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Originally Posted by Abaya
Moskie, what would happen if you just said, "Hey, I feel hurt by what you just said." Not having to articulate or analyze anything, but just to stop her process of making demands and tell her, in an uncritical way, that her words caused you to feel some pain. Then, assuming she is mature enough to stop and say, "Oh no, I didn't mean for that to happen. Why did that hurt you?" (instead of getting defensive, which is a natural but immature reaction), hopefully you can tease out what trigger she hit when she made that decision and announced it to you. That is, to work out your hurt feelings out loud, through discussion, rather than internalizing it and expecting the woman to read your mind (can you read HER mind? do you like it when you're expected to read her mind? same goes for women getting a clue about men, my friend).
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I'm not Moskie, but I'll give you my insight on this for what it is worth.
Sometimes something that someone, my wife for example, does, ticks me off or just plain hurts my feelings, and I am not instantly able to home in on what it was. And at times even if I can instantly identify what it was that she said or did that affected me in such a way, I cannot understand
why it affected me the way it did. This scenario typically causes the following sequence of events:
1. Brain says, "we have been insulted, kicked in the balls, stepped on, or w/e" and acknowledges the feeling experienced.
2. Brain attempts to determine what recent event the unpleasant emotion is linked to.
3. Brain connects the event with the sentiment, attempts to determine why the event has caused the sentiment.
4. a) If this connection is discovered, brain commences to voice the concern/complaint. b) If brain is unable to immediately determine the cause, it attempts to suppress the sentiment and other affiliated emotions until the matter can be properly examined and processed in solitude or in the company of close male friends at a local refreshment establishment.
Of course, a man's brain can always entirely override this process, depending on the man, and he can simply lash out, tear shit up and yell, or just slam the door and leave. You might even think that this would be a better option, as the rage might induce him to be able to vocalize not only the sentiment he is experiencing, but the cause of it as well. Unfortunately, enraged individuals are even less likely to be able to communicate these things to another human being.
While many women may resolve issues and work through options via verbal communication, I'd dare say that most men are more comfortable, and even effective, when they do the resolving through an internal dialog, or monologue if you will.
As for this...
Quote:
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Originally Posted by Abaya
what would happen if you just said, "Hey, I feel hurt by what you just said." Not having to articulate or analyze anything, but just to stop her process of making demands and tell her, in an uncritical way, that her words caused you to feel some pain. Then, assuming she is mature enough to stop and say, "Oh no, I didn't mean for that to happen. Why did that hurt you?"
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In my case, personally, this would often not work, because if at that particular moment she would ask me WHY that (whatever it was) hurt me, I would likely not have an immediate answer, other than "I DONT KNOW, OKAY?".
The reason we go through that whole internal process is to avoid having to express unwelcome emotion and not be able to explain why we are feeling it. Since women love to ask WHY, I'd dare say we should have the time we need to be able to provide the answers.