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vanblah · 09-20-2006, 07:52 AM

Reasoning with anyone in these situations, a child or an adult, assumes that there are consequences for actions. Anyone, who says otherwise is a fool or deluded. I think that the problem we have here is that people assume that advocates of certain forms of punishment reach for the "hot sauce" for any minor infraction.

It is true that there are parents who do hit their children at the drop of a hat. This I find utterly disgusting. However, parents who use ALTERNATE forms of punishment (time-out, hot-sauce, etc) are usually quite a bit more conservative with those forms of punishment. Like I said, I never actually had to put a single drop of hot sauce on my daughter's tongue. Trust me--we had talk after talk about how sticking her tongue out hurt people's feelings, and it wasn’t nice and how would she feel if someone stuck their tongue out at her. She gave me all the right answers. She agreed that it wasn't nice. She would be "sad" if someone stuck their tongue out at her. It was becoming a habit to stick her tongue out. So, I chose to use a little negative re-enforcement to help her remember NOT to stick her tongue out.

I stand by my assertion that FEAR is a very powerful and effective tool. It is not something to be abused. It should be used only to re-enforce memory. However, you cannot, MUST NOT, confuse fear with respect; and this is where most people get confused. Respect is a mutual thing ... I respect my daughter and she respects me (in her 5-year-old way). I understand that she is her own person and I whole-heartedly encourage her personality. But I'll be goddamned if she's going to run out into the street without looking again. Again, I only used the immediate punishment because we hadn't had a chance to "reason" with her about busy streets. The appropriate thing to do is to continually reinforce "don't cross the street" by simply explaining it to your child every time you come to a street. Believe me, we'd been doing that on our old street which was a dead-end and was not busy at all. We had just moved to a new house and our new street was quite a bit busier and she was two and gave into the whims of her two-year-old mind. I did not have that luxury of calmly explaining to her that we don't run in to the street and had to make a quick judgment that included a couple of swats on the butt and the use of FEAR as a reinforcement of the memory.

I know that a lot of "pop" and armchair psychologists talk about fear and anger as "negative" emotions. I say bullshit. I read tome after tome of self-help books back in the 80's and 90's when I worked at bookstores. I came to despise the people who wrote them. ANY EMOTION can become a negative emotion. There are people who love "too much." There are people who have "anger issues." There are people who are "adrenaline junkies." Yep, this is all true, but these so-called professionals make it sound like we're all destined to have some sort of problem. I'll say it again: bullshit! The problems are rare in the average population. Don’t get me started on the whole ADHD money-making scam.

There is a reason for fear. Fear helps us remember not to walk to close to the edge of a cliff for instance. Fear helps us to think twice about reaching through a fence at a barking dog.

There is also reason for anger. I'm not talking about impotent rage here which is what most people think of when they hear the word "anger." Anger is a tool for survival; rage is born out of frustration. People who we call angry would better be described as frustrated or enraged.

Finally, this is NOT a black and white issue. Not every child will respond the same way to every form of punishment. I think we can all agree that ANY form of punishment should be well-thought-out and not used as an immediate deterrent. In an ideal world there would be no need for punishment of any kind. This is not an ideal world … we are human beings and we are all fallible.

I don't blame you if you just skip this post since it's so long.

09-20-2006, 07:52 AM	#14 (permalink)
vanblah Junkie	Reasoning with anyone in these situations, a child or an adult, assumes that there are consequences for actions. Anyone, who says otherwise is a fool or deluded. I think that the problem we have here is that people assume that advocates of certain forms of punishment reach for the "hot sauce" for any minor infraction. It is true that there are parents who do hit their children at the drop of a hat. This I find utterly disgusting. However, parents who use ALTERNATE forms of punishment (time-out, hot-sauce, etc) are usually quite a bit more conservative with those forms of punishment. Like I said, I never actually had to put a single drop of hot sauce on my daughter's tongue. Trust me--we had talk after talk about how sticking her tongue out hurt people's feelings, and it wasn’t nice and how would she feel if someone stuck their tongue out at her. She gave me all the right answers. She agreed that it wasn't nice. She would be "sad" if someone stuck their tongue out at her. It was becoming a habit to stick her tongue out. So, I chose to use a little negative re-enforcement to help her remember NOT to stick her tongue out. I stand by my assertion that FEAR is a very powerful and effective tool. It is not something to be abused. It should be used only to re-enforce memory. However, you cannot, MUST NOT, confuse fear with respect; and this is where most people get confused. Respect is a mutual thing ... I respect my daughter and she respects me (in her 5-year-old way). I understand that she is her own person and I whole-heartedly encourage her personality. But I'll be goddamned if she's going to run out into the street without looking again. Again, I only used the immediate punishment because we hadn't had a chance to "reason" with her about busy streets. The appropriate thing to do is to continually reinforce "don't cross the street" by simply explaining it to your child every time you come to a street. Believe me, we'd been doing that on our old street which was a dead-end and was not busy at all. We had just moved to a new house and our new street was quite a bit busier and she was two and gave into the whims of her two-year-old mind. I did not have that luxury of calmly explaining to her that we don't run in to the street and had to make a quick judgment that included a couple of swats on the butt and the use of FEAR as a reinforcement of the memory. I know that a lot of "pop" and armchair psychologists talk about fear and anger as "negative" emotions. I say bullshit. I read tome after tome of self-help books back in the 80's and 90's when I worked at bookstores. I came to despise the people who wrote them. ANY EMOTION can become a negative emotion. There are people who love "too much." There are people who have "anger issues." There are people who are "adrenaline junkies." Yep, this is all true, but these so-called professionals make it sound like we're all destined to have some sort of problem. I'll say it again: bullshit! The problems are rare in the average population. Don’t get me started on the whole ADHD money-making scam. There is a reason for fear. Fear helps us remember not to walk to close to the edge of a cliff for instance. Fear helps us to think twice about reaching through a fence at a barking dog. There is also reason for anger. I'm not talking about impotent rage here which is what most people think of when they hear the word "anger." Anger is a tool for survival; rage is born out of frustration. People who we call angry would better be described as frustrated or enraged. Finally, this is NOT a black and white issue. Not every child will respond the same way to every form of punishment. I think we can all agree that ANY form of punishment should be well-thought-out and not used as an immediate deterrent. In an ideal world there would be no need for punishment of any kind. This is not an ideal world … we are human beings and we are all fallible. I don't blame you if you just skip this post since it's so long.