Cavalryman

Let me start by thanking you for opening this thread. I came across it while looking for others who are going through what I am. So, with that, I will give you a little bit about my wife and I and how we have negotiated a path very similar to yours. I haven't had time to read your entire thread, but I have read enough of the messages to understand and relate to where you are coming from. We have been together for 17 years and married for 15.

I am a soldier, currently in the National Guard, but I have been either in the Guard or Active Duty for 15 years. About 7 years ago, my wife revealed to me that she had had a sexual relationship with one of the wives of a soldier in my unit some 5 years previous. We were in Germany at the time, and spent an average of 6 months "in the field", or away from home. In those days, I was a very religious person who led a church group on post, and I never saw any of this going on. In fact, I was in bible studies with the woman involved, and years later, my wife told me the real reason she was in our apartment so much. To say the least, I was shocked and amazed that I could be so blind. I lead men in combat, and yet I was so poorly tuned into female needs, that I realized something was terribly wrong in my life. My whole perspective began to change, and much like the title of this forum, I began to evolve away from traditional thinking. I was a naive, religious young man when I first joined the military. Once I began to see the end result of religious fundamentalism, I began moving away from religion. I understand it's purpose in society, but I don't have much use for it after seeing cultures like Bosnia and Islamic Afghanistan. Religion, of course is one of the largest obstacles keeping us in line, or at least preventing us from living more progressive and enlightened lives. We came to a similar agreement about what you refer to as traditionalist stupidity.

We first began discussing the possibility of even considering something like letting people inside our relationship not long after the "revelation" circa 1999. We spent the next 5 years talking about it and exhausting every possible option if it were to ever present itself. We live in a very conservative region of the US, so the likelihood was doubtful anyway. About 2 years ago, while I was away again with the Army, my wife was better able to tell me what was going on in her life. We didn't have email when the first experience occurred, and she was too afraid to tell me 12 years ago. By 2004, email was so integrated into our lives, that communication was almost hard to go without. She told me that she wanted to pursue a relationship with a couple we had been friends and talking with since she and I had begun looking at evolving. I consented this time with rules that are almost word-for-word the same as yours.

It is good to see someone else with the same thought process. My thinking was that she should be safe, happy, and balanced. I also agree with your comment that we cannot possibly see decades down the road of life and think that a promise today will cover all of the life's experiences and maturation we go through as modern, educated adults.

I went on with the military schools I was in and she forged ahead. When I got home, she consented to my involvement (indeed she insisted), and I suddenly immersed myself into this foreign and new world. It was great at first, but the forces of society were close behind, and we began to tear apart as a result. We had spent 5 years discussing the role and nature of jealousy, but it is it's own force when you are dealing with it real-world. Not only that, but the other two involved were showing signs of strain, in particular the wife. She had been the most insistent about all of us getting involved, and yet my wife with her husband proved to be too much for her. The relationship deteriorated into shouting matches, and after a trip to their family farm in Minnesota, we cut it off. I am still friends with them to this day, but we all understand that it wasn't meant to be. The sex was incredible, with discussions of tantric spirituality and evolving human culture, but the aftermath was pure hell. That experience was harder than Ranger school will ever be.

Ironically, our marriage became much stronger as a result of that. We had the most and the best sex of our lives with each other during those months. My wife and I discovered that with experiencing another partner, there is a reclaiming process we had to go through very soon after. Making love to my wife afterward was as important to her as it was to me to confirm that we are and will always be the final arrangement. Hopefully this makes sense.

Now, I am in Afghanistan and we are back to the same discussions. This time it is a guy she works with, whom I know and like, and he is very much into martial arts, eastern philosophy, and healthy living. She has indicated she would like to pursue a relationship with him while I am here for a year. I am fine with the two being together, but all of this took an unexpected turn. In addition to your three rules, I have an additional one that if she becomes pregnant, our marriage is over. I have two kids with her (one boy, one girl), and I want to ensure they stay the focus of their parents. I will not ask her to split her time to prioritize between who's kids are important. I'll raise mine, and she will raise hers. This may come off as cold heartedness, but for me, it is a matter of dedication.

Now I know you are thinking she came up pregnant, but she did not. Indeed, she has not slept with him yet. Yet. What the unexpected turn was, though, turned out to be a sharp turn in her view of my role as a husband. She began to throw accusations at me (via email of course) about not being there to be a helping husband and father. It all was irrational to me, but I tried to understand her needs and see through what looked like a bunch of bullshit. In the end, it turned out her consciousness was weighing on her and I was the scapegoat for feeling of guilt. She was feeling guilty for wanting to pursue someone outside our marriage while I am in harm's way. While she wasn't pregnant (he is "fixed"), he has left his estranged wife, and my opinion is that the momentum started is a only a matter of time before they have sex. She is a very powerful, sexual woman, and while I can keep up with her when I am home, I like you, am away from home a lot. I provide everything I can for her, she has plenty of money for living and saving for the future, but I am not always there to pick up the kids from school, or go to soccer and football practices. She was so negative at one point, I began to go through an MDMP-like (military decision making process) process and outlined 3 options for us in the months to come. We could either 1) stay together and work through this experience, 2) legally separate, or 3) divorce. I laid out detailed, step by step taskings and procedures for her in each option along with a warning that life would not be easy for either of us under options 2 or 3. When we exhausted all the what-ifs and what-is-really-going-ons, she agreed that option one is what she wants.

I have worked to define what I have, and the closest term I can come to is what Wikipedia refers to as a "mono/poly relationship". I have a lot more aversion to taking another partner mostly due to my upbringing and social history. I have always been in all-males units and have had the military sexual harrassment policy hammered into my head for so long, I tend to avoid women. While I have had an open relationship as I mentioned, it was not a rewarding enough experience to really appeal to me. Hence the mono side. My wife, on the other hand, feels differently and is driven from inside to walk a different path from most of society. Hence the poly side. I know she has too much love to keep all to myself, and she has needs that I am not always present to satisfy. I write poetry, and enjoy long, philosophical emails, but words are not enough at times in our lives. Actions, sometimes are as important as words.

I commend you for your bravery. You are not alone, and while it may seem like it at times, there are others like us in this world. I guess I'm just mainly offering up my support and encouragement to keep on keeping on. As you indicated, our lives and marriages are much richer as a result. While what we are experiencing is nothing new, history is full of stories that our lives mimic. For us, though it is new, and it is very personal. We are Warriors of Love, really, and we are forging trails, like those throughout history before us, that I hope others will follow some day.

-Cavalryman

P.S.
I wanted to add a last-minute blip about the the societal non-acceptance. I knew going into this years ago that this is one of those sub-cultures that you accept must be kept under the surface. If anyone were to ask me about it, I have no problem discussing it, but I will not volunteer my details. I have a guy in my unit who has what I can only define as a swinging marriage. He always has a weary and slightly sad tone when he talks about it. He is very vocal about it, and yet I have never fealt the need to confide any similar experience. In truth, though, I don't have a similar experience. He has lamented on how taxing it can be to come home and not know who is going to be there when he walks in. His wife is in law school (late bloomer), and she demands the right to be free to do whatever. I, on the other hand, have never been exposed directly to swinging, and don't have any interest. My wife has only moved on her interests twice (this new one may be the third), and it is not without a significant investment of her time and energy to know the person(s). Bottom line, I accept that there are only certain places where even talking about this is possible. The other thing is I am secure enough in myself and our relationship that harsh, mean, or intentionally hurtful words are just "chatter". You take what good you can from this life and the rest is left by the wayside. One thing I know without hesitation is that life is short. Shorter for some than most, but it is not worth letting complete strangers have any more of my time than I choose to give them.