #4 no matter what). This is because, in my opinion, you still seem just a little too non-chalant about your wife's feelings and how your behavior affects her.
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Originally Posted by Jim Kata
That can be written off to my wifes self admitted insecurities.
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Even if she is insecure, it doesn't mean you need to go around reinforcing that with your actions, especially if you guys are working on other issues. You admitted that right now, you are not sure if the relationship would last; man, don't mess with your spouse's feelings when your actual marriage is unstable. That's just asking for trouble, even if you don't "intend" it.
And I am sorry if this is too harsh, but you seem to see yourself as being very innocent/passive in all this. I'm not saying you've done anything wrong, but if you want to save your marriage, you have to be *proactive* about stabilizing and strengthening it... which, right now, your behavior does not lend itself to doing.
To answer the OP: YES, tell your friend that you and your wife are dealing with crap right now, and you need to back off the female friends for a while, maybe for a long while. As Shani said, if the woman is *truly* your friend, she should understand completely and respect your wife as much as possible. (Frankly, if she's your "friend" and therefore cares about your marriage, I don't see why she didn't jump off the couch when you were purportedly feeling her up, especially if your wife was watching... that is a warning sign to me right there that she might be up to something.)